I need to get this out somewhere.

yrrek

Well-Known Member
Some people are simply too high maintenance to have in your life. Realize you don’t want to hurt them but apparently they could care less whether they hurt you. If you are experiencing enotional problems get in the word and once and for all cut yourself and your own family loose from these trouble makers. It sounds like you want something from them they simply don’t have to give they are void of it - love and caring.
I agree with you. Right now I’m just trying not to rock the boat too much until this house thing is settled. They know they have to move if they don’t fulfill the commitment they made 5 years ago. I know that once it is that’s probably when the ties are going to be cut. They made comments that once this is over things won’t be the same. Which they were never there for me so really it’s mostly change on their end not mine. The only thing I ever wanted from them was to be loved and cared about but I grew out of that in 2011 when we had a fire and they didn’t even care to see if we were okay. People who didn’t even know/met us were more helpful.
 

GotGrace

Well-Known Member
I agree with you. Right now I’m just trying not to rock the boat too much until this house thing is settled. They know they have to move if they don’t fulfill the commitment they made 5 years ago. I know that once it is that’s probably when the ties are going to be cut. They made comments that once this is over things won’t be the same. Which they were never there for me so really it’s mostly change on their end not mine. The only thing I ever wanted from them was to be loved and cared about but I grew out of that in 2011 when we had a fire and they didn’t even care to see if we were okay. People who didn’t even know/met us were more helpful.
I would remind them they are going to have to move.
 

Carl

Well-Known Member
I read your post and thought of this one that might help.

SimplyJulie
Someone had requested that I repost the story about how I finally got a little wiser and stopped fighting God for control of my life and how things have been since that day, so here goes:

I am the mother of three boys and have been raising them by myself from the beginning...don't ask..it's a messed up story. Suffice to say that I am divorced and have never received any child support, so life has been a little tough on the financial side. I finally went back to school at the age of 28 to become an LPN, but this didn't really relieve the pressure any. Now, I've always considered myself a Christian and had been raised in a number of churches and sat under the preaching of many pastors. I really tried but failed most of the time to be what God wanted me to be, but most every Sunday would find us in church and trying to live a Christian life.

I spent my life struggling with bills...not credit card bills..the usual...house payments, utilities, car payments, auto insurance and food. It seemed like my life moved from one disaster to the next and folks considered me as having the worst luck of anyone they had ever known. Often I worked two jobs and sometimes three, went to school in the evening to try to get somewhere...anywhere but the Land of Desparate Non-housewives. It seemed something was always in danger of being shut off....electric, gas, water.

One thing or the other kept me from getting ahead...the car engine would blow, then the transmission, my company would go on strike....you name it, it seemed to happen to me. I would lay awake each night and cry, praying for God to help me. I needed so little in this life to be happy...I didn't want riches, beauty, fame or nice things...I just wanted to pay my bills on time.

In the relationship department I also came up with ill fortune and got the wind knocked out of me on an emotional level a few times. I was so lonely from doing this single dance without any support...no support financially, none emotionally. My two sisters had started a hate war against me and my kids were getting bullied in school on a daily basis...my home town had turned into a hostile place for us to live and we decided to move away.

One day I had fallen about as far as I could go...I had sold my home for the cost of pay off and was in a job transition, all my household goods were in storage and I was on my way to another part of the state looking for a job. I would be moving there without knowing anyone, without a full-time job(on the phone they were only offering part time) and I hadn't been able to find a rental home in which to relocate.

I was driving down a mountain, once again crying and begging God to help and staring through tears at the beautiful scenery. Finally...finally...I managed to find the right prayer! After almost 40 years of praying, begging, pleading for God to help me get what I wanted in life, I finally told God, "I give up! I can't do this anymore, I can't handle my life anymore and I need you to take over. You do it now, because I simply cannot any longer."

I know this sounds cheesy and like a country music tune, but I immediately felt such a glow of peace that I was crying for a different reason! I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders and the day was so incredibly changed....everything came into sharp focus and I felt joy fill my heart. I was excited and amazed by this feeling, where just moments before I was pounding the steering wheel and agonizing over my life.

Do you know? I had been trying for a couple of months to find a home to rent in that area and had been turning up nothing. I went to get an application from the employer that I had called the previous week, when they told me they only had part-time positions. The secretary asked me, "Did you read about this job in the paper?" I told her I had talked to someone the week before about a part-time job. She said that only yesterday they had put an ad in the paper and the job was now full time...someone had quit unexpectedly. I was hired that day. And the Director of Nursing called me at my hotel that night and told me about a place I could rent.

All that time and all those years I had been telling God that He had control over my life and that He could drive that machine...and all the while I had been in the passenger seat, trying to wrest the wheel out of His hands and steer towards where I wanted to go. No wonder my life had been full of one wreck after another!!!

From that day on I have been practicing giving up...this is a hard thing to do for someone who has had to be in the driver seat for so long. I have been both mother and father, sole bread winner, single warrior in this long fight...and all the while I didn't have to be. How foolish do I feel?

Now I am free falling and I don't have to worry anymore...about anything, really. Every time something comes up that used to worry me, I just give it over to God and pray that "your will be done, not mine" and doors open, lights come on, miracles happen. I couldn't tell you how many times I've stood in awe of how God worked things out right before my eyes and I could actually SEE how He worked it around to make things okay in my little world.

This didn't used to happen in my old life...or maybe it did and I was too blind to see it. Maybe I could only see my own agenda, my own road map that I had developed for my life....anyhoo, every day it gets more and more easy to let go and let God show me where to go, what to do. I can't describe how wonderful it feels to not have to worry when things start looking dim. My family are amazed at the change in my attitude and it makes them a little nervous to see me so laid back about things that used to stress me. That's okay.... I am making less than I ever made($3 less on the hour than before!!) and I haven't been late on a bill since I prayed that prayer! As a matter of fact, I was out of work for nearly a year a couple of years back and I still didn't make any late payments on bills. How? Only Heaven knows... :thumbup
 

yrrek

Well-Known Member
Just read through this thread…I also think you are doing the right thing. Has the situation changed? Prayers!
The situation has in fact changed. They finally went through the process once we gave them a 30 day notice. What was so irritating at the time was that they didn’t even want to try to get a loan. But they did and they actually have a lower payment. It worked out better than I thought it would. We chose to take a hit selling the house for less than we could have. We got a little bit and used the money to pay off our credit card. It felt impossible in the beginning but it actually turned around. Of course there was a lot of praying so I’m sure it was God that put it all in place. Since then, they tried to go back to the normal relationship but I’ve been keeping my distance. After all we were doing for them and the way we were treated, I just can’t pretend everything is all good. I forgive them but I’m not able to be emotionally close to them. Or less than before if that makes sense.
 

athenasius

Well-Known Member
...Since then, they tried to go back to the normal relationship but I’ve been keeping my distance. After all we were doing for them and the way we were treated, I just can’t pretend everything is all good. I forgive them but I’m not able to be emotionally close to them. Or less than before if that makes sense.
It makes perfect sense. yrrek, there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust.

You forgave, you took a loss, you dealt with the situation in a Godly manner.

But they broke trust.

They have to earn that trust back. People who are sincerely sorry admit what they did and that it was wrong, and try to make amends.

That isn't happening.

Good boundaries for Christians include the idea that trust needs to be earned back.

People will tell you if you don't trust them again, you haven't forgiven and that is a lie from Satan. Forgiveness is letting go your need to punish, and letting God look after them in whatever way He sees fit. You did that. They benefited from your grace and forgiveness.

Now that trust is broken and the only one who can fix it, is the person who broke it. And it is perfectly ok to allow consequences and distance to help keep that broken boundary up and working between you and them because that will prevent them from sinning again in that way.

When King David sinned, and was called out on it by God speaking thru the prophet Nathan-- he'd committed adultery, gotten Bathsheba pregnant and arranged the murder of her husband so he could quickly marry her and cover it up.

David repented right away, and God forgave him.

But God had consequences that David had to endure which included the death of that child.

Another time he took a census of the people which was forbidden under Mosaic Law and he repented but was given a choice of consequences.

Moses struck the rock in the wilderness twice when God had said ONCE and was forbidden to enter the Promised Land as a result. God forgave Moses, but the consequence was still there.

Consequences are part of sin. God doesn't always remove us from consequences even though He forgives us completely.

I just want you to be free of any misplaced guilt over keeping good boundaries.

BTW read the book Boundaries by Drs Cloud and Townsend. It might be at your local library. They are Christian counsellors and this book they wrote set a lot of people free.

Hugs
Margery
 

Jojo4124

Well-Known Member
I'm struggling right now. And, I'm not really sure why. My heart is so soft. Sometimes, I hate it. I hate that I care about people to the degree I do. Because I know what it's like to hurt, I will wound myself in order to keep someone else from being wounded. (In an emotional/spiritual sense). My family is going through some drama right now and I just can't handle it. I know that we are doing things the right way, maybe even more than what normal people would and we are being painted as horrible people. The family members who are raging against me don't have much... actually have never had much to do with me. They keep accusing us of being heartless because "You are not thinking about us. YOu are only thinking of your family." Which in reality it's true but they only contact me when they want something. Why does this bother me? Why do I care about people who've abused me and made me feel worthless? I hate this. I hate that I care so much about people who have NEVER and still don't care about me. Unless of course, it's to convince me to give them their way. They hate my husband now for something we told them 2 1/2 years ago that we would have to do. (Selling my grandma's house who passed in 2008 and the house was mine.) I'm accused of not caring about my family while at the same time they are trying to encourage me to leave my husband... because my kids will be okay. Like... they could buy this house... they could have bought it a long time ago. We have been in this limbo waiting for them to do this for 5 years. 5..... years..... I've always struggled with depression, anxiety and yes... suicide. They know this. They are the cause of the trauma that helped developed these mental problems. But they only see their side. They don't understand why we need to get this place out of our names. It's been a strain on our marriage. It's been a topic of tension. I've always wanted them to care about me. They never have. Please pray for my soft heart. I don't like hurting people's feelings. But even my pastor says I'm in a bad situation and need to get out of this. I just wanna cry. Sorry for the long... jumbled rant.

It is ok to guard your heart. The above Bible verse says from such people...turn away

God tells us to turn away from the ppl described in that verse. He doesn't say to negotiate with them. He doesn't say to try to love them so much that they'll change.

God hates all forms of abuse. Ppl who haven't been treated like this have no idea, they make you feel guilty for not trying harder. God never ever says to keep trying with ppl who refuse to stop being pawns of satan to cause offense to your heart.

Forgiveness is mandatory but reconciliation with abusive ppl is not.

Jesus told the disciples to shake the dust off their sandals from those who reject the gospel...and reject to obey it is included in that, in my opinion.

Don't throw your pearls to swine....

Guard your heart. Consider loving from a distance. Disengage from abuse and live in peace.

Just my opinion. I was married to a narcissistic man. While I can't diagnose him, he checks off all the boxes. God NEVER EVER says to stay in any kind of abuse, no matter who from.

You can honor abusive parents by not allowing them to abuse you by distancing your heart. No one, not even parents have a right to abuse anyone...staying around abusive ppl enables their abuse by giving them someone to abuse. Honor can be staying away so they can't sin against you yet again. Praying for them is also honoring them.

. If these ppl were strangers, would you try to be friends with them?

Praying for you!!!
Please guard your heart n peace. If you have children, they watch your response to mean ppl. They learn to either submit to or to reject abuse.

Don't let other Christians guilt trip you if you decide to make boundaries in order to protect yourself. I'd ask those Christians to show me where God tells us to risk our health by allowing ppl to abuse us? Not Biblical.
 

Jojo4124

Well-Known Member
I’m trying to do it right. I’m not sure what boundaries we’d set since the only reason they are talking to us now is to try and convince us not to sell. Well then it went downhill after we said we still were. After this.. regardless of what happens I know I’ll most likely be more alienated from them which I’m not saying is a bad thing. They told me today they will “get a loan and dh can go ***k himself.” Their words not mine.
Well, with abusive ppl I've found zero contact works. Cut them off your Facebook, etc. This will cause them to try harder to contact you so be prepared for that. Be ok with getting restraining orders if they keep harassing you.

Sweet one, please get healing for your heart. I've experienced some of what you have, even suicidal ideation. Then Father God showed me that no one on earth's opinion matters compared to HIS. Look up verses that tell you who you are in Christ. We defeat satans lies with the Word!!! Xxxooo
 
Last edited:

Jojo4124

Well-Known Member
It makes perfect sense. yrrek, there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust.

You forgave, you took a loss, you dealt with the situation in a Godly manner.

But they broke trust.

They have to earn that trust back. People who are sincerely sorry admit what they did and that it was wrong, and try to make amends.

That isn't happening.

Good boundaries for Christians include the idea that trust needs to be earned back.

People will tell you if you don't trust them again, you haven't forgiven and that is a lie from Satan. Forgiveness is letting go your need to punish, and letting God look after them in whatever way He sees fit. You did that. They benefited from your grace and forgiveness.

Now that trust is broken and the only one who can fix it, is the person who broke it. And it is perfectly ok to allow consequences and distance to help keep that broken boundary up and working between you and them because that will prevent them from sinning again in that way.

When King David sinned, and was called out on it by God speaking thru the prophet Nathan-- he'd committed adultery, gotten Bathsheba pregnant and arranged the murder of her husband so he could quickly marry her and cover it up.

David repented right away, and God forgave him.

But God had consequences that David had to endure which included the death of that child.

Another time he took a census of the people which was forbidden under Mosaic Law and he repented but was given a choice of consequences.

Moses struck the rock in the wilderness twice when God had said ONCE and was forbidden to enter the Promised Land as a result. God forgave Moses, but the consequence was still there.

Consequences are part of sin. God doesn't always remove us from consequences even though He forgives us completely.

I just want you to be free of any misplaced guilt over keeping good boundaries.

BTW read the book Boundaries by Drs Cloud and Townsend. It might be at your local library. They are Christian counsellors and this book they wrote set a lot of people free.

Hugs
Margery
The First Shall Be Last is a great Biblical book on boundaries too
 

yrrek

Well-Known Member
I just want you to be free of any misplaced guilt over keeping good boundaries.

BTW read the book Boundaries by Drs Cloud and Townsend. It might be at your local library. They are Christian counsellors and this book they wrote set a lot of people free.

Hugs
Margery
Thanks that’s pretty much how I feel. I don’t actually have any guilt. It’s more of an “I should have done that sooner” type of feeling. I will look for the book and try and read it. I started taking some classes so idk how much free reading time I’ll have.
 

yrrek

Well-Known Member
Well, with abusive ppl I've found zero contact works. Cut them off your Facebook, etc. This will cause them to try harder to contact you so be prepared for that. Be ok with getting restraining orders if they keep harassing you.

Sweet one, please get healing for your heart. I've experienced some of what you have, even suicidal ideation. Then Father God showed me that no one on earth's opinion matters compared to HIS. Look up verses that tell you who you are in Christ. We defeat satans lies with the Word!!! Xxxooo
They don’t talk to me anymore. We’re not in a bad place or a good place just silence. It’s been peaceful so I plan on keeping it that way.
 

daygo

Well-Known Member
I'm struggling right now. And, I'm not really sure why. My heart is so soft. Sometimes, I hate it. I hate that I care about people to the degree I do. Because I know what it's like to hurt, I will wound myself in order to keep someone else from being wounded. (In an emotional/spiritual sense). My family is going through some drama right now and I just can't handle it. I know that we are doing things the right way, maybe even more than what normal people would and we are being painted as horrible people. The family members who are raging against me don't have much... actually have never had much to do with me. They keep accusing us of being heartless because "You are not thinking about us. YOu are only thinking of your family." Which in reality it's true but they only contact me when they want something. Why does this bother me? Why do I care about people who've abused me and made me feel worthless? I hate this. I hate that I care so much about people who have NEVER and still don't care about me. Unless of course, it's to convince me to give them their way. They hate my husband now for something we told them 2 1/2 years ago that we would have to do. (Selling my grandma's house who passed in 2008 and the house was mine.) I'm accused of not caring about my family while at the same time they are trying to encourage me to leave my husband... because my kids will be okay. Like... they could buy this house... they could have bought it a long time ago. We have been in this limbo waiting for them to do this for 5 years. 5..... years..... I've always struggled with depression, anxiety and yes... suicide. They know this. They are the cause of the trauma that helped developed these mental problems. But they only see their side. They don't understand why we need to get this place out of our names. It's been a strain on our marriage. It's been a topic of tension. I've always wanted them to care about me. They never have. Please pray for my soft heart. I don't like hurting people's feelings. But even my pastor says I'm in a bad situation and need to get out of this. I just wanna cry. Sorry for the long... jumbled rant.
Feel for you, will pray for you.
 
Top