Looking at the opposite sex

Discussion in 'Anything Goes Coffee Shop' started by Goodboy, Nov 12, 2018.

  1. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    I have a question. Why when you are in a relationship or married is it so, so bad to look at someone of the opposite sex? This is an honest question for both the men and women.

    I am not talking about gawking or staring at someone from the opposite sex, just taking a casual look at them. I am not saying it is right or wrong because I don't know. Do I look at women at times? Yes and my wife gets very mad at me. Do I lust at them? I don't plan to, but I suppose sometimes I do depending on what they are wearing.

    You may say, of course it's wrong and you don't blame my wife. Well you are probably right, but listen to my point of view. We have beauty contests where the only real point is to look at the contestants and their beauty. I have no plans to do anything but look (not stare), meaning no speaking to them or trying to get to know them. I don't go anywhere with the object of looking at women, I just happen to see them in the store mostly.

    I am being honest here and really most men I know also look at women whether they admit it or not. One reason I don't understand why it is such a big deal is because I don't care in the least who my wife looks at as long as it is just looking. In fact, I may bring to her attention some man I think she would find interesting to look at. Another thing I don't get is that it seems to be OK to look at women on TV, just not in person.

    I am just curious as to others opinions. Feel free to tell me how wrong my thinking is.:thumbdown
    Círeth, Lynn, Andy C and 1 other person like this.
  2. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    I know this is a touchy subject, but are there no brave souls who will give me their perspective? :pirateduel:thinking
    Círeth, Lynn, Andy C and 1 other person like this.
  3. Kerbluey

    Kerbluey Well-Known Member

    God says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Whether you mean anything by it or not, the fact that your wife doesn’t like it tells me as a husband you should stop. I would be deeply hurt by this behavior. Edited to say that works both ways. If you resented something she did to this extent I’d have the same suggestion for her. :)
    LoudRam77, Kem, Círeth and 7 others like this.
  4. Forgiven1

    Forgiven1 Well-Known Member

    Scripture speaks directly to this issue:

    Matthew 5:28
    28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

    Why tempt yourself to sin? Flee from it instead. Read James 1:14-15.
  5. pixelpusher

    pixelpusher Well-Known Member

    Goodboy, I know what you mean.

    We do usually have eyeballs, and with current fashions to wear "exercise" clothes... or whatever... the struggle is real and constant.

    My strategy is to acknowledge that yes, the person is beautiful, attractive, etc, then to turn my thought that one is not the one God picked for me, and thank Him for my wife, and I put my eyeballs somewhere else. And no, I'm not perfect in it.

    We *see*, but I don't think "taking a casual look" is right either, when it's still to look at their body, but I still do it. I reckon it can't really be helped. All I can do is choose not to dwell on the thought if I didn't stop it at the gate. And if and when I might, tear myself away from it, apologize and ask forgiveness and more strength.

    Maybe I'll make a line of running shoes and call them "Josephs".
    LoudRam77, Kem, Círeth and 3 others like this.
  6. Kaatje

    Kaatje Well-Known Member

    I just wonder: WHY is this a question for you?
    You’ve posted so many articles, in which you point out so much of Scripture,
    and you know how to apply it to a good Christian walk of life.
    So why on this point, do you lower the bar for yourself?

    I can understand that you are fallible, like we all are,
    but I don’t understand why you would want to defend it.

    Honestly, I’m a bit dissapointed.
    Kem, Círeth, Patiently... and 2 others like this.
  7. Jan51

    Jan51 Well-Known Member

    This is a good point.

    I don't see how we can help but notice other people. We naturally draw conclusions about them: they are dirty, or weird, or nice looking, or we admire their hair or clothing or ... We also notice their bodies and have opinions there too.

    But notice is different than lust.
    LoudRam77, Kem, Círeth and 5 others like this.
  8. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Kerbluey, I totally agree that if my wife doesn't like it I should stop, which I try to do. :thumbup
    My question is more about why is it such a big deal, not whether or not I should engage in it.:idunno
    LoudRam77, Círeth, Kerbluey and 2 others like this.
  9. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Kaatje, If I sounded like I am defending it I am sorry. I am not trying to defend it and I guess I did not choose my words carefully enough. I do believe it is wrong if I purposefully look at a woman in any way other than friendship. What I was trying to get at is why do people act like it is so horrible? And most people especially men, just pretend they don't do it. One friend of mine said he always wears sunglasses, so his wife won't know he is looking.

    Please don't be disappointed in me for admitting that this is a sin that's hard for me. We are all sinners, but most don't want to admit our sin. Please forgive me for leading you to think that I believe that looking at women is OK. That was not what I was trying to convey. :hug

    God Bless!
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  10. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Good advice! :agree
  11. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Some good advice.
    Círeth and pixelpusher like this.
  12. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Good points. I think to be safe I will just try to avoid looking at women for any reason. That's not easy for me though as sadly, I guess it has become a habit.
    LoudRam77, Círeth and pixelpusher like this.
  13. Tall Timbers

    Tall Timbers Imperfect but forgiven

    From what you've said above, I would think you should try to avoid the casual looking if it is causing you to sin, which you seem to imply happens.

    Hopefully you're not watching the beauty contests given that your wife probably wouldn't approve, and wouldn't you say those beauty contests are quite worldly to begin with?

    This sounds like you're trying to justify the activity (because everyone else does it). If it is wrong, does it matter if even all other men you know do it?

    I still remember something that happened around 1993. My wife and I were at a shopping mall. I'm not a people watcher. My surroundings tend to be a blur, but on this one trip to the mall I noticed a lady that I found to be stunning. Her appearance, her attire ( classy, not revealing), how she held herself, she got my attention. My admiration of her was quite innocent and I immediately pointed her out to my wife and described to her why I had noticed the lady. My wife agreed with my assessment and apparently she understood my innocence in the matter as she wasn't bothered.

    That's an interesting thought.

    My answer to your question is, like a lot of things, it depends on you, and since you're married, also how your wife feels about it. For youd I'd say it would be wrong, given the information you've provided. I'll suggest that every time you find yourself appreciating someone of the opposite sex, STOP, and then, if your wife is with you, take a moment to let her know she's enough for you and you're blessed to have her as your wife.

    For all those other guys who you think are checking out the babes :woah whether they admit it or not, it might be okay for them to do so, depending on their situation and on what's going through their mind when they do. That said, let's weigh our thoughts and actions against the Perfect Word of God, and not on what others may or may not be doing.
    LoudRam77, Kem, Círeth and 4 others like this.
  14. pixelpusher

    pixelpusher Well-Known Member

    Exactly. I don't think it is a sin to view and acknowledge beauty, but it needs to stop there. This takes discipline and humility. I don't think you need to avoid looking at women for any reason; in fact don't see how that's possible.
    LoudRam77, Salluz, Círeth and 5 others like this.
  15. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Excellent response Tall Timbers! :agree Thank you for taking the time to respond to all the points I made. :shake
    I guess I was really looking for some Godly council regarding a sin that I struggle with. I know I did not phrase it that way, but I guess that's because it's a little hard for me to confess a sin on a builtin board. You never know what kind of response you might get.
    LoudRam77, Círeth, Kerbluey and 4 others like this.
  16. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I said I would try not that I would necessarily succeed. Good stuff Pixelpusher!
    LoudRam77, Círeth, Lynn and 3 others like this.
  17. Andy C

    Andy C Well-Known Member

    To be very honest, this is also a struggle for me, and yes, I most definitely know its wrong. When I get caught up in looking a little too long, I force myself to move on, and I silently confess my sin. Mainly this becomes an issue in the gym, but its a small gym, so not to many folks to look at. And no, I would never even engage in conversation, let alone do anything else.

    If there is anyone out there who does not occasionally take a longer look than necessary from time to time, I have not yet met that person. I think we all struggle with this, but most wont admit it.

    I know He is working on me, and Im better at this than I was in the past. Im so thankful Im saved based on what He did for me, and my belief in Him as my Savior, and Im not saved based on my behavior.
    LoudRam77, Salluz, Círeth and 5 others like this.
  18. Goodboy

    Goodboy Well-Known Member

    Andy C, thanks for your most honest heart felt response. I will use what you said to strengthen my struggle to stop looking at women. The first step is admitting it and not defending it. I am there, so with God's help I expect to make progress with this daily. :hat
    LoudRam77, Círeth, Kerbluey and 4 others like this.
  19. Andy C

    Andy C Well-Known Member

    I dont feel he defended his actions, but was very honest about a situation that affects most everyone.
    LoudRam77, Salluz, Círeth and 5 others like this.
  20. Kaatje

    Kaatje Well-Known Member

    Dear Goodboy,
    Thank you for clearing that out!

    As to your question why people act like it is horrible to just look a somebody of the opposite sex (and for some: to their own sex), I don’t know why that is.
    Maybe because they know in their heart of hearts that they do it too, (or have other, not so “see-able” sins) and blaming another makes themselves feel better.

    But we are not to take a high attitude from which we judge others, (and I certainly wasn’t judging you!) if we judge it must be with compassion, for in the same way we judge others, we will be judged, and we have to do away with our own beams before looking at anothers mote.

    We do, however, have to encourage one another daily, to keep the right track.
    Our Lord Jesus was very specific: If your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.

    I’m no better than you, “looking lustfully” is not one of my mayors sins, but I have others, that I struggle with. Sometimes they overwhelm me, on other occasions they humble me, and ultimately the make me long for that day, that sins will be done away with. (And maybe that’s their purpose all along :rolleyes:)

    May the Lord bless you and keep you, Goodboy.
    With warmest sympathy, and regard for your openness,


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