Solution or Emotional Compassion

Discussion in 'Word Games, Polls, Music, & Poetry' started by Goodboy, Dec 20, 2018.

Would you prefer a solution or emotional compassion when something bad happens to you?

  1. Solution

    2 vote(s)
  2. Emotional Compassion

    0 vote(s)
  3. Some of both, but mostly a solution

    7 vote(s)
  4. Some of both, but mostly compassion

    1 vote(s)
  1. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    If something bad happens to you like loosing your job, would you prefer that someone gives you a solution or that they show you emotional compassion?

    I am a man and all I want is a solution. For me, emotional compassion just makes me sadder.
  2. GoldenEagle

    GoldenEagle Well-Known Member

    As a female, definitely not false sympathy...but true compassion, insight and understanding for me is worth its weight in gold and a rare gift to be given I find. A solution would be great too but there isn’t always one.
  3. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Why is no one answering this post? :gaah

    Inquiring minds want to know
    . :feedback
  4. Kem

    Kem Citizen

    For me, it would completely depend on the situation. I usually want a practical solution but if it is something I already figured out and will do properly in the future, I don't need someone to point out how foolish I was and what a idiot I must be. On the other hand, if I fell and fractured something a little compassion would be wanted.
  5. chaser

    chaser Well-Known Member

    I would say depends on what the issue is causing distress. Job loss, I want solution, a job, maybe it is not as good as what I lost but God can move you up. On the other hand say spouse is gravely ill, then compassion would rule.
  6. Luke12

    Luke12 Well-Known Member

    It depends on the problem of course but I prefer a solution...…...compassion does nothing to solve the problem......guess I'm a problem solver at heart
  7. GoldenEagle

    GoldenEagle Well-Known Member

    Looks like I’m the only one currently who most esteems compassion - and I’m really surprised by this because I have a tendency to think everyone else thinks and sees like the right way :D

    Or maybe I haven’t read the question literally in I’m thinking in terms of general life circumstances rather than a one off difficulty?

    I am very blessed in many ways in my life, but I also live within what feels like a multitude of prisons made of invisible bars. Daily life is very difficult often accompanied by pain and struggle...I could write a book on it all!! I know God knows and sees it all from every possible angle, but people generally speaking don’t and can’t. So when someone comes along who ‘gets and sees’ an aspect of it, though there are no solutions or instant fixes - in that moment there is relief, something in me relaxes a little and doesn’t feel so alone, and there is strength and warmth to keep going.
  8. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    I can surely understand how someone who kind of lives life in their emotions would love to receive compassion from someone. I tend to steer away from emotions for the most part and just live life by logic. So when someone shows me compassion it tends to bring out my emotions which I don't want.

    As an example, when I was young and took a bad fall off of my bike, I was shook up but OK. Well my friends mother saw what happened and came over to console me. Well that caused me to start crying, even though I was not hurt that bad.

    I was very surprised to hear from my daughter this Christmas that she also thinks this way. I don't think either way is right or wrong, but it's interesting how people think differently.
  9. HeIsRisen

    HeIsRisen Well-Known Member

    I selected the compassion with a solution box, and see it's most popular, so my guess is there are a lot of women answering this poll (moreso than men). That said, we do have men who would choose that answer, too......and that's a great relief....God didn't make any mistakes!!!!
    My husband would answer solution only, too....he's a brawny mans man.....and early in our marriage I didn't understand his LACK of sentiment and so forth (I saw it as lacking), but after years of loving him like he is, I understand that's just how he was made......and it is opposite from how I am made.......I am a mushy girl.......
    I am wondering if this post wasn't started because of a husband and wife thing......dying to know.......because it seems like conflict has arisen between the sexes here and if I'm wrong, forgive me....but the OP Poll just suggests it could be....and I can just see it playing out between a male and female.
  10. madcat

    madcat Well-Known Member

    Whether acquired or genetic, there really is a demonstrable difference in the brains of males/females on EEG, MRI, etc., when presented with various situations in a controlled study. Certain parts of the brain responsible for emotions just "light up" in far more women than men.
    Not to say all follow this pattern, but you often hear the term "girly man" which are "fighting words" to most men. Maybe it's a "God thing" since He designed the man to be the "head" and that head has to think logically about situations and decisions. Maybe that doesn't leave room for lots of "compassion".
    So when we (women) have tragedies, we just cry alone or with our friends. I grew up in a family like that, so nothing new for me. I hate to say it, but I got FAR more compassion from the prayer warriors on this site when my brother recently died, than I did in my own home. I literally had people praying with me the whole way on my trip to his house that horrible morning, and I needed that support.

  11. pixelpusher

    pixelpusher Well-Known Member

    For me, I like everything to continue along on an even keel, so I value solutions to problems and I ticked that box. But compassion is certainly not unimportant, everything should come from love, and a solution can be compassionate. I guess it depends what the issue is. I don't like to be in an "emotional state" too much, but ain't skeered to experience emotions if that is on the plate. Prefer happy emotions, cause there is just so much sadness around these days. But I do try not to navigate based on emotion only.

    Thinking back to when my DW was in such pain this past Sept. with her "sciatica" issue. I had compassion, and showed it by logically hauling our butts to the ED on my birthday (her getting help, and that Tordal (sp? a strong NSAID) IV with the relief it brought was the best BD gift ever), and getting her on the road to pain relief and recovery, sitting up with her in the hospital room, being there when she woke up from her short naps, help her up to the BR, and fetching breakfast up etc. And yeah, I had emotions in buckets, and I shared them with our Father, and some of it was not very nice from my end. Still trying to figure that out, but thankfully, He remembers that we are dust, and is the Master of Compassion Himself. And praise His Holy Name that she is largely out of pain now, despite my fretting and lack of faith while in the fire.
    madcat, Everlasting Life and Goodboy like this.
  12. Everlasting Life

    Everlasting Life Through Faith in Jesus

    Goodboy, thank you for starting this thread! It gives me more insight and understanding in how men and women are wonderfully different. I've always saw this as an asset and teamwork type of thing.

    I grew up with strong male influences as a female. My mom didn't speak of her emotions at all either. She was more masculine in her approach (she grew up with only her father). While I do have compassion, I do tend to veer to the problem solving/solution part pretty quickly. In the past when talking with females I've had to cognitively remember....compassion first (usually just listen and repeat back what I'm hearing in terms of frustration, sadness, etc.), then they are ready to problem solve....generally speaking. I remember as a younger teenager admonishing another girl to stop talking about her problem and go do something about it. That didn't go over so well. I do much better and I think that it's more natural for me now to show compassion. Strangely, I've needed to give myself permission to feel emotions, process and then move on. I've recognized that is a female component I can't help and I've needed remember not to rush to problem solving until I've sifted through emotions.....that tend to emerge awhile later, whether I want them to or not. For instance, a friend of mine passed away. A few days after learning this I was feeling emotional but couldn't figure out why. Then I remembered, "oh yeah, my friend died....hey, that's kind of sad." Then I allowed myself to grieve.

    Interestingly my husband and son can be more feelings oriented than most men. Husband grew up in a more female oriented background, and at school hung out with the girls, same with son. They are most certainly masculine but they do like to talk about their feelings more than most guys. I remember son coming home from middle school upset about some mean kids and I went into problem solving mode. He exasperatedly said, "Mom, I just want you to tell me that they are jerks!!" That took me by surprise, but I switched gears and said, "You're right, they are jerks and that was a pretty mean thing to do." THEN, he started to share the second and third layer of his frustrations and feelings. It was like opening a door to his heart. He got everything out that in a sense was blocking the problem solving. Before I knew it, he was in problem solving mode.

    They are both very strong in language and writing and I think this coupled with environments has lent to being a bit more connected with feelings. However, the more painful things bring out a more masculine response. With son, I've realized that sometimes the more he talks about a problem the worse he feels. So, when he wants to clam up I'm very respectful of this, but when he wants to talk I shut up and listen!! It's been a bit of a puzzle as to how I can be supportive sometimes with the more painful stuff and one thing I've learned is wait till he's ready, to be very cognitive in affirming him and limited in any emotional responses (I welcome any other insight on this). With husband I've seen him clam up and simply take decisive action which has always been good for our family. I have also very much appreciated his perspective on things.

    What I've observed is that both men and women have compassion but respond differently to compassion (generally speaking). Women respond by hashing emotions out first, talking it out, men respond by taking action or working to solve the problem. So it's helpful for women to recognize that actions/problem solving is generally a man's way of showing compassion and men to recognize that a woman trying to talk about things is a women's way of showing compassion, generally speaking. Of course that's just been my own experience and environment, so things may be a bit different in another person's environment.
    Goodboy likes this.
  13. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Everlasting Life you have made some excellent points and I totally agree with what you have stated! I have tried to give my wife what I would want when discussing a problem, which is a solution. This has turned out very badly as she says I am not supportive. So I get that and hopefully will no longer start with a solution. I just wish that my wife would understand that I truly was trying to be supportive, but did not understand what she was looking for and gave her what I would want.

    A great point you made that I never heard of or thought of myself is the different order for responding to emotions for most men and women. For most issues I don't ever want or need emotional support. That said, I do have emotions and sometimes would like emotional support, but that would be after a solution. So it helps me to understand that most women want emotional support first and then a solution. We are both after the same thing, just in a different order. Also, for me problems cause anxiety which is the thing that bothers me most. I want to get rid of that as soon as possible, thus wanting the solution first.

    Don't know if the things you have stated helps anyone else, but it does help me! :thumbup
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
    Lynn and Everlasting Life like this.
  14. Everlasting Life

    Everlasting Life Through Faith in Jesus

    You are not alone in this and must be taken aback at this. :nod I recently heard of a situation where a person was pretty frustrated at a problem and needed to get it out. Another person was asking them how can the problem be solved and in a classic response the upset person said, "I feel like you are attacking me!" To which the problem solver was completely dumbfounded.:eek:

    The poor problem solver was trying to be supportive, but it was taken as being attacked by the upset person. The upset person needed shown compassion before getting to the problem solving.

    I believe that will simply come with time as you are adjusting your responses and your wife begins to see/feel supported. It just takes time to learn and 'speak' her support 'language'. It's like learning computer code. :lol
    Lynn and Goodboy like this.
  15. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    This is exactly what happened to me, exactly!!! Were you peeking into my house? :nono LOL! :)
    Lynn and Everlasting Life like this.

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