If Paul and Thomas had a baby, it would be me. Here's my story.

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
I have never fully told my story before, mainly because I am PETRIFIED of representing God incorrectly. The friends of Job come to mind, lol. But lately I have felt led to do so.

Growing up, my parents took me to church on occasion (Baptist). I only heard bits and pieces of the gospel, and knew the basics about how God sent Jesus save us, etc. But I also had watched The Ten Commandments movie every Easter because my parents would always play it. I had learned that God had a loud, thunderous voice and he wrote His commandments with FIRE and if you broke a commandment you are a sinner and you are doomed. I also thought that if I broke one commandment I was covered by Jesus' death on the cross. Just ONE commandment, though...if I broke TWO that would obviously require yet another sinless Son of God to be crucified, and since there was only one then crap....I was doomed.
I did remember one thing my mom had told me. She told me that God judges your heart. Sooooo...my master plan was to just beg and beg and beg for forgiveness once I got to Heaven.

God didn't care too much for my "plan".

One night a few years ago, I was very sick with fever and pneumonia. I went to sleep and had a very vivid, very realistic dream. I was standing in a light and airy hallway, and I was going to get married!!!!! So naturally I wanted to know who on earth I was marrying. I was told to peek around the corner into the other room, so I did. And there He was!!! My groom!!! I could only see Him from the side, I couldn't see His face. He radiated light from within, and was wearing a royal blue dress coat and He was buttoning the sleeve. A beautiful little girl wearing a bright white dress and holding bright yellow flowers went skipping barefoot past Him. I was in LOVE.... The emotion just kept getting deeper and deeper every second I looked at Him like it was a bottomless ocean and just as I felt I couldn't handle any more I woke up crying hysterically. That was not just any kind of love. That was a burning in my chest it hurt so much but I couldn't live without Him kind of love. It was heartbreak on a whole new level waking up realizing I had dreamt Him... I asked myself out loud through tears "Why haven't I known a love like THAT my whole life???". At 46 years old, and a couple divorces later - I didn't think love like that existed.

About 4 years go by, and I was just simply living life, doing the wife and mom thing.

Around August 1, 2020 I had started feeling some sort of presence around me that I couldn't quite describe. It made me feel antsy and panicky. I ignored it as best as I could. But it felt like the energy of someone was there next to me...just no person!!!! It was so weird.....
For whatever reason, who knows why, I suddenly started thinking about a guy I met way back in 2003. We met at a club in orlando, and he told me he worked for a popular boy band at the time. We hit it off, and decided to go back to his place because he wanted to introduce me to his famous boy band roommates. SURE!! So I went, knowing I would NOT be doing anything out of line because it was rotten timing as far as being a female goes...thanks, Eve...
But he tried....
And I ran out of the house telling him to pick ANYONE other than me. I was humiliated and embarrassed. Jumped in my car, sped off.

**** I promise this testimony will pick up, just laying the groundwork ***

So 8 months pass, and I literally wrote this guy who worked for a boy band off, knowing I would never hear from him again.
Then he calls.
Long story short, I was kinda horrendous to him. I don't even know why. But we agreed to meet up after he told me the reason he called was because for the past 8 months he couldn't stop thinking about me. And because I was awful for no good reason, I stood him up..... He called me asking where I was, and I ghosted him. I blocked his number, etc. WHY?????? I dunno....

But 18 years had passed and now for whatever dang reason here I was thinking about the guy who worked for this group. So, I googled the group.
AND INSTANTLY FREAKED. I had seen all those pictures before, but it never clicked until right THEN that he himself was a member of that group!!!!!!!! WHAAAT!!??? My mind and eyes were SOOOOOOO blinded to it, that I simply never made the connection. At...all.....

So now I am kicking myself because just how cool would it have been to have dated this guy that sold millions of records, but nah....I had to be a complete jerk for zero reason whatsoever.
So the guilt starts creeping in. Why did I have to be so mean???? Why didn't I care about his feelings??? Where was my compassion????

Meanwhile, this "presence" is not letting up, and it feels more like a pressure.
Feathers keep appearing in my yard... What the heck?

So I decided to google more, cuz now all I can think about is how I was awful to this guy. I find out that HE IS DEAD.
He died in November of 2018.
He was stricken with a rare form of aggressive cancer that ended up taking his life.

The guilt is getting to be worse. I start drinking, a lot.

Oh this gets better. So I find out via google that he released a solo album a couple years after we met.
So I find it on youtube, and listen to it.

That is when my life went abruptly left.
He wrote a song about ME and it was all about the night we first met, and he put in there tons of details only he and I would know!!!!! For example, that night he had kissed me. I pulled back, because I knew I couldn't let things get too far, and I told him I just had butterflies in my stomach.
One of the lyrics in his song was:

"One day, someone's gonna save ya. Save you from yourself, and free your butterflies."

Little did I know....


***continued****
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
That song was actually really sweet!!! He said I was beautiful!! Aww.
What a bittersweet ego boost...

But I had a feeling I was really gonna need to hang on....that the ride wasn't over. I discovered another song on that album. I couldn't understand a single lyric!!!! It was maddening because I literally couldn't make heads or tails out of a single word!!! I spent a few DAYS trying to figure it out.
The "presence" was still there....

But then suddenly, for I don't know what reason, I was able to understand the lyrics and it crushed me. Literally I had tears streaming down my face. The song, titled "Crafty b*tch", was all about me and the night I stood him up.

Ego....death.... I was no longer feeling all that beautiful. And I was quickly reminded of just how awful I was.

Days went by. Endless crying. Endless heartbreak.

I saw a picture of him on my phone via google and I covered my head with my blanket, crying, saying I just wanted to go ahead and kill myself.
I looked at the safe in the closet where the gun is kept. Walked over to it, sat down next to it, aaaaaand....the phone rings. It is my 20 year old daughter calling me on a Monday night just to "chat". She never calls me at night to chat. Ever.
But talking to her helped that night. She reminded me that I have others who need me. My kids need me.

More days go by and I can't shake the guilt, or the pressing desire to just simply tell him "I'm sorry."
Thats all I wanted. I just wanted to tell him I am sorry! But how???? He died. I can't live with this guilt forever.
So I decided to pay some money to a phone app that lets me chat with a medium.

It took me a month or so before I realized that during the multiple conversations I had with that medium... Jesus my Lord and savior had intervened. He slid right in there from the very first conversation all the way to the last.

Here are some of the things she told me he said that made zero sense to me at the time.
1). He accepts your apology, he is also very sorry. He says he wants you to stay strong.
2). He wants you to go out and show his love.
3). He is telling you not to get stuck.
4). He asks why do you want to understand what is going on?? He loves you and that is all that matters.
5). He is holding out his hand to you. He is jumping into a swimming pool, and now he is throwing you a rope. He wants you to follow it.
6). He says you are forever his girl, and you will always have his heart.
7). He says you will meet up and go over the life you had.
8). He said he is not ready yet to reincarnate, but he will. And he will be stronger this time.
9). When i asked if I could do anything to help him, he said to please just acknowledge when he is trying to connect. He says i will feel it in my heart. He also said to just "be happy". I asked why, and he said because I will see him more.

I had a STRONG suspicion that I was not talking to the boy band guy. And plus that presence wouldn't ease up. But if it wasnt the boy band guy, then who or WHAT on earth was it!!!???

I got back on google. Oh my, all the stuff I found on google about mediums and how that can open a whole can of worms.
I needed answers. I needed this presence to ease up. I needed help.

***continued***
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
I couldn't get the guilt to go away. One morning I had laid down on my sofa because the pressure was so great, and cried like a baby. I had gone over in my head literally every little thing I had ever done that was awful in my life. I begged out loud for forgiveness. I said I was tired of hurting people.

I got up, walked into the kitchen and literally felt my heart stop. It was not beating. I held my hand to my chest, backed up against a wall, and felt that SAME strange presence standing right in front of me. It was as if it stuck its hand into my chest, did some weird thing to my heart, and then pulled the hand back out.
I immediately sat down in a chair, and I decided to pray. Tears flowing, pain, emotionally exhausted after weeks.... God was the only thing that existed at that moment. Everything else was black.
I asked Him to please have Mercy on me. I begged Him to please just "take it". And each time I said "take it" I felt lighter...... So I said it more, and more.... Then I kid you not, the thick rain cloud that was above me parted, and a small ray of sunshine came down and I felt the warmth on the side of my face :)

In the days that went by, I started talking to God more and more. He was the only comfort I could find, and weirdly, the only thing I could think about or even wanted to think about. And then when I didn't think about Him, my heart felt a burning sensation and the only thing that would make it easy up was reading a bible.

So I read in the bible that I should get baptized. But how??? With this pandemic nobody is baptizing around me. And I don't belong to a church.

****continued***
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
I found a baptist church up the road, and I found out they had services in person every sunday. But no childcare. So I would have to go alone.

I get there, and I feel SO panicky. I knew nobody, and as I was sitting in the cold auditorium all I could do was think about how I was alone and everyone else had a spouse or friend they were sitting with. I started to well-up but covered my shaking chin with my mask. I asked Jesus to please sit next to me so I wouldn't be alone. I then started getting distracted by this perfume smell. It was so strong and it smelled like flowers. Like a woman bathed in flower perfume. Strangely there was nobody around me though with social distancing.
I calmed down and the smell went away.

After the service I spoke to a pastor and we scheduled my Baptism!
I was baptized on November 22, 2020 and had my first communion that day as well.

It has now been almost a year, and I still ache for Jesus and God every day. The only happiness i find is reading the bible, going to church or basically anything to do with Him.

As time went on, I started really reflecting on the medium. I had prayed for forgiveness to God if I angered Him by consulting one. I am always reminded though of a few key points. One is that God works all things for your own good. Did the end result lead me to Him? Yes.

I also found out that the one unforgivable sins is to accuse the Holy Spirit of being satan. Well... If whoever that medium channeled led me to Jesus and I am forbidden to accuse anything that leads me to my salvation of being evil, then how could it have been the devil??? See, God knew I would think that, so He had an answer prepared, lol.
Oh and as a side note: The flowery smell...I found out that there is something called the "odor of sanctity" and it is of flowers. They say the Holy Spirit allows you to smell Jesus when needed.

I was also told by my pastor that the dream I had of getting married to a faceless man...was God inviting me to be a member of the church.

Thank you all for reading this, as its my first time sharing it. God bless.
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
Thank you for sharing your testimony, @Katie8758. Hopefully the thread doesn't get deleted, your sharing could well bless others down the road.
I have tears in my eyes now. Thank you, tall timbers <3. I am still just so raw and somewhat fragile as a baby christian that I might be hyper-sensitive I suppose.
I truly was hoping to touch others with my story - if anything to help testify that our glorious and loving God is VERY MUCH alive and active right here, right now, right alongside us in the year 2021.
 

Tall Timbers

Imperfect but forgiven
I have tears in my eyes now. Thank you, tall timbers <3. I am still just so raw and somewhat fragile as a baby christian that I might be hyper-sensitive I suppose.
I truly was hoping to touch others with my story - if anything to help testify that our glorious and loving God is VERY MUCH alive and active right here, right now, right alongside us in the year 2021.

:hugGod is so good, and it is good for us to share our faith as you have here!
 

Andiamo

"Let's go!"
After the service I spoke to a pastor and we scheduled my Baptism!
I was baptized on November 22, 2020 and had my first communion that day as well.

It has now been almost a year, and I still ache for Jesus and God every day. The only happiness i find is reading the bible, going to church or basically anything to do with Him.
Hun, I think the Lord has you off to a very good start. I was divorced and broken just like you, and the Lord did use a few special, tangible things to get my attention. I also fell in love with Him, as you did. As you feed on and grow in the Word, God will use that more and more to speak to you. You will regard tangible things less and less, because the Word of God will fill you up and provide you with everything you need. Don't be discouraged if you feel like the Lord has withdrawn His presence from you....He is leading you to seek Him out in His word....which is so awesome, because Jesus Is the Word that became flesh! You just keep close to the Lord and going to church, and in the word and walk your walk sweetie. No two walks are exactly the same and yours is yours.
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
Hun, I think the Lord has you off to a very good start. I was divorced and broken just like you, and the Lord did use a few special, tangible things to get my attention. I also fell in love with Him, as you did. As you feed on and grow in the Word, God will use that more and more to speak to you. You will regard tangible things less and less, because the Word of God will fill you up and provide you with everything you need. Don't be discouraged if you feel like the Lord has withdrawn His presence from you....He is leading you to seek Him out in His word....which is so awesome, because Jesus Is the Word that became flesh! You just keep close to the Lord and going to church, and in the word and walk your walk sweetie. No two walks are exactly the same and yours is yours.
Thank you <3
He will do whatever is necessary for his sheep. And we definitely do not all have the same stories, because each of us have individual needs and requirements.
 

Andiamo

"Let's go!"
Thank you <3
He will do whatever is necessary for his sheep. And we definitely do not all have the same stories, because each of us have individual needs and requirements.
That is correct. God is leading you and will give you what you need, As you grow in the Word, you will know Him more and more and it is absolutely amazing. When I was a new Christian, I didn't realize how much I could feel like I was sitting with Jesus face to face, just by reading His word. I kept looking for those tangible things I got in the beginning, and I was sad when they were gone. But it's true that the word of God is alive through His Holy Spirit and sometimes I can almost feel Him tapping me on the shoulder, as He draws my attention to a particular verse.
Now the Word is how I look for Him...and sometimes He will surprise me with some special thing in my life, but mostly, He has withdrawn from that and I know it's because He wants me to stay in His Word.
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
That is correct. God is leading you and will give you what you need, As you grow in the Word, you will know Him more and more and it is absolutely amazing. When I was a new Christian, I didn't realize how much I could feel like I was sitting with Jesus face to face, just by reading His word. I kept looking for those tangible things I got in the beginning, and I was sad when they were gone. But it's true that the word of God is alive through His Holy Spirit and sometimes I can almost feel Him tapping me on the shoulder, as He draws my attention to a particular verse.
Now the Word is how I look for Him...and sometimes He will surprise me with some special thing in my life, but mostly, He has withdrawn from that and I know it's because He wants me to stay in His Word.
I have heard that He will whisper, in order to draw us closer and I absolutely love that.
One of the most recent tangible things happened to me today in fact, lol! I was upset over something my ex said to my daughter, so I took a drive. Then I looked up and saw the license plate of the car directly in front of me...it said: BE STILL. Lol! I thanked Jesus immediately.

I do feel the withdrawal, as if He has left, and I do feel it is to draw me to the bible to seek Him out, so I definitely know what you mean and it is so comforting to connect with others who have experienced it. Makes me feel less crazy hahahha
 

Andiamo

"Let's go!"
I want to encourage you also, @Katie8758 to be very particular about where you go to church. People who have had tangible experiences with God often end up in the Charismatic Movement. This is the wrong place to be, because it is full of people who are way, way too focused on experiences, and pursue them. Because of their wrong focus, they are not in the Word enough and that is why they are so doctrinally off the rails now. Avoid them like the plague, because they will send you in a wrong direction, and will stunt your growth. I suggest a Calvary Chapel...I find that they are a very good balance of not being cessationists, but also elevating the Word of God to its proper importance and priority that every Christian should have.
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
I want to encourage you also, @Katie8758 to be very particular about where you go to church. People who have had tangible experiences with God often end up in the Charismatic Movement. This is the wrong place to be, because it is full of people who are way, way too focused on experiences, and pursue them. Because of their wrong focus, they are not in the Word enough and that is why they are so doctrinally off the rails now. Avoid them like the plague, because they will send you in a wrong direction, and will stunt your growth. I suggest a Calvary Chapel...I find that they are a very good balance of not being cessationists, but also elevating the Word of God to its proper importance and priority that every Christian should have.
Thank you SO much for the suggestion :) I have felt lately that the baptist church I have been attending may not be the best fit. Something just feels "off".
See!!! Right there... Proof that our Lord meant for us to have this conversation today :)
Thank you again :)
 

Andiamo

"Let's go!"
I have heard that He will whisper, in order to draw us closer and I absolutely love that.
One of the most recent tangible things happened to me today in fact, lol! I was upset over something my ex said to my daughter, so I took a drive. Then I looked up and saw the license plate of the car directly in front of me...it said: BE STILL. Lol! I thanked Jesus immediately.

I do feel the withdrawal, as if He has left, and I do feel it is to draw me to the bible to seek Him out, so I definitely know what you mean and it is so comforting to connect with others who have experienced it. Makes me feel less crazy hahahha
That is so sweet, and God will continue to surprise you like that at times. But the key is, we are not to pursue these surprises....and that is where the charismatics get it totally wrong. We pursue Him through prayer, worship and in His word....it sounds like God has you started on that process now and you are off to a great start, because you already understand what I am telling you. It took me several years to get to where you are now!
Keep going! And no, you are not crazy! Just crazy about the Lord, as I am! :hug
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
That is so sweet, and God will continue to surprise you like that at times. But the key is, we are not to pursue these surprises....and that is where the charismatics get it totally wrong. We pursue Him through prayer, worship and in His word....it sounds like God has you started on that process now and you are off to a great start, because you already understand what I am telling you. It took me several years to get to where you are now!
Keep going! And no, you are not crazy! Just crazy about the Lord, as I am! :hug
***HUGS***
I know that tangible experiences are not to be sought after. As soon as I read in the NT where Jesus was annoyed at those asking for signs, I said out loud "Hey, just so ya know, I will NEVER ask you for another sign EVER, lol...oh and I love you."
So whenever they do happen, I thank Him immediately and pray.
 

Andiamo

"Let's go!"
Thank you SO much for the suggestion :) I have felt lately that the baptist church I have been attending may not be the best fit. Something just feels "off".
See!!! Right there... Proof that our Lord meant for us to have this conversation today :)
Thank you again :)
Yes....I am ***almost*** baptist...but not quite. They are fine people! I love their hymns, and their emphasis on evangelism. I could survive at one, but I would always be the square peg, and definitely could never feel free to share my history. Calvary Chapel pastors have referred to themselves as "Bapticostals" and I would say that's exactly what I am....especially now that I understand the truth of the pre-trib rapture! We have been going to one for several months now and I highly recommend it!
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
Yes....I am ***almost*** baptist...but not quite. They are fine people! I love their hymns, and their emphasis on evangelism. I could survive at one, but I would always be the square peg, and definitely could never feel free to share my history. Calvary Chapel pastors have referred to themselves as "Bapticostals" and I would say that's exactly what I am....especially now that I understand the truth of the pre-trib rapture! We have been going to one for several months now and I highly recommend it!
Oh my goodness that sounds like ME!!!! I love them, but there is just a little something that seems to not fit quite right. At the moment, I just feel misplaced. I will know when I "click" :)
 

Katie8758

Well-Known Member
I'm so glad I picked up my iPad & was able to encourage you. Please keep coming here for fellowship too. But yeah the rules and all. I had a dream last night I would love to tell you about, but will refrain l
Well, crap :/

I wanna hear it...lololol...
But ya, rules.
Not sure if half of these testimony can remain if dreams, encounters, etc. cannot be spoken of.

I will leave it all up to the discretion of the adminis.
 
Top