Not sure where to put this. I just really need some place to get this off my chest. This year has been a difficult one for our family and has taken a big toll on me mentally. I've always struggled with depression and other mental disorders. Last night at a bible study I mentioned I was going to go on anti-depressants to help me cope. I've struggled for 20 years and attempted suicide about 3 times out of those 20 years. I've went to counseling and I've learned how to not allow myself to sink that deep. I only went to counseling after I almost succeeded. But, I've learned little things to get me through the day. When I feel that low, I make it a point to get one goal done every day. And at the end of the day I consider it a victory. But the feelings never go away. Even when it's a good day, it's always there. But now that my hormones are more out of control because of a health issue, it's more intense. It's more frequent and constant. Before it was only here or there. When I mentioned the anti-depressants I got a whole lot of Jesus thrown at me. Like my relationship with God is the problem. But my relationship with God is what sustains me. I realize the two women in bible study are genuinely trying to help me. But, when they are telling me that I'm letting Satan win and that I need to do this or that... That I need to change my feelings, get on vitamins see a chiropractor... what ever... it honestly makes me feel worse. Not because their suggestions are wrong... but because it makes me feel like all the effort I do put into keeping my head above water is useless. Because honestly... I don't believe anything I do will ever "fix" it. And Jesus, the Word, praise/worship is really the only thing that has kept me here. It does make a major impact on my depression. I read everyday, pray multiple times a day and study. I honestly give God a lot of what I've been struggling with. Not saying I'm perfect and doing it all right. But to say that I'm letting Satan win? Doesn't that make it seem like I'm being told to carry all this on my own strength? It feels that way. I thank God every day that he gets me through. I just really needed to get that out. Hopefully I don't regret this post. I know these women love me and are only trying to pull me up. That's why I don't want to say anything to them. But unless you've been there. Unless you know what that hole is like... I don't think they can get it. Sometimes people just need someone's presence. Sometimes it's better just to be supportive.