New member struggling

Diana092086

Well-Known Member
Hello, all. I struggle to believe and am looking for hope and encouragement. Maybe someday I'll be and know that I'm a born again believer...

Wondering if I'm alone in this...it's wonderful how some people can read the Bible or pray then believe and find Jesus and comfort. That's not me though. I've tried all i can think of to believe and find Jesus but i get nothing. I know so much about God, the Bible, the Christian life in my head but not in my heart. Now i know how horrible of a person i am but can't believe. I'm introverted, introspective, reserved, don't love being around people, and tons of other awful traits. I've been afraid of hell and have learned so much about the Christian life - i thought i wanted to go to heaven but maybe i don't with my personality. I wish i was different. I wish i loved God and others. I don't think i could write enough to get anyone to understand my situation. I'm not really looking for a bible verse, or the Gospel - I've heard just about everything and still struggle to believe. I know God chooses some to save but not all. I'm so certain i don't have and never had the Holy Spirit but rather a spirit of fear and confusion. I think I'm a goat and not a sheep. God says to come to Him with childlike faith. I don't have childlike faith - I'm always questioning, hesitant, not trusting Him. Everyone says to look to Jesus but I'm afraid the more i look at Him, the more bitter and irritated I'll get since I'm so rotten and only believe lies. I can't do this on my own- i know i need the Holy Spirit. I know He points us to Jesus and makes Him beautiful to us. Only people have pointed me to Jesus and i never saw the beauty of Jesus. I just don't get it. I know so much about God, life, how i should be and I'm constantly monitoring and evaluating not only every little thing i think, say, do but also what others are saying and doing. I'm in a living nightmare hell. I can't escape my mind, myself. This just consumes me and every day gets worse. I've been OCD, anxious, depressed. I overthink and overanalyze to the extreme.

Wondering if anyone is or has been or knows someone who is or has been in a similar situation as me - knowing God is there and there's heaven and hell but you can't believe. And you realize how awful of a person you are and that you're going to hell. What does one do? Thoughts of killing myself come but then I'm scared to do that. But it's awful to live as a horrible person going to hell. I'm talking to a counselor and psychiatrist and am taking meds. I've already talked to tons of people all about God and i just can't believe. I wish i had that relationship with Jesus. But you can't force it - you can't make yourself believe. I've tried - it's fake, phony. I want the real thing. I'm at a point now - do i keep trying to force something that's maybe not meant to be or do i give up and try to enjoy the little bit of life i have here? It's so difficult and agonizing. It's also so exhausting trying to be something you're not - i feel like I'm going crazy and I'm worse now than before i learned so much about God. I think I've blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I'm so far gone, deep in the lies that there's no hope for me. I'm so aware of all my sins that i feel defeated and can't fight. That I'm swamped in lies and any truth i try to tell myself will be twisted into more lies. I am so messed up.

Just wondering if I'm all alone in this because i sure feel like it. I'm sure there are others like me who can't believe but maybe haven't gone to the extent i have of learning all about God. I could go on and on about the mess i got myself in with all this...i just wish i knew nothing
 

mattfivefour

Administrator
Staff member
Wondering if anyone is or has been or knows someone who is or has been in a similar situation as me - knowing God is there and there's heaven and hell but you can't believe.
Yes, I know someone like that. Or at least, I know someone who WAS like that. My wife. She was OCD, over-analysed everything, picked it all apart, and could never believe. She feared God and Hell just like you, but could never believe she was saved. She learned all about God and salvation like you but felt just like you. And she was like this since the 1990's right up until even after we were married, just 5 years ago. I'm a minister, but I had great difficulty in helping her as I just could not understand what made her tick. But guess what? God stepped in and today she is a maturing believer in Jesus Christ who absolutely KNOWS she is saved. She is willing to speak with you if you would like. I read her your post above and she said, "I know her because I was her." Her name is Andrea. If you would like to speak with her, please let me know in a reply to this post.
 

bap

Well-Known Member
Hello, all. I struggle to believe and am looking for hope and encouragement. Maybe someday I'll be and know that I'm a born again believer...

Wondering if I'm alone in this...it's wonderful how some people can read the Bible or pray then believe and find Jesus and comfort. That's not me though. I've tried all i can think of to believe and find Jesus but i get nothing. I know so much about God, the Bible, the Christian life in my head but not in my heart. Now i know how horrible of a person i am but can't believe. I'm introverted, introspective, reserved, don't love being around people, and tons of other awful traits. I've been afraid of hell and have learned so much about the Christian life - i thought i wanted to go to heaven but maybe i don't with my personality. I wish i was different. I wish i loved God and others. I don't think i could write enough to get anyone to understand my situation. I'm not really looking for a bible verse, or the Gospel - I've heard just about everything and still struggle to believe. I know God chooses some to save but not all. I'm so certain i don't have and never had the Holy Spirit but rather a spirit of fear and confusion. I think I'm a goat and not a sheep. God says to come to Him with childlike faith. I don't have childlike faith - I'm always questioning, hesitant, not trusting Him. Everyone says to look to Jesus but I'm afraid the more i look at Him, the more bitter and irritated I'll get since I'm so rotten and only believe lies. I can't do this on my own- i know i need the Holy Spirit. I know He points us to Jesus and makes Him beautiful to us. Only people have pointed me to Jesus and i never saw the beauty of Jesus. I just don't get it. I know so much about God, life, how i should be and I'm constantly monitoring and evaluating not only every little thing i think, say, do but also what others are saying and doing. I'm in a living nightmare hell. I can't escape my mind, myself. This just consumes me and every day gets worse. I've been OCD, anxious, depressed. I overthink and overanalyze to the extreme.

Wondering if anyone is or has been or knows someone who is or has been in a similar situation as me - knowing God is there and there's heaven and hell but you can't believe. And you realize how awful of a person you are and that you're going to hell. What does one do? Thoughts of killing myself come but then I'm scared to do that. But it's awful to live as a horrible person going to hell. I'm talking to a counselor and psychiatrist and am taking meds. I've already talked to tons of people all about God and i just can't believe. I wish i had that relationship with Jesus. But you can't force it - you can't make yourself believe. I've tried - it's fake, phony. I want the real thing. I'm at a point now - do i keep trying to force something that's maybe not meant to be or do i give up and try to enjoy the little bit of life i have here? It's so difficult and agonizing. It's also so exhausting trying to be something you're not - i feel like I'm going crazy and I'm worse now than before i learned so much about God. I think I've blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I'm so far gone, deep in the lies that there's no hope for me. I'm so aware of all my sins that i feel defeated and can't fight. That I'm swamped in lies and any truth i try to tell myself will be twisted into more lies. I am so messed up.

Just wondering if I'm all alone in this because i sure feel like it. I'm sure there are others like me who can't believe but maybe haven't gone to the extent i have of learning all about God. I could go on and on about the mess i got myself in with all this...i just wish i knew nothing
Dear Diana,

I, too, felt a LOT of what you expressed a few years ago so you are not the only one.

PLEASE, JESUS,
Clear up the confusion satan has brought
and
help Diana to understand
YOUR LOVE & TRUTH
&
to focus on
WHAT YOU DID ON THE CROSS
AND NOTHING ELSE.
 

Diana092086

Well-Known Member
Yes, I know someone like that. Or at least, I know someone who WAS like that. My wife. She was OCD, over-analysed everything, picked it all apart, and could never believe. She feared God and Hell just like you, but could never believe she was saved. She learned all about God and salvation like you but felt just like you. And she was like this since the 1990's right up until even after we were married, just 5 years ago. I'm a minister, but I had great difficulty in helping her as I just could not understand what made her tick. But guess what? God stepped in and today she is a maturing believer in Jesus Christ who absolutely KNOWS she is saved. She is willing to speak with you if you would like. I read her your post above and she said, "I know her because I was her." Her name is Andrea. If you would like to speak with her, please let me know in a reply to this post.
Oh, thank you so much! That's hopeful and encouraging. Yes, that would be great to speak with Andrea! I'm sure she has some really good advice and guidance!
 

bap

Well-Known Member
Oh, thank you so much! That's hopeful and encouraging. Yes, that would be great to speak with Andrea! I'm sure she has some really good advice and guidance!
Diana....

The struggle you are dealing with causes you sooo much turmoil inflicted by the enemy and is robbing you of PEACE & JOY that we can have because of what
JESUS DID on THE CROSS!!!

PRAYING that THE
(Our) LORD
CAN SPEAK
to You
through
Our DEAR Andrea.

JESUS,
PLEASE HELP Diana
to see
YOUR TRUTH.....
&
NOTHING
ELSE!!!
 

Sweetnsalty

Well-Known Member
Diana,

It seems you are convicted of your sin and that you need the Savior Jesus Christ, and that you believe in God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (otherwise you wouldn't be fearful). However, you did write that God chooses to save some but not all which makes me sad because God desires all who will come to Him to be saved. Also, do you think you have difficulty feeling love for God because you have not experienced love from others?

I believe your OCD is behind the inner turmoil you've expressed and hope you will speak with mattfivefour's wife Andrea.

I would go to my knees, pray to the Father the feelings you've expressed in this post, confessing your sins and ask forgiveness in the name of Jesus. Then I would read scripture starting tonight or tomorrow and go forward TRUSTING HIS WORD - regardless how you FEEL!! You will stumble, as we all do, but KNOW you are forgiven!

I will be praying for you... :hug
 
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