Somebody tell a joke, Please

[JoyJoyJoy]

I need a laugh. Whatcha got?

What do you get when a bird flies into a fan?
Shredded Tweet.

That's my only family friendly joke. I know 2 more but they are ugly.

 

[JSTyler]

Biden and Harris get trapped on an uncharted island.

Who survives?







America.

 

[Wally]

Kid1 My dad's a magician. He can turn a carton of milk into a bottle of soda.

Kid2 That's nuthin. My dad can walk down this street and turn into a hardware store.

 

[Tall Timbers]

Why did the bird get in trouble at school? For tweeting on a test!

 

[Wally]

Knock Knock.

You need to run higher octane.

 

[seated with Christ]

I never could remember jokes.

 

[JSTyler]

I never could remember jokes.

Unfortunately as a young'n I ran with a bad, really-really bad crowd. I only wish I could forget the jokes from those days.

Now, it's all dad jokes for me all the time...I love 'em.

Examples;

What does a bee use to comb its hair?
A honeycomb


My car drives just fine but the muffler is exhausted.


What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear. <--- I just had a root canal so I really relate to this one.

 

[HisGloryIsPrecious]

I thought my joke was a little off color, so I adjusted the tint on my TV and continued to watch the view.

 

[JoyJoyJoy]

Unfortunately as a young'n I ran with a bad, really-really bad crowd. I only wish I could forget the jokes from those days.

I only know 2 off color jokes...they stick in my head like glue. They aren't nasty, just not appropriate.

The fact is...I love *Yo Mama* jokes. I don't know why they tickle my funny bone so.

My family enjoys picking at each other...all in fun..not mean. I love being the *butt* of a joke. Fortunately my grandkids all have a sense of humor.

I have RA, I think you do too???

Sometimes my grandson, like his mama before him, will mock the way I walk....while 'talking' like me...Sonny Boy, if I ever catch you, I will wear you out with my hickory stick....etc..
It tickles me. Those kids always lift my spirits.

 

[JSTyler]

I only know 2 off color jokes...they stick in my head like glue. They aren't nasty, just not appropriate.

The fact is...I love *Yo Mama* jokes. I don't know why they tickle my funny bone so.

My family enjoys picking at each other...all in fun..not mean. I love being the *butt* of a joke. Fortunately my grandkids all have a sense of humor.

I have RA, I think you do too???

Sometimes my grandson, like his mama before him, will mock the way I walk....while 'talking' like me...Sonny Boy, if I ever catch you, I will wear you out with my hickory stick....etc..
It tickles me. Those kids always lift my spirits.

My mamma was so fat she jumped into the air and got stuck.

My mamma was so fat she sat on a quarter and squished a booger from George Washington's nose.

My mamma was so fat 'cuz at restaurants when the waiter came to take our order she would hand over the menu and say, "Yes." .

***My instead of Your for safeties sake***

 

[JoyJoyJoy]

Yo mama so fat, her thighs live in different area codes.

Yo mama so fat, I had to drive by twice to see all of her.

Yo mama so poor, when I kicked the ice cube out of the room, she said Who turned off the air conditioner?

 

[Wally]

Jakey [Chay key] and Amos were two proverbial dutchmen. Sometimes they just didn't get it, especially Jakey.

One day Amos went over to Jakey's farm to find him madly spreading Cheerios on his fields.

......Jakey! Vas on earth are you doing throwing cereal all uber die place?

Cereal?!!?

......Ya, vut kids eat in der morgan!

Acht-du-bliba-mal!! I thought dey vus donut seeds!

 

[Wally]

Needless to say Jakey and Amos did not do too well at farming.

They goy a winter job working for PennDot.

Amos was leading the crew that day, when Jakey ran up all in a tither.

Amos! Amos! Vat ve gonna du? Vat ve gonna du?

...... Acht hold yer horses! Kalm down! Vas is los?

Vy Amos, Ve aint got no shovels! Vat ve gonna du?

...... Ach Jakey, chust tell the men to lean on each utter.

 

[Wally]

Jakey and Amos got another job moving pianos.

It was hard work, but when they got to a 3 story row home, it got a bit fehudeled.

The piano was on the 3rd floor and had been emplaced through a huge window. Removing the window was easy enough.

Now it was down to block and tackle.

......OK Jakey. You stand here on the street and hold the rope gute. I'll go upstairs and ease the piano awt the vindow. Keep it there and I'll be daun to help lower it.

OK Amos. I have the rope gute.

Amos worked the piano out, but instead of a block and tackle, they used a simple pulley. Needless to say the piano went down and Jakey went up... fast.

Amos watched Jakey fly past the opening and up into the sky. Just as quick, he tumbled down to land flat on the now destroyed piano.

Amos rand down and looked at his friend.

......Jakey! Jakey! Speak to me!

Jakey moaned, then croaked, Vy should I? I dun passed yous twice, ant yous didn't even say Hello.........

 

[JoyJoyJoy]

Those are veddy veedy goot, Vally.

 

[Leigh]

I never could remember jokes.

Me either. IF I get to the punch line, I usually can’t remember exactly how it goes!

Dad jokes are the best though!! If I manage to tell one, I call it a mom joke.

 

[Wally]

Jakey and Amos continued to do odd jobs until they finally found their place in one of PA's knitting mills.

They did ok until business went overseas, and like many, they found themselves unemployed. Soon Jakey was told about the unemployment office.

Amos! Amos! Yous not gonna belief dis. Dey got an office ver dey gift you money for doin nichts!

Amos didn't believe it and soon they were at the UC job center.

Vat youd dink Amos?
......Vell, I'll go chek em auwt, and ve'll see vas ist once.

Amos waited and finally interviewed with the agent.
..... So, I gehst money for doin nuthin?

Yes its kinda like that, until you can find a new job.

.....So vas do I gehst?

What did you do?

.....I worked in the factory sewing the fancy laces on der ladies undies.

Ok. The agent checked the list. Textile worker, you should get around $250 a week. [ yea this is an old joke - work with me]

.....$250.00 a veek ver doin nuthin! Dat's vunnerful gute!
Amos finished his paperwork and ran outside.
..... Jakey! Ist True! Dey givst me $250 a veek ver doin nuthin!

Ach! Ist ver Mir! And Jakey ran inside.
Soon he had progressed trough the process when the agent ask his vocation.

Vell, I wust a Diesel Fitter.
The agent checked. Ok,....... Diesel mechanic.... that's $500 a week.

Jakey almost jumped out of the building. After finishing with the agent, Jakey ran to Amos.

AMOS! Dey Gift me $500 for doing nuthin!!!!!!

Amos stopped him in mid jump. VAS IST LOS!!?! Yous stand 2 feet away from mir. Andt yous get tvice a much????
Dis ist gebrocht.
Amos stormed in with Jakey in tow. Vas ist dis! Jakey stands 2 feet from me ant gebst tvice as much???

The agent remained cool. Sorry sir but his job pays more.
....Vas Job??

He's a diesel mechanic.

.....A vat?

The agent pulled the form out.... Right here: Diesel Fitter.

...... Nah! Das is nichts!!! Amos continued, Remember I sew the fancy laces on the ladies undies.

Yes?

.... Den Jakey here, checks em auwt and says: Ja, Dies 'ill fit her.

 

[Wally]

Spell checker almost gebrochted on that one.

Maybe der ist a Dutchifier app?

 

[JoyJoyJoy]

It took me a second to get the last one!!
Diesel fitter, indeed!!

 

[Wally]

A pastor walks into a tavern and gets a ginger ale.

While he was sipping, a voice carries over the din:

....Nice tie.

Looking around and finding no one, he shrugged it off.

....and that suit, that's quality material and great tailoring.

This time he noticed the voice was right in front of him. He watched carefully.

....That shirt color really sets it off.

The pastor realized the voice was coming from a dish of pecans and almonds. Did you say something?

....Of course!

How can that be? What are you?

....Why, we're the complementary nuts.