Need advice on my marriage

[Channah]

Checking in. How are you two doing?

 

[biblegirl]

Hello Cryo. I hope things are improving for you and your wife. It does sound like she may have some serious emotional issues and her risky behavior is a clue that she does seem to want to be 'caught' in her behavior. I know this must hurt you very much. I would like to recommend a book for you to read- 'Love Must Be Tough' by James Dobson. I am not a counselor, but for some reason several people have come to me over the years for advice about marital issues. I always recommend Dobson's book because it deals with these kind of issues in a biblical, practical way. He actually lays out a clear strategy with how to deal with an unfaithful spouse. He will tell you that there is not a guaranteed outcome when dealing with infidelity, but if you handle it the right way, your odds of having a successful marriage improve. I hope you get a copy and see what he has to say. In the meantime, I will pray for you and your wife as you try to resolve your problems.

 

[Jojo4124]

Hi, Ladies,

I am a man, and I hope it is okay to join your space here, but I really feel like I need women’s advice due to the circumstances. If you were on the old Rapture Ready forums, you might remember the first part of my story from there. Sorry for the lengthy post, but a lot is happening.

Long story short, my wife of almost 20 years is struggling with being faithful to me. What started as a 6-month physical and emotional affair with a co-worker 6 years ago (but no sex with him she adamantly claims-“only” kissing and sexting) has now shifted to cyber infidelity, with her in July of this year posting a graphic photo of herself to an inappropriate chat group on the Kik app which I found on her phone, and just last weekend posting even more graphic photos of herself to a chat thread, again on the Kik app I made her delete in July after I almost ended our marriage over it.

In one of the new photos, so much of her face is showing she is easily recognizable, and she shot it in her office! She even used her own first name as her screen name! She is lucky she did not lose her job, and she just got a big promotion this year! I am scared about the escalation of her risky behavior. Then, she started sexting with 3 different men last weekend after they contacted her after they enjoyed her photos, and she sent one a graphic video of herself, told a second one what a horrible husband I am and that we never have sex (which is a complete lie), and the third one she was sexting while literally lying right next to me in bed! She even joked about it with the guy and told him she did not care! Thankfully, God told me to check her phone about an hour after she posted all this, I saw everything, and she deleted her Kik account and deleted the Kik app (again), so all traces of the photo, video, and chats are gone. I guarantee several men saved those photos of her before that though. Nothing I can do about that.

Now, she is a drop dead gorgeous woman, and looks very young for her age, so it is very easy for her to get men’s attention. She knows she has that effect on men. I have always felt uneasy because of it, even before her first affair. That is what she told me this week she wants: attention. She sadly feels like I do not give her enough, even though I really try to, and she feels I am pushing her away, which I will take ownership of, as I sometimes take out my anxiety and fears on her too easily. It has been a very stressful past year+ with the pandemic and our crazy busy lives with us both working full-time and our kids’ activities literally consuming most of our free time each week.

I caught her easily both times by looking at her phone, as she freely gives me her passcode. It is as if she does not care I catch her, does not care about my feelings, and does not have any self-respect anymore. I am obviously devastated, and after telling her we were done, and talking/fighting for five hours overnight, I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the next morning. I just could not do it to our kids, and I love my wife so much, I just don’t want to lose her, because when things are good with us, they are really good. She says she loves me too. I don’t know whether to believe her or not anymore.

She was a rape victim when she was a young adult, possibly gang raped (she does not know because she was drugged), and she was impregnated during it and gave birth to a beautiful daughter, whom she made the brave choice to keep and I later was able to adopt after we married. Our daughter is a beautiful, kind college student now. My wife admitted this week she has never really dealt properly with her rape, and I wonder if this might have anything to do with her destructive behavior recently.

We are starting couples therapy in two weeks, which we did after the physical affair years ago and helped us a lot, and she is seeking out an individual therapist to deal with what she calls her self-destructive behavior. I told her I would support her through this.

I want to ask you all, is there any hope for us? How many chances do I give a serial cheater? I do not believe in divorce, but she is hurting me mentally and even physically with her behavior. We are both Christians, and we attend church as a family. But this is not normal behavior for a Christian wife and mom in her early 40s, and I am very concerned about her. I do not know what to do and appreciate any advice you can give me. I have not told a soul about this in my daily life because it is so embarrassing.

Thank you for your time to read all this! God bless you!

I think you may be trauma bonded to a narcissistic acting person.

She has you blaming yourself for her sin choices. You don't do enough for me so I will cheat. God won't accept excuses from her.

The Last Will Be First is a very biblical book regarding people who act like this.

Gaslighting, truangulation, blaming others instead of humbly admitting or taking responsibility for her choices, etc.

In the last days people will be lovers of themselves....etc

I am not diagnosing her. There is a spirit of narcissim like behavior (the Bible doesn't use the word narcissim but describes actions of ppl that line up with it. ) rampaging through ppl especially youth. It is popular for abusive ppl to abuse, blame others, be accepted.

If she doesn't have empathy or the ability to humble herself and admit her sin to God and others, and take responsibility for it, she may be in eternal peril. I just say this because humility...admitting we sinned...is the journey to becoming born again in Christ Jesus. Most importantly make sure she is really saved...many will call Jesus Lord but Jesus will say I never knew you.

How are we known by Jesus? By getting saved, abiding in the Vine n doing everything thru Him. Loving Him n others according to God's definition of love not society's.

God tells us to not love the world. If we do, the love of God isn't in us. We can't serve 2 masters. We know a tree by its fruit...Jesus says to discern if others are really following Jesus. It isn't judgement but how we all can assess ourselves to see if we are in the faith or not.

If you research narcissism, I recommend the book I mentioned. It lines up with the Word.

Praying for you n yours. I don't mean to sound harsh but I was married to 2 narcs and their salvation is in jeopardy...it's people's eternity that really matters especially with nuke war on the table.

I pray that you seek Abba Father God for wisdom...Jeremiah 33:3. He will give it to you...