mack_
Well-Known Member
What do get when you cross a jehovah witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door and has nothing to say.
Someone who knocks on your door and has nothing to say.
Somebody tell a joke, Please
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alisani
Well-Known Member
Man 1 I don't trust stairs.
Man 2 Why not?
Man 1 Because they are always up to something.
Sorry, my repertoire is mostly dad jokes.
Man 2 Why not?
Man 1 Because they are always up to something.
Sorry, my repertoire is mostly dad jokes.
Wally
Say something Righteous and Wholesome...
Sir Lancelot was engaged in mortal combat.
Riding mighty steeds, time after time he tried to reach the Black Knight in order to challenge him to a final duel.
Over and over his mounts failed from trenches, blades, and arrows of the enemy.
Finally he reached his foe and offered the challenge only to have his horse drop from exhaustion.
Frantically he search for another mount as the Black Knight paced back and forth waiting for combat.
At last Lancelot barged into a stable only to find a cowering old Irish Wolfhound in the shadows.
He shouted to the hands: "Saddle him up. He'll have to do."
But the stable master protested: "Sir, No one in their right mind would send a knight out on a dog like this!"
Riding mighty steeds, time after time he tried to reach the Black Knight in order to challenge him to a final duel.
Over and over his mounts failed from trenches, blades, and arrows of the enemy.
Finally he reached his foe and offered the challenge only to have his horse drop from exhaustion.
Frantically he search for another mount as the Black Knight paced back and forth waiting for combat.
At last Lancelot barged into a stable only to find a cowering old Irish Wolfhound in the shadows.
He shouted to the hands: "Saddle him up. He'll have to do."
But the stable master protested: "Sir, No one in their right mind would send a knight out on a dog like this!"
alisani
Well-Known Member
Question: How do you tell who the vegan is at a party?
Answer: You don't. They tell you.
Answer: You don't. They tell you.
Wally
Say something Righteous and Wholesome...
Just shout: Hummus and roasted tofu!
They will flock. BTDT
Eyes on the Prize
New Member
A man got shipwrecked and ended up on a desert island. They found him years later, alive and well and with three houses. His rescuers asked him, "What is that house for?"
"Oh, that's where I live," he said.
Pointing to the second house, they asked, "What's that house for?"
"That's my church", he said.
" Then what's the third house for?" they asked.
"That's my NEW church."
"Oh, that's where I live," he said.
Pointing to the second house, they asked, "What's that house for?"
"That's my church", he said.
" Then what's the third house for?" they asked.
"That's my NEW church."
are you ready
Well-Known Member
I hear they're going to create hundreds of new laws this year.
Until we learn to follow the "10" God gave us,nothing will ever change.
Until we learn to follow the "10" God gave us,nothing will ever change.
ItIsFinished!
Blood bought child of the King of kings.
A pastor received a letter from a congregant.
When he removed the letter from the envelope,
it had one word written on it - "Fool"!
"Well", said the pastor, "the sender signed the letter , but didn't write anything else"!
When he removed the letter from the envelope,
it had one word written on it - "Fool"!
"Well", said the pastor, "the sender signed the letter , but didn't write anything else"!
pixelpusher
Well-Known Member
Zoom calls are just modern day séances:
"We have someone who would like to join us."
"Elizabeth, are you there?"
"Can you hear us? We can't hear you."
"We have someone who would like to join us."
"Elizabeth, are you there?"
"Can you hear us? We can't hear you."
Carl
Well-Known Member
This is the best administration that the United States has ever had.
Ghoti Ichthus
Pray so they do not serve alone. Ephesians 6:10-20
What did Daniel tell the real estate agent?
I'd rather a house with no den.
I'd rather a house with no den.
Ghoti Ichthus
Pray so they do not serve alone. Ephesians 6:10-20
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
Wally
Say something Righteous and Wholesome...
3 guys were waiting at the Pearly Gates.
The first one turned with a smile to the others, This is my reward for giving my life to be a missionary to savages.
The second one smiled and said, I spent 30 years witnessing in a soviet gulag. Praise the Lord!
The third one shrugged and said, Last thing I remember is my wife asking if the striped dress made her look fat...
The first one turned with a smile to the others, This is my reward for giving my life to be a missionary to savages.
The second one smiled and said, I spent 30 years witnessing in a soviet gulag. Praise the Lord!
The third one shrugged and said, Last thing I remember is my wife asking if the striped dress made her look fat...
RedRx
Well-Known Member
I heard this joke as part of a sermon on the radio not too long ago I believe. Let’s see if I can get it right.
There was an elderly man who was a Christian who was in poor health. He knew he was going to die soon.
He was a wealthy man and prayed to God that he had been a loyal servant all his life and asked if he could take his wealth with him to heaven. God responded that this was a typical request but normally taking material wealth from this life wasn’t allowed. The man begged God to reconsider and God agreed to allow him to bring one suitcase full of whatever he wanted among his riches as long as it could fit in that one suitcase.
Satisfied the man stuffed a suitcase full as part of his final preparations. Sure enough soon after this man died and found himself walking up to the pearly gates dragging his stuffed suitcase with both hands because it was so heavy.
St. Peter greeted him at the gate to heaven saying “Welcome to heaven…hey what’s that?” He was pointing at the suitcase. The man explained that God told him he could bring whatever he wanted as long as it fit in this one suitcase.
St. Peter explained he had to go clear it with God and upon returning he said “Ok, God said he told you that you could bring it in but I do have to inspect what’s inside. I’m sure you understand.”
St. Peter opened up the suitcase and saw several gold bars. He looked up at the man with a confused look and said “God told you that you could bring anything you wanted to heaven and you brought a bunch of pavement?”
There was an elderly man who was a Christian who was in poor health. He knew he was going to die soon.
He was a wealthy man and prayed to God that he had been a loyal servant all his life and asked if he could take his wealth with him to heaven. God responded that this was a typical request but normally taking material wealth from this life wasn’t allowed. The man begged God to reconsider and God agreed to allow him to bring one suitcase full of whatever he wanted among his riches as long as it could fit in that one suitcase.
Satisfied the man stuffed a suitcase full as part of his final preparations. Sure enough soon after this man died and found himself walking up to the pearly gates dragging his stuffed suitcase with both hands because it was so heavy.
St. Peter greeted him at the gate to heaven saying “Welcome to heaven…hey what’s that?” He was pointing at the suitcase. The man explained that God told him he could bring whatever he wanted as long as it fit in this one suitcase.
St. Peter explained he had to go clear it with God and upon returning he said “Ok, God said he told you that you could bring it in but I do have to inspect what’s inside. I’m sure you understand.”
St. Peter opened up the suitcase and saw several gold bars. He looked up at the man with a confused look and said “God told you that you could bring anything you wanted to heaven and you brought a bunch of pavement?”
Police officer mirandizing a perp... " anything you say can be used against you..."
Perp, "I know, I'm married".
Perp, "I know, I'm married".
Ghoti Ichthus
Pray so they do not serve alone. Ephesians 6:10-20
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the 10 Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Ghoti Ichthus
Pray so they do not serve alone. Ephesians 6:10-20
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
HisGloryIsPrecious
Well-Known Member
A pastor and a cab driver are standing at the pearly gates. St Peter says, “Bless you! Welcome to the Kingdom of God. You are both believers! Tell me what were your occupations?” The Pastor said “I preached the Gospel” “Excellent!” Said Peter. He turned to the cab driver and said “and what did you do?” “I drove a taxi ” said the driver. “Okay” said Peter, “To honor you, you will both get lovely new homes” They are both escorted in. The pastor said, “I must have a huge Mansion because I preached the Gospel” To his surprise he only saw a modest two bedroom home you might find in the suburbs. The cab driver got a huge 10 room mansion with a beautiful garden and it’s own lake. The Pastor was perplexed. He went to the Lord and said “I don’t understand, I preached the Gospel and I get a modest home while some cab driver gets a huge mansion.” The Lord said, “yes, this guy not only saved lives by driving drunks home, some of them repeated the next day after a bad hangover. You on the other hand, gave sermons that put people to sleep”
Why are there pop tarts but no mom tarts? Because of the pastryarchy.
Ghoti Ichthus
Pray so they do not serve alone. Ephesians 6:10-20
The Atheist in the Woods
An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself, "How beautiful the animals are! How majestic the trees are! How powerful the rivers are!"
As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an eight-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"
The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the bear a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
