My Personal Testimony

Klbber

Member
Hello all, I'm a long time visitor to the site and finally decided yesterday to go ahead and register properly. I just turned 57 and encountered God when I was 13, and that encounter is what I'm going to write about.

On a Saturday night in 1978, just before school started, I had a nightmare. In all my years prior to this night, even in early childhood, I had no hesitation asking God to help me with things I was having trouble with. I knew He existed, but as you'll see it was superficial belief and it wasn't enough to satisfy God's requirements. I'll say right now I was, and mostly still am, one of those intellectual types that lives by logic and reason. I need proof before I consider changing my thinking, but I do keep an open mind so I imagine that's why I found God's existence to be logical and reasonable. It's complicated......

Anyway, in my dream I was in a very dark place, sitting down, and all I could see were my own arms and legs. Even then, they were occasionally obscured by a black fog or mist. After a short time of trying to make sense of my surroundings, I noticed what looked like an earthworm crawling on my leg. I love critters of all kinds, so I was not bothered by it at all. However, it suddenly started burrowing into my leg (sincere apologies to the super squeamish) so I grabbed at it and it broke in half. The portion on my leg continued burrowing and the one in my hand started burrowing there. I slapped and grabbed, trying to fling these things away but every attempt only made things worse. I became frantic, not knowing what I was doing any more as I tried everything I could to escape. I stopped and stared in horror at what had become of me, and then I woke up lying in my own bed in my own bedroom.

Well I must say that I was breathing hard and my sheets were cold and wet, soaked with my own sweat, and it took me several minutes to collect my thoughts. Then I realized what had awakened me was my mom calling me to get ready for church. I hated disappointing my mom, but I only went to church for her sake as long as I had nothing better to do. I often did have something else I wanted to do; work on my plastic model airplanes, get ready to watch the Cowboys kickoff, or ride my bike all over town. I always felt mildly guilty about skipping church, and that made me resent my mom a little because she wouldn't ever just drop the subject.

As I was lying there on my bed, I came up with what seemed to be a brilliant solution to the whole church/guilt problem - I would just dump the whole situation in God's lap and let Him deal with it. I said a short little prayer, "God, if you're really there and you want me to go to church then let a bird land on my window screen". I wrote the whole prayer out here, but in reality when I said the word "bird", a sparrow landed on my window screen and was staring me in the eye - motionless. I found out what it was like to have your blood run cold, it really does feel like your blood turned to icewater.

Well, I couldn't deny God had answered my little 'bright idea' prayer so I got up and got dressed, arguing with myself the whole time - trying to convince myself it wasn't God, just a coincidence. When my mom got out to the car I was already sitting in the front seat, which was completely out of character for me. Usually I made her late for church. She knew something was up but never said a word. We got to church and I went to my Sunday School class. I have no idea what the lesson was, because I was too busy arguing against what had happened. I had switched tactics though. Now I was arguing myself about how I was a good kid and didn't need to go to church, what could God possibly want me there for? Back and forth I argued, but every time I got anywhere close to winning an argument, I remembered that bird. I went through the preaching service like this, not hearing anything - not the music, not the preaching until the passage from the book of Mark about outer darkness and the worm never dies. That sent the cuilled blood racing through me again. I was utterly stunned, I didn't know what to think. God had left me absolutely no room to doubt His existence. He was singling me out, that passage could have been only meant for me. After church, I don't even remember anyone greeting me, and it was a very small church. Either God was keeping folks away so He and I could hash out this fight, or else I was so busy arguing nothing else was registering.

I stayed in my room all afternoon arguing, arguing, arguing........ It switched to the 'why me' questions. What does He want with me? Am I in trouble? I never did anything bad. I was a straight A student. I never smoked or took any drugs. I never cheated on anything. I laid all these out before God asking why weren't they good enough. I could fill page after page with all my arguments - remember I need logic, there has to be a reason, the answer to the question "Why?" must be provided.

Well, when my mom got in the car to go to the evening service I was sitting in the passenger seat with my bible, something I had never done before. She still didn't say a word. One of the final arguments I had laid before God was "Ok, but You need to explain why - I can't just accept things for no reason." So I was going to church to get God's answer.

The singing started and I was telling God more or less "Well? I'm waiting...." Suddenly the words of the song being sung cut through my arguing - I don't remember the title right now, but it was the one describing a ship without a sail. That's when it hit me - my life was headed nowhere, there was no point to my existence, I was simply taking up space and using up air. It came to me that I needed God to have meaning, purpose, reason and logic.

I went to the altar at the invitation and made my public affirmation that Jesus was my Lord & Redeemer. It's been a long journey and things never seem to happen when I want them to - for example it was not until several months later that I realized what being forgiven really meant. When that happened I almost thought I could fly, my heart was that glad. But that's a tale for another time. For now, as it has always been, let it just be one moment after another trusting that God knows my needs and how best to manage them.
 

JamesSuth

Well-Known Member
Wow, thank you! It is wonderful how God reaches each one of us. So glad to have your fellowship on here, brother. It would be nice to hear more sometime of what else God has gone in your life.
 
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