Stepdaughter Boundaries

cheeky200386

Well-Known Member
I'm exhausted. This past month has been incredibly taxing emotionally and physically. It just seems like a battle that never ends with problems between my mom and I and then my husband and I.

When I finally thought peace was back, my estranged step daughter calls my husband after radio silence since June of last year. He springs on me how he wants her to live with us so we'd have to move out of our place to get an apartment to accommodate her. She's turning 18 years and our plan had been to stay with my mom to save for a house. I am not ok with his daughter living with us at all.

She has only ever used my husband, lied to us, and has been rejecting all of our help up to this point. She will be dropping out of high school once she's 18 this summer. I told my husband that I would prefer he take some of our savings and set her up with her own studio apartment. I let him know I would even support him helping her financially as long as she goes to school for her GED, get counseling, then either get a trade or some career, while working part time to get herself settled. She currently lives in FL with her mom.

My husband is completely against any idea that doesn't have her living with us. I've been praying about this and feel so overwhelmed. Every time she enters our life it's chaos and a whirlwind, then we don't hear from her. He says he understands but feels this is the only way he can make up for his failure to fight for her up to this point.

It doesn't help that I'm almost 34 weeks pregnant with our first child together and tired.

It's just been an awful time anytime his daughter is involved and I've known her since she was 3. Mainly because of the dysfunctional mother and my husband's refusal to take her to court for violating their orders. He refused to prevent the mother from moving to FL when his daughter was 13 even though his family and myself told him not to let her leave. It's just been one failure on his part after another and now it seems he wants to sacrifice our home to make it up. :gaah
 

cheeky200386

Well-Known Member
parenting out of guilt always backfires
I can't tell you all the arguments of me telling him to fight for custody, file against the mom every time she would refuse visits only for him to say he didn't want his child support to go up. I understand he has a lot of regrets now but having her live with us, giving how dysfunctional she is now is only going to create a strain. I told him before we married that after a certain point I would not be ok with her moving in. He agreed but now is changing his tune. I'd happily support his helping her financially while she tries to get settled somehow.
 

Cindy S.

When he comes, will he find faith? Luke 18:8
I can't tell you all the arguments of me telling him to fight for custody, file against the mom every time she would refuse visits only for him to say he didn't want his child support to go up. I understand he has a lot of regrets now but having her live with us, giving how dysfunctional she is now is only going to create a strain. I told him before we married that after a certain point I would not be ok with her moving in. He agreed but now is changing his tune. I'd happily support his helping her financially while she tries to get settled somehow.
oh I can relate unfortunately. It might be what she needs though, rules and structure and babysitting to help out. Doesn't sound like she got any from mom.
 

Cindy S.

When he comes, will he find faith? Luke 18:8
:hmmm She is almost 18? Past experience in that area means wanting complete independence at that age and no rules regulations from parents which in turn means the desire to live on her own or share the housing costs with a friend etc etc...
IMO no rules - no financial help. My dad had a therapist tell him when you're an adult, you can no longer blame your parents for your problems. I tend to agree.
 

mattfivefour

Administrator
Staff member
Sister, your husband (and you with him) need to talk to a godly counselor. There is too much at stake here not to. Your husband failed in his first marriage and then failed his first daughter; does he want to compound that by shipwrecking this marriage and failing his second child?
 

Tall Timbers

Imperfect but forgiven
This is a hard situation. I've only been married once. Trying to imagine myself in your husband's situation I would have hoped that before I married again that I had had a discussion with my potential new wife and let her know that if one of my children wanted to come live with us that the door would be open to them, the only stipulation being that they follow whatever the house rules are, which are always subject to change. That's something that's important enough to me that it would be a deal breaker if my potential future spouse didn't agree to allow that. If I'd neglected to discuss it prior to the marriage, then I would have to get my new wife to agree to it, otherwise it wouldn't happen. It wouldn't be fair to her otherwise.

Knowing how important something like that would be to me, I suggest you pray much over it. If she comes to live with you, you and your husband should establish some general rules of the house for her and then she should be treated like an adult. It could be a witness/mentor opportunity for you.

:pray :pray :pray
 

alisani

Well-Known Member
As someone else mentioned, it sounds as if he is parenting out of guilt. And it unfortunately also sounds as if she is aware of this and uses it as a manipulative tool.

Will be praying for resolutions for these issues, for your peace and health and for special protections for you and the coming baby!
 

cheeky200386

Well-Known Member
All of you make great points. I see how God could want this to use it and how it could be a disaster if done without wisdom. I think I will suggest that Mike and I talk to my Pastor for some Godly counsel. He will be blunt with both of us and call me out too if I need it. I know my husband respects my Pastor a lot and has reached out to him for something recently on his own, which is amazing.

I went to Wednesday night service and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was from Psalm 112 verse 7 about the righteous not fearing bad news because his heart is fixed in trusting the Lord.

I need to fix my eyes on God and trust him with this. My worries are because I haven't been doing that. Man this is tough.
 

Lovin Jesus

Well-Known Member
I’m praying for you for your situation Cheeky. Im letting my heart respond to your prayer request believing that this is a good route to go. The greatest advice you can get is from the Lord who know all things and has the answer for everything. I’m praying that in our prayers along with yours that the Holy Spirit may intercede for you that God in His Wisdom will give you the guidance you need to not only help you in acting accordingly to what is in the best interest of your whole family, but that your husband may be led to do the same as the one who has the responsibility of leading his household in a productive and thoughtful manner so that his decisions will bring only what is good for everyone concerned.

I don’t know if your husband is a believer or not, if he is then he knows what his role is and I pray he will pray for Gods guidance and follow Gods to fulfill that role, if he isn’t a believer I pray that the Lord may use him as he has used unbelievers in the past for His purpose and because you love God this would fall in line with how he would use your husband for your benefit as His child who loves Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

Prayers will continue in your behalf that the Lord will bring about the answers to our prayers according to His will and purpose and with an outcome that brings you peace and happiness.

If it turns out that your step daughter will end up living with you, my prayers will continue, but be directed at her surrendering to Jesus in repentance and accept him as her Savior, she and your husband both if he isn’t a believer.

Trust in Him that whatever He directs in this situation will be for the
Romans 8:28 outcome.

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.
Romans 8:13

I pray that the Spirit will speak to your heart and bring you into Gods peace that whatever this comes to be that it will be used as an opportunity. Opportunity for His glory and that He may use it for everyone’s benefit

With Love in Jesus
 

Lynn

Longing for Home
it turns out that your step daughter will end up living with you, my prayers will continue, but be directed at her surrendering to Jesus in repentance and accept him as her Savior, she and your husband both if he isn’t a believer.

Trust in Him that whatever He directs in this situation will be for the
Romans 8:28 outcome.

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.
Romans 8:13

I pray that the Spirit will speak to your heart and bring you into Gods peace that whatever this comes to be that it will be used as an opportunity. Opportunity for His glory and that He may use it for everyone’s benefit
:scoregood excellent, godly, encouraging post.
 

cheeky200386

Well-Known Member
I’m praying for you for your situation Cheeky. Im letting my heart respond to your prayer request believing that this is a good route to go. The greatest advice you can get is from the Lord who know all things and has the answer for everything. I’m praying that in our prayers along with yours that the Holy Spirit may intercede for you that God in His Wisdom will give you the guidance you need to not only help you in acting accordingly to what is in the best interest of your whole family, but that your husband may be led to do the same as the one who has the responsibility of leading his household in a productive and thoughtful manner so that his decisions will bring only what is good for everyone concerned.

I don’t know if your husband is a believer or not, if he is then he knows what his role is and I pray he will pray for Gods guidance and follow Gods to fulfill that role, if he isn’t a believer I pray that the Lord may use him as he has used unbelievers in the past for His purpose and because you love God this would fall in line with how he would use your husband for your benefit as His child who loves Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

Prayers will continue in your behalf that the Lord will bring about the answers to our prayers according to His will and purpose and with an outcome that brings you peace and happiness.

If it turns out that your step daughter will end up living with you, my prayers will continue, but be directed at her surrendering to Jesus in repentance and accept him as her Savior, she and your husband both if he isn’t a believer.

Trust in Him that whatever He directs in this situation will be for the
Romans 8:28 outcome.

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.
Romans 8:13

I pray that the Spirit will speak to your heart and bring you into Gods peace that whatever this comes to be that it will be used as an opportunity. Opportunity for His glory and that He may use it for everyone’s benefit

With Love in Jesus

AMEN. Unfortunately neither of them are believers. That's why the fact that my husband has reached out to my Pastor for some advice is huge. My Pastor thinks Mike is close to accepting salvation based on individual conversations they've had in the past few months.

The other day we were talking about cute romantic ideas to celebrate Valentine's day together before the baby arrives. I said this as a way to be cute since we don't really care about Valentine's day all that much. Out of nowhere Mike says, "I'll go to church with you in the morning and then we can visit some sentimental locations before I grab us a nice dinner later." I was floored. It's usually me initiating he comes to a special service. I even told him that him coming with me to church would be the best gift over any fancy dinner because I love having his company and support. He just smiled.

God is truly answering all of our prayers. I feel extremely loved by all of you for caring enough for me and my family that you would dedicate any of your time to pray on our behalf. I can't wait to meet all of you in heaven and personally give you hugs of gratitude.
 
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Everlasting Life

Through Faith in Jesus
Cheeky, I'm proud of you! You've really done so well letting God guide and help you through some difficult situations that would have been easy to run away from.

But out of it your mom came to Christ, your husband is moving towards that direction and it sounds like maturing in some ways.

Hang tight and see what God will continue to do. :)

Will be praying.

:pray
 

FaithnHope

Loved and changed by Jesus.
You are going to be an amazing mom, cheeky! I will be praying for wisdom for all of you. Just a thought, she may not want to come once she finds out there will be rules. You might want to prepare your husband for that letdown just in case. It is possible she is looking to cash in on that guilt simply because you do have a beautiful baby about to arrive.

Sorry to be a downer, it’s just that I come from an incredibly dysfunctional family and this is exactly how it would and has played out. Trust the Lord but don’t allow you or your husband to be played. I will really be praying for you all! :hug
 

Lovin Jesus

Well-Known Member
AMEN. Unfortunately neither of them are believers. That's why the fact that my husband has reached out to my Pastor for some advice is huge. My Pastor thinks Mike is close to accepting salvation based on individual conversations they've had in the past few months.

The other day we were talking about cute romantic ideas to celebrate Valentine's day together before the baby arrives. I said this as a way to be cute since we don't really care about Valentine's day all that much. Out of nowhere Mike says, "I'll go to church with you in the morning and then we can visit some sentimental locations before I grab us a nice dinner later." I was floored. It's usually me initiating he comes to a special service. I even told him that him coming with me to church would be the best gift over any fancy dinner because I love having his company and support. He just smiled.

God is truly answering all of our prayers. I feel extremely loved by all of you for caring enough for me and my family that you would dedicate any of your time to pray on our behalf. I can't wait to meet all of you in heaven and personally give you hugs of gratitude.
Amen! God IS truly already answering your prayers and will continue to do so because He is Faithful. Oh I want so much for us to meet as we are being lifted to the air, can’t wait until we get to heaven! Hugs and love reserved for you.
 

cheeky200386

Well-Known Member
I mentioned talking to my Pastor. Mike began sharing how his goal is to make up for his failure as a Father in the past. When I brought up my concerns of her lying and history of manipulation, he didn't really have an answer on how he would address that. I told him his goal seems vague and wouldn't have an end in sight for living with us as well as my concern of no clear rules or consequences. I mentioned my desire to raise our son with good values and wanting to protect him too.

I mentioned other ways to support her outside of the home as a parent (intense family counseling, daily visits) to avoid the issues I forsee and it went down hill from there. I kept my cool but he got angry and raised his voice. He just can't accept any other way except her living with us and doesn't seem to see my concerns. It really seems that he thinks unless she's in our home, there is no other way he can influence her or be involved as a dad in her life.

I'll keep praying this won't drag on and take away anymore of our peace. He just said he won't talk about it anymore and will figure it out by himself. I just stayed quiet and I'm giving it to God. I'm hoping he doesn't try to surprise me, come August, with she left her mom's house and I want her to live with us again talk. Especially after ignoring anymore conversation about it till then.
 
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