I need some advice on my friend's girlfriend

[RonJohnSilver]

My good friend, age 67, lost his wife about 6 years ago. He misses her a lot. Last year, he began dating? I guess a woman he had met. OK so far. They dated for several months until she asked him to buy her gifts, like her previous boyfriends had done. ???? Yeah, anyway, that led to a breakup...he was in the relationship for well, a relationship, she apparently, for money. (He's not rich but pretty well off). So, they avoided each other for about 4 months. At New Years, I asked him to spend it with us so he wouldn't be alone and he said he was back dating Miss X. She had contacted him a month before and said she was sorry, etc. and wanted to get together again. So, they're dating again...until, about a month later, maybe two, when they broke up again. Same reason, she asked him to buy her a car (new car, BMW no less). He refused and said he never wanted to hear from her again, again. Until two weeks ago. They are now dating again. I have said, in quite forceful terms, that he needs to dump her, forever. I reminded him of something our pastor said to the youth, that is, you marry who you date, so if you're not seeing someone as a potential life partner, stop dating them. He insists that they are just 'friends' and that he sees no future and just enjoys her companionship. He is a Christian, although he came to Christ later in life so I wouldn't call him 'mature' but further along than a new believer. He attends church regularly also. She apparently does as well although I confess, I have never met her. We have a Bible study together but she never comes because it conflicts with some long standing family events. I recognize that people can change. I've told my friend that I think he's making a mistake, that she's in it for his money. A couple of his other friends and his only child have said the same. And he saws that he knows, he understands but that he enjoys her companionship. I told him it's like going to a prostitute only without the sex. She gets money, he gets companionship. I'm really afraid they are going to marry, even though he says no, and honestly, I'm more afraid that he'll ask me to be best man. How could I do that when I feel it's a mistake. Every time we talk, I say, well, it's your money and your life. I think he's very lonely and desperate. But I can't do anything about that. I've helped him find a church, get involved with a ministry, meet people but, you know, like so many things, eventually the decision is his. So, to the question....anything else I can do? I do pray about her, today, I was thinking, well, Rahab was a prostitute or innkeeper, and she can to faith and is in David's lineage so people change. Paul, certainly, others. Still, though, to me, two strikes so quickly. Sounds to me like her true nature is coming out. So, what do you think? Am I out of line here? Should I just be nice to her when we eventually meet? Trust is easy to lose, hard to recover. Advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

 

[Carl]

Like you said the final decision is his to make. People close to him have all said the same thingl Lord maybe You can tell him in a way that he can understand.
Ron at this point I think prayer is the best choice for you.

 

[cheeky200386]

My good friend, age 67, lost his wife about 6 years ago. He misses her a lot. Last year, he began dating? I guess a woman he had met. OK so far. They dated for several months until she asked him to buy her gifts, like her previous boyfriends had done. ???? Yeah, anyway, that led to a breakup...he was in the relationship for well, a relationship, she apparently, for money. (He's not rich but pretty well off). So, they avoided each other for about 4 months. At New Years, I asked him to spend it with us so he wouldn't be alone and he said he was back dating Miss X. She had contacted him a month before and said she was sorry, etc. and wanted to get together again. So, they're dating again...until, about a month later, maybe two, when they broke up again. Same reason, she asked him to buy her a car (new car, BMW no less). He refused and said he never wanted to hear from her again, again. Until two weeks ago. They are now dating again. I have said, in quite forceful terms, that he needs to dump her, forever. I reminded him of something our pastor said to the youth, that is, you marry who you date, so if you're not seeing someone as a potential life partner, stop dating them. He insists that they are just 'friends' and that he sees no future and just enjoys her companionship. He is a Christian, although he came to Christ later in life so I wouldn't call him 'mature' but further along than a new believer. He attends church regularly also. She apparently does as well although I confess, I have never met her. We have a Bible study together but she never comes because it conflicts with some long standing family events. I recognize that people can change. I've told my friend that I think he's making a mistake, that she's in it for his money. A couple of his other friends and his only child have said the same. And he saws that he knows, he understands but that he enjoys her companionship. I told him it's like going to a prostitute only without the sex. She gets money, he gets companionship. I'm really afraid they are going to marry, even though he says no, and honestly, I'm more afraid that he'll ask me to be best man. How could I do that when I feel it's a mistake. Every time we talk, I say, well, it's your money and your life. I think he's very lonely and desperate. But I can't do anything about that. I've helped him find a church, get involved with a ministry, meet people but, you know, like so many things, eventually the decision is his. So, to the question....anything else I can do? I do pray about her, today, I was thinking, well, Rahab was a prostitute or innkeeper, and she can to faith and is in David's lineage so people change. Paul, certainly, others. Still, though, to me, two strikes so quickly. Sounds to me like her true nature is coming out. So, what do you think? Am I out of line here? Should I just be nice to her when we eventually meet? Trust is easy to lose, hard to recover. Advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

I agree with the above advice. Nothing more you can do but pray for him. He has it all the concerns and is still choosing to keep her around. Some people sadly have to learn the hard way. Then he can't blame anyone but himself. He obviously has many people in his life that love him enough to tell him what he needs to hear.

 

[Everlasting Life]

I think your previous advice to your friend was spot on. I mean, while gifts might be one's love language (which can be a genuine thing) this is gifting way out of line and out of normal expectations (personally I think demanding gifts is kind of tacky). Weirdly with dating lately, these kinds of gifts do get given and therefor maybe there are some expectations that have been pressed out of normalcy with this woman because of this. Who knows. But. Yeah. Red flag for sure!

Should I just be nice to her when we eventually meet?

You know, like others said, you've given your sought out advice and all you can do is pray for him for God's help. Perhaps further conversation might ensue.

However, if you do meet her it seems that having a charitable attitude for the sake of Christ and your testimony would be good. If this woman claims Christ I'd probably try to orient conversation towards the Gospel. Like, encouraging her to tell you about her testimony. Something casual like, "It's always great to meet a sister in Christ! Do you mind sharing your testimony? I love hearing how Jesus has impacted people's lives."

Perhaps she's not saved (only God knows) and needs to hear the Gospel again. Or perhaps she needs to mature in Christ and conversation might veer to an invite to a small group at church, etc. for that. Just something to think and pray on, maybe God might have a sort of divine appointment type of thing. And, as always, there's great biblical boundaries we have as Christians when we discern a situation that's got the Holy Spirit ringing our 'watch out!' bell.

This passage popped in my head with your question:

So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don’t give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, we must work for the good of all, especially for those who belong to the household of faith. Galatians 6:9-11

I'll be ing for your friend's situation and for God's further wisdom for you.

 

[Tall Timbers]

Still, though, to me, two strikes so quickly. Sounds to me like her true nature is coming out. So, what do you think? Am I out of line here? Should I just be nice to her when we eventually meet? Trust is easy to lose, hard to recover. Advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

You've talked to your friend. She seems to be a gold digger. I knew an old gold miner up here, he was a heathen type, and he was quite old. Every once in a while he'd come around with a new 30 something year old live-in girl friend. He was 80 something. He was wealthy from mining and he'd let the gold diggers know it. He'd leave gold nuggets around his house while he kept his real wealth safe. When the gold digger would get tired of the game after not benefitting financially, she'd scoop up those gold nuggets laying around and leave. He'd put out some more gold nuggets and go find himself a new gold digger. The gals were getting beaten at their own game. He's deceased now.

If you suspect some serious funny business going on, there are laws that protect us old folks, so you could at that time contact adult protective services and file a report with them, stating what you think is happening. At the end of the day there is only so much you can do for someone. There's always prayer, too.

 

[JamesSuth]

You've talked to your friend. She seems to be a gold digger. I knew an old gold miner up here, he was a heathen type, and he was quite old. Every once in a while he'd come around with a new 30 something year old live-in girl friend. He was 80 something. He was wealthy from mining and he'd let the gold diggers know it. He'd leave gold nuggets around his house while he kept his real wealth safe. When the gold digger would get tired of the game after not benefitting financially, she'd scoop up those gold nuggets laying around and leave. He'd put out some more gold nuggets and go find himself a new gold digger. The gals were getting beaten at their own game. He's deceased now.

If you suspect some serious funny business going on, there are laws that protect us old folks, so you could at that time contact adult protective services and file a report with them, stating what you think is happening. At the end of the day there is only so much you can do for someone. There's always prayer, too.

That was a very insightful post, @Tall Timbers so I liked it. But I have to admit the thought of a 'gold digger' taking real gold nuggets from an actual gold miner was amusing.

 

[mattfivefour]

Ron, you are not out of line. You have done your best to help this friend; but if he chooses to disregard your sound advice (not to mention that of his family) then he will pay the price. It is sad, but you cannot take away his free will ... despite the fact he is likely harming himself with it. (I imagine the way you feel is the way God feels with all of us at times.)

 

[Armor of Light]

Your friend knows this woman is not a good fit , the Lord has helped him decide to shut the door on her twice, just keep in prayer that he guard his heart and stay close to his savior. If want something but it's not right for us we can still choose that option, but it will come with pain, praying your friend moves on without her and suffers nothing.

 

[Kerbluey]

Agree with everyone else including being nice to her as unto the Lord, as difficult as that may be. It’s so hard to watch someone you care about do dumb things. Praying the Lord brings a nice Christian lady into his life if that’s His will.

 

[6scalearmy]

I’m going to be blunt. Sounds to me that the sex is too good to pass up. He knows full well she’s not for him, but the jezebel spirit has a sneaky way to entrap a man. Especially when the man is lonely and in need of affection. I would ask your friend if this is going on. If so, sit and pray together. When two or more gather in prayer, that prayer takes on more power. Some battles in the on going war, against the principalities of darkness, just need a little more fire power. Fight the good fight my friend.

 

[daygo]

Stay clear is my advice it's obvious what she wants and it's not him.

 

[Jojo4124]

You've talked to your friend. She seems to be a gold digger. I knew an old gold miner up here, he was a heathen type, and he was quite old. Every once in a while he'd come around with a new 30 something year old live-in girl friend. He was 80 something. He was wealthy from mining and he'd let the gold diggers know it. He'd leave gold nuggets around his house while he kept his real wealth safe. When the gold digger would get tired of the game after not benefitting financially, she'd scoop up those gold nuggets laying around and leave. He'd put out some more gold nuggets and go find himself a new gold digger. The gals were getting beaten at their own game. He's deceased now.

If you suspect some serious funny business going on, there are laws that protect us old folks, so you could at that time contact adult protective services and file a report with them, stating what you think is happening. At the end of the day there is only so much you can do for someone. There's always prayer, too.

Yes, many ppl, men n women are gold diggers. I have seen many ppl get married in older years, get dementia, the spouse as pow changes the will, etc. I have seen children get zero cuz a greedy new spouse takes all.

Gifts are just that. Not to be demanded. Red flag there!

 

[Jojo4124]

Its difficult to see our loved ones make choices that are harmful for them! You are a great friend, and you showed him truth.

Maybe now encourage him to get closer to Jesus. Jesus REALLY does fill our needs...lonliness, etc. As he draws near to the One Who created him, Father God will give him wisdom. But seeking God comes first, then wisdom in imparted.

Praying your friend, n all of us, let go of things of this world. The world has nothing like GOD does! I pray he finds his satisfaction in Him. Even a spouse cant give you what God can.

I didnt know about the dark triad personalities, and I married 2 of them. Hell on wheels. God says from such turn away. He doesnt want us to live under any kind of abuse....financial or otherwise

Some ppl in the world are devoid of empathy (narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths...etc) someone without empathy is virtually non rehab-able. They dont feel remorse at all and dont think theres anything wrong with them. Mannnny pastors are narcissistic like (in the ministry...I saw lots) while we cant diagnose others, God does...He says to fruit inspect. Actions, especially when someone is inconvenienced or angry, show you who a person really is....I refer to consistent behavior.

Like abusers....a researcher on abusive ppl said they rarely stop abusing because they enjoy the benefits of abusing.

Ppl stay in abuse bc they think the abuser has empathy and will eventually understand. Not usually. You can not be good enough, etc to try to get a dark triad to change. God can do anything. But look how the Pharasees (narcissistic like) reacted to Jesus' pointing out their abuses of their power positions. These ppl rarely admit wrong. Jesus called them vipers n white washed tombs. Jesus didnt hang out with them, or encourage anyone to marry them!

Your friend can do an empathy test on this woman. Ask her questions that show whether she can genuinely show feelings for others' pain, walk in their shoes. What was her part in her past failed relationships? If she did nothing wrong in all of them...red flag! Gotta be able to humble ourselves in relationships...admit n repent of wrong doing. No one is perfect...