Titus 2 Mentor

[Jojo4124]

Cheeky if you don't find her, at least right away, maybe the Holy Spirit is your mentor. I pray you find her, but if not, I know that God will carry you thru to that Titus woman that He is building in you.

The fact you feel convicted, and are working to change to conform to the image of Christ, submitting as He did, to the task of the Cross means that you are becoming that Titus woman. Nailing the old you to the Cross, and taking up your cross and following HIM.

Be careful of other people's teachings on submission, because they might not know exactly what you are up against, or what God is calling you to do in a particular circumstance.

I've seen abused women being told to stay in marriages that could've killed them or their kids because of the wrong understanding of submission.

First we submit to God, then our husband. If our husband is doing something wrong, we don't submit to his sin. If he isn't, then we submit, even if it doesn't make sense or seems hard.

I struggled with this a LOT in my earlier years. I look back and shudder and think only the Grace of God got us thru. But each day, I was confronted by the Holy Spirit over and over and over. I was willing to change even if I hated the process.

I constantly prayed for George's salvation. He wasn't saved when we married. I thought he was-- but I deceived myself on that subject. He wasn't. His actual salvation came about 8 or 9 years later. After much prayer.

And it wasn't all roses then either. George was worse after committing his life to the Lord.

Because of the attack of the enemy on new Christians. (Watch out for that when yours gets saved). That fed into my thoughts of divorce as a solution, so I had to lay that on the altar regularly too.

I was angry, there were a number of causes -- one big one I'll explain below, but change had to start with me.

He was verbally abusive with our kids, very angry, hair trigger temper at times. That made it so much more difficult. Because I couldn't accept that. I had to confront that.

I wasn't that picture perfect submissive wife that the devotionals written about submissive wives talk about. I wanted to be her. I was so torn, but not when my kids were the target of his anger.

So when that was happening, I was pushing back, the kids heard, because George didn't keep our arguments tidy after the kids were in bed like I'd have preferred. He didn't care if he hurt the kids. I pushed back equally loudly because if he wouldn't save it for later, the kids would've been more damaged by absorbing what their father was yelling about them without having me present the truth equally loudly.

I'd do it again, because in that situation submitting to sin wasn't the right thing. At the time I just felt like a failure.

Where it came to his inability to stop his parents from running our lives, I learnt more submission. And I grew to truly, deeply love them both, instead of disliking them. It took longer for me to stop trying to fix the debt by making more money. But that was later when I submitted to God about quitting nursing and homeschooling the kids. God got us thru it all. And God's lessons were best.

It was difficult to know the balance. When to support and submit, when to resist and put limits. How to support him in a Godly way, not enabling him to be abusive with the children, not papering over the problems, but constructively actively being a helpmate and a loving support.

It was a balancing act. First the Word BE IN THE BIBLE DAILY-- then I asked is this Godly? is it safe for the kids? If so, I was all for it. If not, then asking God quickly under my breath, WHAT NOW LORD?, how do I deal with this? A lot of that kind of prayer.

I remember one particular session in which I stopped him from verbally tearing apart our son yet again. I stopped him, put the kids to bed and confronted him. Our son was about 10 and our daughter about 7. About 3 years after G got saved.

He was frustrated, and threw my lack of submission in my face. I told him exactly what he was doing, and that it was wrong, and he went off to our bedroom in an angry huff. I remember just crumpling up on the couch, and praying DEAR GOD deal with him please, this is destroying our son. I can't deal with this anymore. Then I felt peace and left it alone, kept on reading my book.

An hour or two later he came out of our bedroom white and shaky. I asked what was wrong and he said God showed him what he had done, and it was very wrong, killing our son inside, and that he wasn't to discipline our kids any more but to leave it to me.

From that point on, he did change. He had the odd relapse but nothing like the rage that would come to the surface when he "disciplined". He left the discipline to me. It's an area he is weak in, doing that was my way of submitting, yet being that help mate. However this was our biggest battle. He has thanked me over and over for my actions in this time.

That was a few years before we began to homeschool the kids thru high school. I quit my career as an RN, leaving behind my ability to solve any debt crisis that we had. Then our financial problems got worse but not due to either of us this time, so more prayer. God brought us thru it all.

Now he is heartsick at what he once was, what he once did, and how close he came to driving me away and destroying our kids lives, especially our son who was his main target in those early years. He knows.

God intervened. Because I prayed thru each challenge.

Not from the submit at all costs model that I sometimes hear preached, but the Godly submission that doesn't throw the kids under the bus, or paper over the wrongs.

What I'm saying is focus on the submission to GOD first, then husband comes second. Submission must first be to God. Then the balancing act gets easier, to know when to submit, and when to resist.

Our son still has some scars from that. He is a healthy functioning Christian adult, as is our daughter, but they both remember.

It was bad, but I don't gas light them and pretend it didn't happen. We are honest about the past. Including George.

It's hard, life is hard. None of us get out without some scars. I'm pretty sure that your "fiesty" side is a response to injuries that you've endured, boundaries that were crossed and ignored. You might have to go back and confront the parts of your past where those injuries took place and apply the knowledge that you now have into that past situation.

If I could have prevented our children from taking damage, I would have, and I very nearly divorced over it. I most certainly would if that abuse had continued, or gotten physical. I was in constant prayer as each situation erupted.

He also did the hard work of changing.

I can't imagine life now without him, even though the way was a little rough and bumpy in spots. I love him dearly. I'm so glad he changed and I changed and we let God change us and remake us.

If I had divorced then, the kids wouldn't have gotten to know the love of their dad, the changes he made after that watershed moment, the life we all built in the years afterwards. And they'd have taken the damage from that divorce into their futures.

Like us, our kids live in a fallen world. Like all of us we all bear our share of the wounds and scars of living in this fallen world. None of us gets out of here unscathed by the battle, the warfare for our very souls.

Be careful to submit first and foremost to God, then to your husband. And always in prayer over each situation because we are all different.

There are no perfect ways to become the perfect Christian wife and mother.

Just allow yourself to be a broken woman taking it to the Lord in prayer for forgiveness, healing, for walking in Him, for wisdom for each day and each night as they come. That way you will all be healed and walk free of the past that each of you have endured.

Love
M

Wow ty for sharing what you learned etc!

I agree. Separation from abuse is wise. Domestic violence 24 hr helpline ppl can help one discern if they are in abuse if not sure.

Husbands are rarely taught the verse that says they are to love their wives as Christ loved the church AND gave Himself up for her. I can count 5 husbands I know that love their wives like this.

If married, and my hub loved me according to the Bible, it would not be a challenge to submit to his godly leadership decisions.

If he gave up himself, his porn or flirting with flirty church ladies...that was my case, (if he stops something because I felt hurt by what he did, even if he didnt understand or agree, now THATS Biblical love n I hope I'd also do that for him...but thats giving up ourselves and preferring eachother over ourselves, submitting one to another according to the Bible)

Obedience to God regardless of what the other spouse does is important. But we dont submit to abuse, disrespect, unBiblical living, etc.

Thx athenasius...ps I have a nephew with your name!

It is awful really when a pastor encourages abuse.

If anyone is interested I can give a list of helpful books on the abuse issue. God delivered me from 2 husbands who were. I hate divorce. Single now forever! Abba is my Husband!

Ty again!!!

 

[cheeky200386]

First of all, some great suggestions and sharing in this thread!!


athenasius, great, wonderful, hard earned wisdom!!! And, what a wonderful testimony of God's work in response to your looking to Him! Very encouraging and strengthening! I love how you speak of submission that's good for all involved. I had to make a similar decision with another, extended family member myself and that was really tough but the right path.





I was wondering Cheeky, if perhaps a starting point (after reading God's Word, prayer and submission to God) is having a conversation with Mike, during a time when you both are at ease and he's feeling relaxed, about possibly having an agreed upon signal that he's stifling your son (just keep it to this subject), so in the moment that small signal will communicate what's happening and what's needed (and pray silently at the same time for God's help). Since it's your son that you are most concerned about right now, this might be a smaller step in the right direction.

Do you have a suggested replacement action he could consider doing instead? Replacing unhelpful actions with better actions and having that in mind is a good idea (and thank him for doing this when he does!!). Then, later, perhaps you can ask him what exactly his concern is when he's engaging in this? Is this how he was raised or is he worried about something? What's ticking behind this? Is your son stirring up some things for him (God does use our children to draw us to Him and grow us in Him)?

You might also consider how you would like to purposefully (and Godly) respond to Mike in the moment if he's is having a hard time and not moving towards gentleness with your son. What do you need to do to not allow further hurt? And, perhaps be thinking what are your boundaries? When conversation begins in a critical way towards you, would it just be best to go into another room to give him space to re-think his actions?

Of course the ultimate answer is his need to put faith in Jesus, however, in the process of this, developing deeper care and concern for where your husband is coming from is very helpful (I'm not talking about enabling bad behavior here, but rather kind of helping him investigate what's happening for him inside during these moments).

I'm just thinking of some actionable application ideas.

With that being said, I'm praying for your husband and this situation. Cheeky, you've shown wonderful humbleness and honesty in seeking help and desiring what God desires......this is commendable for it's the humble heart that God draws close to.


The high and lofty one who lives in eternity,
the Holy One, says this:
“I live in the high and holy place
with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.
I restore the crushed spirit of the humble

Isaiah 57:15

I love these suggestions! I can definitely admit I let it come out when we're both upset or stressed. Definitely doomed to fail from the start. That's my struggle, is leaning to wait for a better time. It's like my head knows this (I counsel women to do this!) yet in the moment I impulsively express my frustrations and we argue/yell.

I am definitely going to write down your suggestions to keep them at the forefront of my mind. I notice that when I have a beginning plan of how I want to be for the day after praying for help, the Lord brings that to my mind and I can pause.

It's the immediate reaction that gets me every time. I want to stop the problem then and there or respond to tell him he's wrong for what he's saying or doing. I also tend to talk down to him. He's told me this and I can hear myself doing it in the moment. It's terrible and I want to actually stop this, not just keep apologizing and repeating.

 

[cheeky200386]

We "adopted" a grandma When we were 1st in the ministry. Her hub had passed. She was full of the joy of the Lord and ŕead the Bible for hours daily. She had a stack of missonary's cards she'd pray for. What a gift she was to us...she was a real Grandma to my kids.

She'd gone thru a lot of trials in her life, and could worship Jesus like she did! Always a hymn on her lips!

Maybe an elderly lady, even at a nursing home if they allow that now. Many elderly love being "adopted" n have such wisdom to share. Both parties benefit a ton. Isn't God amazing how He does things?!!

Praying God brings you to someone or them to you! Keep a look out!!! God will give you the desires of your heart as they honor Him! You have a beautiful heart!!!!

Yes that would be lovely! I love the older ladies. They just exude so much calm and are usually more open about issues because they don't try to pretend anymore.

 

[cheeky200386]

Wow ty for sharing what you learned etc!

I agree. Separation from abuse is wise. Domestic violence 24 hr helpline ppl can help one discern if they are in abuse if not sure.

Husbands are rarely taught the verse that says they are to love their wives as Christ loved the church AND gave Himself up for her. I can count 5 husbands I know that love their wives like this.

If married, and my hub loved me according to the Bible, it would not be a challenge to submit to his godly leadership decisions.

If he gave up himself, his porn or flirting with flirty church ladies...that was my case, (if he stops something because I felt hurt by what he did, even if he didnt understand or agree, now THATS Biblical love n I hope I'd also do that for him...but thats giving up ourselves and preferring eachother over ourselves, submitting one to another according to the Bible)

Obedience to God regardless of what the other spouse does is important. But we dont submit to abuse, disrespect, unBiblical living, etc.

Thx athenasius...ps I have a nephew with your name!

It is awful really when a pastor encourages abuse.

If anyone is interested I can give a list of helpful books on the abuse issue. God delivered me from 2 husbands who were. I hate divorce. Single now forever! Abba is my Husband!

Ty again!!!

I would sadly say I have been more of the abuser in our marriage. Controlling, verbally abusive, physically (breaking his things in the past). It's a miracle we made it past the first 5 years.

I can't believe we'll be 15 years together and that he and I can both say it's been better than we could have imagined. That's why having so many more fights now that we have our son has been difficult. We had finally arrived at a point where fights were becoming rare.

He does say that since Peter arrived, the sleep deprivation hadn't helped. We're just starting to get a better handle on the sleep now that Peter is 13 months old. It has been extremely painful. I just wish I could cope better with daily stress and not regress back.

 

[Everlasting Life]

I love these suggestions! I can definitely admit I let it come out when we're both upset or stressed. Definitely doomed to fail from the start. That's my struggle, is leaning to wait for a better time. It's like my head knows this (I counsel women to do this!) yet in the moment I impulsively express my frustrations and we argue/yell.

I am definitely going to write down your suggestions to keep them at the forefront of my mind. I notice that when I have a beginning plan of how I want to be for the day after praying for help, the Lord brings that to my mind and I can pause.

It's the immediate reaction that gets me every time. I want to stop the problem then and there or respond to tell him he's wrong for what he's saying or doing. I also tend to talk down to him. He's told me this and I can hear myself doing it in the moment. It's terrible and I want to actually stop this, not just keep apologizing and repeating.

Ok, this is great! You now are aware of what the pattern is for you. So, you can be thinking about how to proactively change this. Have a game plan ahead of time for your purposeful responses.

And, if you start into the old way in the moment, it's ok to stop yourself suddenly and simply say, "I'm so sorry, I just now realize that I'm not acting in a way that is loving or how I want to be. I'm going to come back in a couple of minutes." and go pray for the Lord's power through the Holy Spirit! THAT will be a game changer right there!!

And, after your husband's jaw is wiped off from the floor, come back, give him a hug, apologize and say something like, "Ok, let me start over. ".

This will model wonderful things for you husband and your sweet child.

When you talk with Mike, come with a humble approach. Ask him for his help rather than telling him what to do. Let him know that you are struggling and would like to have some ideas of a game plan for when you feel that micromanaging is happening or struggling with your past and having reactions. Invite him into your challenges for his help. Ask him if he'd be ok with a signal.......or........does he have an idea of how to handle this situation. You might be surprised at the GREAT idea he might just have in his intelligent mind. This shows respect and this is what he needs from you Cheeky.

 

[cheeky200386]

Ok, this is great! You now are aware of what the pattern is for you. So, you can be thinking about how to proactively change this. Have a game plan ahead of time for your purposeful responses.

And, if you start into the old way in the moment, it's ok to stop yourself suddenly and simply say, "I'm so sorry, I just now realize that I'm not acting in a way that is loving or how I want to be. I'm going to come back in a couple of minutes." and go pray for the Lord's power through the Holy Spirit! THAT will be a game changer right there!!

And, after your husband's jaw is wiped off from the floor, come back, give him a hug, apologize and say something like, "Ok, let me start over. ".

This will model wonderful things for you husband and your sweet child.

When you talk with Mike, come with a humble approach. Ask him for his help rather than telling him what to do. Let him know that you are struggling and would like to have some ideas of a game plan for when you feel that micromanaging is happening or struggling with your past and having reactions. Invite him into your challenges for his help. Ask him if he'd be ok with a signal.......or........does he have an idea of how to handle this situation. You might be surprised at the GREAT idea he might just have in his intelligent mind. This shows respect and this is what he needs from you Cheeky.

I love this last idea! So basic but so difficult to come up to do when upset. I will apply this too. I'm curious to see how he takes that.

 

[athenasius]

What was it that you believe made your husband worse post salvation? It sounds like he had the anger problem already. I'm definitely going to pray about this for Mike and me.

Thank you for being so open in sharing your past struggles. It definitely helps me in seeing how difficult it is for others too. It's not just a cut and dry formula.

You are so welcome. He struggles with depression, many men who are depressed have anger as one of the symptoms of depression. He had some anger, some depression, but it was like that became more intense, more difficult after getting saved. It's an ongoing struggle for him, depression particularly. But he has gotten help for that and over time these things became less intense.

It's just that when we become Christians, we see our sins more clearly, and Satan comes around to intensify that struggle. We fall into the old sins and because we expect better, we are disappointed more. But it's not just that perception being sharper, the attack is definitely on us, as Christians.

Something that helped me then and now-- playing the Bible on some type of audio. In those early years, I listened to the Bible on a cassette tape. Yes I sat down and had proper Bible readings too, but that kind of study was much more sporadic than I care to admit. SHHH nobody's listening, I'm telling you between us. I'm SOOOO not a perfect Christian!

When I first started listening to the Bible on tapes I felt guilty for not sitting down and having that proper Bible reading study session. I got over it though. That was the enemy again, trying to discourage the Bible from getting in.

I was a young mother of 2, back in my career as an RN, working shifts. Finally I realized that running the Word over me even if I was cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, making meals MATTERED TOO! It never occurred to me till years later that was an attack from Satan, that Bible should be listened to reverently, not cleaning, cooking or wiping noses or bottoms.

-- I will also point out that Peter will be hearing and absorbing the Bible from an early age if you do this. So will your husband. Sort of an unintended side effect you might appreciate. If it bothers your husband, when he is around, use an iphone with ear buds or such. Just make sure Peter is getting an earful of it.

There is more than one way to tackle things.

Nowadays there is Bible readings on YouTube, you have Andy Woods preaching in series of a Bible book at a time, verse by verse. My daughter in law loves an audio version she runs off her Apple TV that is Genesis to Revelation, with sound effects and it is running in her home steadily when we go over.

If you make it part of the home, it will be working on the hearts and minds and spirits of all who are in your home. Even if it's turned down soft and low in the background.

Another thing I did to help block the enemy attacking my husband and kids was to pay attention to 2 basic needs for him and for the kids so they wouldn't all have a mutual melt down while I was trying to get supper on the table. Or a scream fest at bedtime.

Food and Rest.

Food:

Keeping everyone's blood sugars stable. I put a priority on regular meals with some protein in each. I didn't do high sugar or high carb meals for the same reason. Kid's blood sugar bottoming out when a tired cranky hungry husband came home expecting dinner in half an hour was not my idea of fun times in the family.

By 9 am I decide on dinner. I still do this because due to my health related fatigue (light years beyond feeling "tired"--I have to schedule showers because on shower days I can't do much else)

I started that "decide on dinner by 9 am" (or 9 pm the night before) because I figured out the longer I waited, the more expensive supper got, either having to go to the store late in the afternoon, or worse yet, take out.

But it also meant I got supper into George shortly after he came home from work. This meant the kids weren't having low blood sugar tantrums either. (suicide hour I think it's now called in the mommy sites).

There's another thing my unsaved step gran taught me-- never have a big important discussion on something when your husband is tired, hungry and just home from work. It's bound to blow up. She said FEED THE MAN FIRST, then lay the bad news onto him!

Good advice, when I remembered it. But my decide on dinner by 9 am kept me out of the worst of those moments anyway.

Nowadays due to the fatigue I prepare the veggies, put them in the electric steamer, with water (or have them peeled, chopped, soaking in a pan of cold water-- so what if they lose a vitamin or two, it's done ahead, not at crunch time). But that steamer habit, and the prep ahead habit started back then.

I used to use a crockpot in the early days, and that or just thawing out the frozen meat worked to make sure I was on track from that 9 am time.

That meant the kids and George were eating their veggies along with the meat of the day, and the starch that I was cooking with it. Some of those years I used a little rice cooker set up in advance earlier in the day or microwaved some pre scrubbed potatoes that I prepared earlier.

Rest.

I didn't care if my kids weren't napping and hadn't napped since the age of 2. Everybody lay down in their bedrooms with a book in the afternoon after lunch. Even in the teen years as homeschoolers. Because I NEEDED THEM TO.

I'm not part of the South American Siesta culture, but I sure did adopt that wonderful habit. Especially for my sake. It gave me my second wind so I could finish making --and worse yet cleaning up after --supper. You got an excuse with your Spanish heritage, Milk it for what it's worth sister!!! just sayin'

Regular bedtimes for all. That's easier said than done when one of you works shift. But getting the kids down by 7 pm (we ate supper at 4:30) meant that I had some time to myself (if I wasn't racing out to work). I didn't care if they lay there reading books by flashlight (I pretended I did care just so they'd feel they were getting away with something). I was DONE being a parent for a couple of quiet hours.

What mattered was me in bed by 9 pm, and George too because both of us are early risers-- he was often up at 4:30 or 5 am, with me and the kids soon after and making sure of regular bedtimes kept all of us on an even keel. Our time schedule was ours, yours will vary because we are all different but I made sure the kids got lots of sleep and a daytime rest break on a regular basis.

That's how I kind of built my own home grown firewall against a lot of the attacks of the enemy because he waits for an advantage, and these were things I could build in some robust defences against.

Hope the way I did it gives you ideas to adapt from because we are all very different. Your times might vary, your need for naps might vary, but some things about regular meals and regular bedtimes sure do help.

Love M

 

[cheeky200386]

You are so welcome. He struggles with depression, many men who are depressed have anger as one of the symptoms of depression. He had some anger, some depression, but it was like that became more intense, more difficult after getting saved. It's an ongoing struggle for him, depression particularly. But he has gotten help for that and over time these things became less intense.

It's just that when we become Christians, we see our sins more clearly, and Satan comes around to intensify that struggle. We fall into the old sins and because we expect better, we are disappointed more. But it's not just that perception being sharper, the attack is definitely on us, as Christians.

Something that helped me then and now-- playing the Bible on some type of audio. In those early years, I listened to the Bible on a cassette tape. Yes I sat down and had proper Bible readings too, but that kind of study was much more sporadic than I care to admit. SHHH nobody's listening, I'm telling you between us. I'm SOOOO not a perfect Christian!

When I first started listening to the Bible on tapes I felt guilty for not sitting down and having that proper Bible reading study session. I got over it though. That was the enemy again, trying to discourage the Bible from getting in.

I was a young mother of 2, back in my career as an RN, working shifts. Finally I realized that running the Word over me even if I was cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, making meals MATTERED TOO! It never occurred to me till years later that was an attack from Satan, that Bible should be listened to reverently, not cleaning, cooking or wiping noses or bottoms.

-- I will also point out that Peter will be hearing and absorbing the Bible from an early age if you do this. So will your husband. Sort of an unintended side effect you might appreciate. If it bothers your husband, when he is around, use an iphone with ear buds or such. Just make sure Peter is getting an earful of it.

There is more than one way to tackle things.

Nowadays there is Bible readings on YouTube, you have Andy Woods preaching in series of a Bible book at a time, verse by verse. My daughter in law loves an audio version she runs off her Apple TV that is Genesis to Revelation, with sound effects and it is running in her home steadily when we go over.

If you make it part of the home, it will be working on the hearts and minds and spirits of all who are in your home. Even if it's turned down soft and low in the background.

Another thing I did to help block the enemy attacking my husband and kids was to pay attention to 2 basic needs for him and for the kids so they wouldn't all have a mutual melt down while I was trying to get supper on the table. Or a scream fest at bedtime.

Food and Rest.

Food:

Keeping everyone's blood sugars stable. I put a priority on regular meals with some protein in each. I didn't do high sugar or high carb meals for the same reason. Kid's blood sugar bottoming out when a tired cranky hungry husband came home expecting dinner in half an hour was not my idea of fun times in the family.

By 9 am I decide on dinner. I still do this because due to my health related fatigue (light years beyond feeling "tired"--I have to schedule showers because on shower days I can't do much else)

I started that "decide on dinner by 9 am" (or 9 pm the night before) because I figured out the longer I waited, the more expensive supper got, either having to go to the store late in the afternoon, or worse yet, take out.

But it also meant I got supper into George shortly after he came home from work. This meant the kids weren't having low blood sugar tantrums either. (suicide hour I think it's now called in the mommy sites).

There's another thing my unsaved step gran taught me-- never have a big important discussion on something when your husband is tired, hungry and just home from work. It's bound to blow up. She said FEED THE MAN FIRST, then lay the bad news onto him!

Good advice, when I remembered it. But my decide on dinner by 9 am kept me out of the worst of those moments anyway.

Nowadays due to the fatigue I prepare the veggies, put them in the electric steamer, with water (or have them peeled, chopped, soaking in a pan of cold water-- so what if they lose a vitamin or two, it's done ahead, not at crunch time). But that steamer habit, and the prep ahead habit started back then.

I used to use a crockpot in the early days, and that or just thawing out the frozen meat worked to make sure I was on track from that 9 am time.

That meant the kids and George were eating their veggies along with the meat of the day, and the starch that I was cooking with it. Some of those years I used a little rice cooker set up in advance earlier in the day or microwaved some pre scrubbed potatoes that I prepared earlier.

Rest.

I didn't care if my kids weren't napping and hadn't napped since the age of 2. Everybody lay down in their bedrooms with a book in the afternoon after lunch. Even in the teen years as homeschoolers. Because I NEEDED THEM TO.

I'm not part of the South American Siesta culture, but I sure did adopt that wonderful habit. Especially for my sake. It gave me my second wind so I could finish making --and worse yet cleaning up after --supper. You got an excuse with your Spanish heritage, Milk it for what it's worth sister!!! just sayin'

Regular bedtimes for all. That's easier said than done when one of you works shift. But getting the kids down by 7 pm (we ate supper at 4:30) meant that I had some time to myself (if I wasn't racing out to work). I didn't care if they lay there reading books by flashlight (I pretended I did care just so they'd feel they were getting away with something). I was DONE being a parent for a couple of quiet hours.

What mattered was me in bed by 9 pm, and George too because both of us are early risers-- he was often up at 4:30 or 5 am, with me and the kids soon after and making sure of regular bedtimes kept all of us on an even keel. Our time schedule was ours, yours will vary because we are all different but I made sure the kids got lots of sleep and a daytime rest break on a regular basis.

That's how I kind of built my own home grown firewall against a lot of the attacks of the enemy because he waits for an advantage, and these were things I could build in some robust defences against.

Hope the way I did it gives you ideas to adapt from because we are all very different. Your times might vary, your need for naps might vary, but some things about regular meals and regular bedtimes sure do help.

Love M

Can I just say that I love that you're wordy! There is so much wealth here. I will definitely reread all of this post to absorb everything. I just love the idea of playing the audio Bible on as often as possible. I had heard this before and didn't believe it did anything so I stopped. I saw it as superstitious but now that you say it, it was definitely a satanic attack. What harm can come from hearing the Bible out loud all of the time? Wow

I can see what you mean about the Satanic attacks increasing how disappointment in the beginning. I'd have to be careful around how Satan would try to target Mike and I when he does get saved. Since you've brought it up and now I'm more aware, I'll definitely be talking to Mike for his awareness too.

The tips on how to minimize meltdowns and trouble times is genius. This first year with Peter has been the hardest adjustment of my life. I was NOT prepared for motherhood in the slightest. Sleep has been a disaster, take out has been my crutch because meals just never get prioritized. I've slowly started increasing my cooking. Mike has helped tremendously. He has seasoned the meats while I work so that when I'm done, I can throw it in the oven and then he goes off to work. He works 3-11pm.

I'm planning to change my work schedule to 3 longer days rather than 6 short days. I'm hoping this will give me more down time to cook and clean. Seeing clients, even if it's just 3 a day drains me. I liked the extra money of seeing 18 clients a week, but I think going down to 12 a week is more realistic. Especially when sleep is now lacking.

I can't tell you how much I truly appreciate every sentence you have written. It's like I'm trying to ingest every bit because I'm so starved of practical Christian suggestions for wives. This thread with all of the suggestions from everyone has been a treasure. THANK YOU!!!

 

[Belle of Grace]

I can't tell you how much I truly appreciate every sentence you have written. It's like I'm trying to ingest every bit because I'm so starved of practical Christian suggestions for wives. This thread with all of the suggestions from everyone has been a treasure.

I agree! I love this playbook of Margery's. Even though I'm in her season of life, I have a daughter-in-law who's getting started (with two preschoolers). She has much to learn, too, as she was not prepared for parenting either (is anybody, ever?) Anyway, I want to help her in some practical ways, and some of these suggestions are just good sense. I want to pass along to her the structure of the day around food and rest being priorities along with time in the Word. Women need the counsel of other women all along the way. I'm enjoying this thread as much as you are, and I'm not too old to learn some better ways of managing my days a little more efficiently and then passing it on to the younger women in my life. I promise not to take the credit for the good ideas that I have been reading here.

 

[Jojo4124]

I would sadly say I have been more of the abuser in our marriage. Controlling, verbally abusive, physically (breaking his things in the past). It's a miracle we made it past the first 5 years.

I can't believe we'll be 15 years together and that he and I can both say it's been better than we could have imagined. That's why having so many more fights now that we have our son has been difficult. We had finally arrived at a point where fights were becoming rare.

He does say that since Peter arrived, the sleep deprivation hadn't helped. We're just starting to get a better handle on the sleep now that Peter is 13 months old. It has been extremely painful. I just wish I could cope better with daily stress and not regress back.

Cheeky, princess daughter of The King, we all sin n fall short...and yet Jesus is faithful to forgive AND cleanse us when we repent! God is awesome n kind to not remember our sins...no condemnation!

You have humility about your actions...n God will help you! Abusers I referred to generally lack empathy n dont ever admit to wrongdoing. You arent in that camp hon!

God can help us with the temperments He gave us.

Congratulations on your little one, life changes are huge when they enter our lives.

Are you able to get a break now n then? Even maybe a babysitter for 2 hours so you can maybe go out n relax away from baby's demands?

Praying for you, your marriage, n family! Abba will lead you...and also provide rest!

Xxooo

 

[cheeky200386]

Cheeky, princess daughter of The King, we all sin n fall short...and yet Jesus is faithful to forgive AND cleanse us when we repent! God is awesome n kind to not remember our sins...no condemnation!

You have humility about your actions...n God will help you! Abusers I referred to generally lack empathy n dont ever admit to wrongdoing. You arent in that camp hon!

God can help us with the temperments He gave us.

Congratulations on your little one, life changes are huge when they enter our lives.

Are you able to get a break now n then? Even maybe a babysitter for 2 hours so you can maybe go out n relax away from baby's demands?

Praying for you, your marriage, n family! Abba will lead you...and also provide rest!

Xxooo

Thank you so much for your sweet words. I'm so grateful that God died for me and am trusting in his grace.

I could get someone to watch him for a break but I don't trust anyone to be alone with Peter. Lol I've even had a secret camera on while my mom has stayed with him in the past.

I'm in the camp that everyone is either a pedophile or abusive until proven innocent. Especially when he can't speak yet. We'll see once he's much older. My husband usually gives me a couple of hours to myself on his days off.

 

[Jojo4124]

This brought tears to my eyes. Can you adopt me?! In all seriousness though, your story is incredible and I hear the wisdom of a faith that was tested through fire.

Oh yes, I saw physical and verbal abuse growing up between my parents and verbal abuse towards us kids. At a young age I learned to be sensitive of the emotional environment to know how to survive it. Being with my husband has taught me a lot about my codependency.

Since becoming a Christian, God has freed me of a lot of that. My anger is still explosive and as my parents did, using sarcasm and underhanded comments to attach are my specialty. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have gotten physical by pushing my husband on a couple of occasions.

The challenge I face is in reeling in my temper when I feel my husband micromanage my decisions to ones I don't see that big (don't let Peter eat that there, wipe his hand now, etc ..). It's a miracle he trusts me alone with Peter when he's not there. I saw him do that with his daughter and years later she complained how stifling it was.

Mike knows this but is so rigid that he doesn't always catch it in the moment. I struggle because I know it's not sin but man is it suffocating. I always snap and yell it at him, wanting to just escape. Yet with so many bigger issues, he seems to lack care.

I completely agree that sin is a hard no, but as you shared it often gets muddied. I just know I will not be able to be quiet if I see him deflating my son with his micromanaging, and harshness. He speaks to us as if we're army recruits. Loud and harsh. It really boils my blood.

Since having Peter, the fighting has just escalated because now he has my parenting to comment on and our son to deal with. My mama bear is constantly on edge. I've spoken to Mike on this, he'll admit to these issues but nothing changes.

I know what you mean about Satan attacking so viciously once we're first saved. I remember it for myself but I hadn't thought of that for Mike in the future.

What was it that you believe made your husband worse post salvation? It sounds like he had the anger problem already. I'm definitely going to pray about this for Mike and me.

Thank you for being so open in sharing your past struggles. It definitely helps me in seeing how difficult it is for others too. It's not just a cut and dry formula.

Cheeky, something that helped me with anger was getting off sugar n white flour. I learned that sugar is like cocaine in that it lessens the self control part in the brain. It really helped me. I do eat sugar now, but try to be mindful to follow it with protein or vice versa. Just a thought, you might not relate, but it did help me a lot!

 

[Jojo4124]

Thank you so much for your sweet words. I'm so grateful that God died for me and am trusting in his grace.

I could get someone to watch him for a break but I don't trust anyone to be alone with Peter. Lol I've even had a secret camera on while my mom has stayed with him in the past.

I'm in the camp that everyone is either a pedophile or abusive until proven innocent. Especially when he can't speak yet. We'll see once he's much older. My husband usually gives me a couple of hours to myself on his days off.

I understand that! I had some horrible babysitters, n that was before there were cameras to put in your house.

As a nanny, I expect ppl to backhround check me n have cameras, it's scary to ask a stranger to watch your precious little one.

We got to know a Christian couple. The wife n I would take turn bbsitting the kids for an hour each week. Just an hour break was awesome! I am glad your hubby gives you time for you. It's important!!

 

[Jojo4124]

I would love to find a Titus 2:3-5 older woman to mentor me in being a submissive wife. Someone who I could share my struggles with and they would rebuke and point me back to scripture, to pray for me. I want to so desperately to live out 1 Peter 3 with my unbelieving husband but am finding it virtually impossible to submit to him. Gentle and quiet are the complete opposite of me sadly. I realize more and more how pervasive and deep the roots of this evil feminist culture go in my thinking. It would be wonderful to have guidance on daily practical examples that I face.

Has anyone on here found someone like this and what did you notice in your growth and marriage? I'm thinking of asking my pastor if he knows of an older woman in church who would have the time and desire to teach me. Sadly all the women in my church, including my pastor's wife, are very feisty and irritable. I haven't met any gentle and meek ones personally.

I was wondering if you ever did those personality tests? Long ago a church we went to felt it was important for ppl to know the up n downsides to their personalities and gifts to help equip individuals for ministry that their uniqueness would fit well with.

It reallllllly helped me to learn that A) I was an introvert (healed me in soooo many ways! In a mostly extroverted world, I always felt I was so flawed...why did parties exhaust me, for example) Most churches are geared toward extroverts, and the education system...I HATED group projects! Lol)

And B) that God made me a melancholy. My personality weaknesses include rumination, moodiness, etc not pretty. Compared to a sanguine's worst weakness of messiness, I felt cheated by being given a temperament that was so against God's Word. We all struggle to capture out thoughts, for ex, but for me to cease rumination is difficult. As I learned to trust God, n forgive ppl, for ex, I am getting better.

So, most ppl that give talks on the temperaments...sanguine, choleric, melancholy, n phlegmatic are EXTROVERTS!!! LOL Even Christian speakers kind of laugh when they get to describe the melancholies...like hehe, well, THIS temperament...well...it's kinda awful. Lol honestly, it's been nonChristian books on introverts thats helped me accept who God created me to be.

BUT be careful...theres a lot of new age stuff out there on this topic. Like ennegrams, etc.

Bottom line is ALL personalities n temperaments that are submitted to obedience to God's Word..is how Christians are supposed to live.

It may be harder for some ppl to serve others, for ex. Its hard for ALL of us to consider others before our selves. If we say we follow Jesus, we can train our God given personalities to obey Jesus.

Society wars against the Word. We arent to copy ppl we see, even church ppl. God is the One Who gives us wisdom if we seek Him. Where the rubber meets the road is when God points to something that I need to submit to Him, EVEN IF the world or church says its ok. But God asked ppl to do radical things all the time in the Bible. It is hard, but we have as examples the many ppl in the Bible who chose to obey God, have faith, etc. Usually those ppl were hated n jeered at.

God is so creative! We all have weaknesses but also strengths!!! As we submit our desires, our SELVES, etc to God, He will train us to be something He can use...fruit clings to the Vine and becomes what the Vine designs the fruit to be...n the Vine gets the glory!!!

Praying for you hon! May Abba completly heal your past wounds! He'll show you the roots of why your anger, etc is triggered...if He thinks you need to know that n He'll heal it. Or, He can just heal ya!! Keep seeking Him...He Will give you wisdom as you seek Him!!!

Xxxooo

 

[cheeky200386]

Cheeky, something that helped me with anger was getting off sugar n white flour. I learned that sugar is like cocaine in that it lessens the self control part in the brain. It really helped me. I do eat sugar now, but try to be mindful to follow it with protein or vice versa. Just a thought, you might not relate, but it did help me a lot!

I had never heard that before. I knew sugar was unhealthy but nothing about inhibition control.

 

[cheeky200386]

I was wondering if you ever did those personality tests? Long ago a church we went to felt it was important for ppl to know the up n downsides to their personalities and gifts to help equip individuals for ministry that their uniqueness would fit well with.

It reallllllly helped me to learn that A) I was an introvert (healed me in soooo many ways! In a mostly extroverted world, I always felt I was so flawed...why did parties exhaust me, for example) Most churches are geared toward extroverts, and the education system...I HATED group projects! Lol)

And B) that God made me a melancholy. My personality weaknesses include rumination, moodiness, etc not pretty. Compared to a sanguine's worst weakness of messiness, I felt cheated by being given a temperament that was so against God's Word. We all struggle to capture out thoughts, for ex, but for me to cease rumination is difficult. As I learned to trust God, n forgive ppl, for ex, I am getting better.

So, most ppl that give talks on the temperaments...sanguine, choleric, melancholy, n phlegmatic are EXTROVERTS!!! LOL Even Christian speakers kind of laugh when they get to describe the melancholies...like hehe, well, THIS temperament...well...it's kinda awful. Lol honestly, it's been nonChristian books on introverts thats helped me accept who God created me to be.

BUT be careful...theres a lot of new age stuff out there on this topic. Like ennegrams, etc.

Bottom line is ALL personalities n temperaments that are submitted to obedience to God's Word..is how Christians are supposed to live.

It may be harder for some ppl to serve others, for ex. Its hard for ALL of us to consider others before our selves. If we say we follow Jesus, we can train our God given personalities to obey Jesus.

Society wars against the Word. We arent to copy ppl we see, even church ppl. God is the One Who gives us wisdom if we seek Him. Where the rubber meets the road is when God points to something that I need to submit to Him, EVEN IF the world or church says its ok. But God asked ppl to do radical things all the time in the Bible. It is hard, but we have as examples the many ppl in the Bible who chose to obey God, have faith, etc. Usually those ppl were hated n jeered at.

God is so creative! We all have weaknesses but also strengths!!! As we submit our desires, our SELVES, etc to God, He will train us to be something He can use...fruit clings to the Vine and becomes what the Vine designs the fruit to be...n the Vine gets the glory!!!

Praying for you hon! May Abba completly heal your past wounds! He'll show you the roots of why your anger, etc is triggered...if He thinks you need to know that n He'll heal it. Or, He can just heal ya!! Keep seeking Him...He Will give you wisdom as you seek Him!!!

Xxxooo

I'm definitely an introvert and have seen the ways in which our strengths can be used for God. I love to read and can study for hours. God has blessed me in being able to take all that Bible study and share it with others like my clients and reminds me of verses for myself. I remember reading a book about introverts in the church and the ways we can be a blessing. I also remember hearing a pastor share how one of the introvert members devoted himself to translating bibles to the language needed for the upcoming missionary for that church. The pastor mentioned that not many would have been able to complete that task without losing their minds. lol

We can also be really good listeners which is a way we can show love to others. Many struggle to find people that will listen intently, instead most people just want to talk about themselves. My husband is extroverted and we definitely compliment each other nicely. God bless you!

 

[mattfivefour]

A caution here: personality tests and inventories and the psychology that spawns them is a minefield. Yes, some people believe they are helped by such things and that may be. But introspection and listening to the teachings of unsaved people is not a biblically healthy way to order one's life. They may mean well, and occasionally get some things right. But God is right 100 percent of the time and His Word is really all we need. The Holy Spirit is the One who knows us intimately and shapes us perfectly. No man, no psychologist regardless of his or her degrees can do that. As we pray and look into the Word of God, He reflects us to ourselves and superimposes over that image the picture of what He desires us to be-- images of Jesus Christ. Please stick to the Word of God. And if there are serious issues to be dealt with in one's life, then find a true biblical counselor and let them help you through the wisdom and insight of the Bible.

 

[Chris]

A caution here: personality tests and inventories and the psychology that spawns them is a minefield. Yes, some people believe they are helped by such things and that may be. But introspection and listening to the teachings of unsaved people is not a biblically healthy way to order one's life. They may mean well, and occasionally get some things right. But God is right 100 percent of the time and His Word is really all we need. The Holy Spirit is the One who knows us intimately and shapes us perfectly. No man, no psychologist regardless of his or her degrees can do that. As we pray and look into the Word of God, He reflects us to ourselves and superimposes over that image the picture of what He desires us to be-- images of Jesus Christ. Please stick to the Word of God. And if there are serious issues to be dealt with in one's life, then find a true biblical counselor and let them help you through the wisdom and insight of the Bible.

Agreed. Amen.

 

[cheeky200386]

A caution here: personality tests and inventories and the psychology that spawns them is a minefield. Yes, some people believe they are helped by such things and that may be. But introspection and listening to the teachings of unsaved people is not a biblically healthy way to order one's life. They may mean well, and occasionally get some things right. But God is right 100 percent of the time and His Word is really all we need. The Holy Spirit is the One who knows us intimately and shapes us perfectly. No man, no psychologist regardless of his or her degrees can do that. As we pray and look into the Word of God, He reflects us to ourselves and superimposes over that image the picture of what He desires us to be-- images of Jesus Christ. Please stick to the Word of God. And if there are serious issues to be dealt with in one's life, then find a true biblical counselor and let them help you through the wisdom and insight of the Bible.

AMEN! That is the biggest issue in churches accepting man made ideas and philosophies.

 

[athenasius]

Cheeky I'm going to let you in on my "cheat sheet" for grocery shopping and meals. It saves me money, time and energy. This keeps my kitchen humming along and I can easily delegate so George helps me without difficulty. It's simple for both our sakes. I struggle with brain fog as the fatigue worsens thru the day.


----------------------
iPhone CHEAT SHEET:
I have a list on my iPhone in Notes of 5 categories of meats in my freezer; Sunday dinner items, chicken, pork, fish and ground beef.

In each category I list 5 stupidly simple "recipes" that I usually have the fixings for on hand. My pantry & spices are pared down for simplicity as well.

Plus 5 extras that don't fit in any category but I make regularly. That gives me 30 options.

Those "recipes" are like the ribs I'm making tonight. Pork ribs. Seasoned salt, pepper. Bake on a foil lined tray at 400. Done.

I pull something out at 9am (or pm the night before to thaw in the fridge when I worked shifts) and I know what I'll do with it. I can change my mind if I feel like it. If I'm really tired, I default to "plop it on a foil lined tray and bake at 400" which just happens to be the ribs tonight.

Stupid simple.



----------------------
MENU PLAN:
I ear mark 5 meats in the freezer and those 5 veggies (see below under online grocery shopping) for 5 meals plus a couple of leftovers. Counting on the fingers of one hand! Keeping it simple!

I call it my 5&5 menu because it's a list of 5 meats and veggies that I can mix and match and pull out whatever we feel like. Keeps it flexible. Add a carb for the carb eaters, and it's DONE!

I HATE menu plans. Too much like a straight jacket. This works because I'm not locked into ground beef on Wednesday when I might prefer chops. Why 5-- because usually that leaves room to finish the leftovers and maybe have takeout for fun. Or go out. It stays flexible.

My Sunday dinner is my Roast something that gives me leftovers for Monday when I'm usually doing the change of sheets, towels and main laundry. It's a "company" type meal. Roast beef, Pot roast, Ham, Lamb chops or roast and Steaks on the BBQ. Green salad usually as a veggie side. I wash and chop a 3 pack of Romaine lettuce into a big dollar store salad bowl "keeper" with a lid. It goes for 2-3 days depending on the company on Sunday.



----------------------
FREEZER:
I am limited to the small space in my fridge freezer.

When I make an online grocery order for George to pick up, I cast an eye on my categories so I can spot which of the 5 I'm running low on. Ditto my simplified pantry. I think about lunch fixings too-- we do a lot of canned salmon & tuna salads, cheese and cold cuts from Costco.

If ground beef is on sale for example I might pick up one or 2 chubs and cut it into 1to1&1/2 lb chunks and flat pack it into a medium ziplock freezer bag.

Flat packs thaw best and take the least room.

If he goes to Costco and I am low on pork chops he picks me up a boneless pork loin and I cut it up into chops and a roast and flat pack the chops. Saves money.



----------------------
ONLINE GROCERY SHOPPING:
Online orders save time, energy and money. I don't complicate it. If I need ground beef and it's not on sale, I buy the ground beef anyway. The savings come from me not being in the store -- the online shopper sticks to my list. George picks up the order or if he goes to Costco for me, he sticks to the list. If they are out of something, I substitute from what I have on hand.

I have a veggie list that consists of topping off my onions, potatoes and carrot supply plus 5 other veggies of whatever looks good this week to get us thru a week. I always have a jar of sauerkraut in the fridge from Costco, and some tins of beets for emergency veggies.

Top up the fruit in the fruit drawer, the bread or bagels for George, butter, cheese, cold cuts, eggs, milk and orange juice and I'm done with groceries for another week.



----------------------
FINAL THOUGHT:
What this does is it gives me options-- I don't HAVE to follow my 5&5 plan if I don't want. But I know I have everything I need for a week without hitting the store again. I always have extra meats in the freezer and I always have my carrots, potatoes, onions and sauerkraut on hand if the 5 meals aren't lasting us the whole week.

Your meals, and recipes will naturally be very different but this is just an example for you or anyone else short of time, money, or energy to keep on rolling with regular meals. Pick and choose any strategy that resonates with you.

Love
M