I Don't Know...

[Aiyanna]

So.... Ted and I are starting a new life in Florida. We're going to be moving into our first rental. Our first place.
Ted is and has been talking about having kids. On the one hand, I don't feel ready. I want to wait a year or two. On the other hand I'm struggling with a deep depression I haven't been able to communicate to Ted or anyone. I feel like it's too late now. I'm 31. I'm too old. My 20s were a waste. I wasted it. I was stuck at home, no car, no life, nothing wishing God would just take me. I remember vividly not wanting to live to be 30.
Now I'm in my 30s, life has finally taken off. I finally have a decent job and the Lord has chosen to bless me in it. And I have a husband who loves me and wants a family with me. And yet, all I can come back to is that deep ache in my chest saying "it's too late. I never had a chance, and now it's gone".
I've shared my struggles with eating disorder, anxiety, depression, poor self-image; maybe it all ties together. I'm afraid my body will never come back after kids and my husband will lose his desire for me. I'll be a mess not worthy of my husband or my kids.
I'm sorry I'm going on so.... I just needed somewhere to pour it out. I tried with my mom and all she said was "Well, if you're going to have kids, you better not wait too long" and, though true, it just made it all 100x's worse. Now it's urgent, but I'm not ready and I'm too old. And the depression and anxiety sit in my chest like a sick knot.

 

[Tall Timbers]

Live for each day, sweetie. Make the most of each. Pray away any baggage from yesterdays. Don't stress over things, let God work his will in your life. Love your husband and together, walk in the Lord.

 

[LindaLove]

Almost everyone I know had their healthy children in their mid to late 30’s, so it breaks my heart to hear you say you are too old, because that is just not true. There is nothing wrong with waiting like you said a year or two or you may change your mind next month, but let God guide you. Let God also fight the battles with the eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and poor self-image. I think these types of battles are so common at your age and it helps when women talk about them with other women, rather than trying to hide them. Try to find a women's bible study group to join. I think you would really like that fellowship. There are also some great deliverance books out there that have helped me in these areas as well. You have such a great life ahead of you that you are just beginning to live and it’s no-where near too late, so cast those thoughts out of your mind and enjoy your new home life and marriage.

 

[Everlasting Life]

So.... Ted and I are starting a new life in Florida. We're going to be moving into our first rental. Our first place.
Ted is and has been talking about having kids. On the one hand, I don't feel ready. I want to wait a year or two. On the other hand I'm struggling with a deep depression I haven't been able to communicate to Ted or anyone. I feel like it's too late now. I'm 31. I'm too old. My 20s were a waste. I wasted it. I was stuck at home, no car, no life, nothing wishing God would just take me. I remember vividly not wanting to live to be 30.
Now I'm in my 30s, life has finally taken off. I finally have a decent job and the Lord has chosen to bless me in it. And I have a husband who loves me and wants a family with me. And yet, all I can come back to is that deep ache in my chest saying "it's too late. I never had a chance, and now it's gone".
I've shared my struggles with eating disorder, anxiety, depression, poor self-image; maybe it all ties together. I'm afraid my body will never come back after kids and my husband will lose his desire for me. I'll be a mess not worthy of my husband or my kids.
I'm sorry I'm going on so.... I just needed somewhere to pour it out. I tried with my mom and all she said was "Well, if you're going to have kids, you better not wait too long" and, though true, it just made it all 100x's worse. Now it's urgent, but I'm not ready and I'm too old. And the depression and anxiety sit in my chest like a sick knot.

 

[Hsmommy]

I had my first child at 31, second at 34 & third at 42. If you are healthy, things should be fine. As TT said, take it one day at a time.

 

[Carl]

Praying the Good Lord work things out for you two!

 

[Nemophilist]

Aiyanna, you may need to get some help for your anxiety and depression. Many of us have struggled with it too, so we understand! Remember, Jesus loves you sooo much, and with Him, ALL things are possible!

 

[cheeky200386]

I just had Peter last year, my first, and I was 34 years old. Mike and I may try for a second next year when I'll be 36 years. I also worried it was too late and I was too old, but God gave us a healthy child. I had no issues in my pregnancy either.

My body bounced right back after 6 months. I actually weigh a little less from before I got pregnant. Breastfeeding helped me there. Just stay healthy, and more importantly obey the Lord. He'll take care of the rest.

Remember God tells us to "Take every thought captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ". Research shows the average person has 40,000 thoughts each day. It looks like your brain has mastered thinking negatively and Satan exploits this. Please get some supports to encourage you and practice challenging every thought and replacing them with scriptural truth.

God bless you!

 

[Everlasting Life]

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

.....For I hold you by your right hand—
I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.

Isaiah 41:10, 13

 

[Aiyanna]

Thank you everyone. There's a tiny Calvary Chapel nearby here in Pensacola. I've thought many times of popping in. I know I need to seek some kind of Godly fellowship. I'm just scared to look. There seem to be more cultic type churches than good solid ones these days.

Talking about it, through it, helped and everyone's wise responses definitely helped lift me. I keep going back to "my life has been a waste" but somewhere in my mind I know that God's timing is always perfect. Maybe He was preparing me. He knew I would move miles and miles away from everyone and everything familiar. Maybe He saw that I needed a longer "growing season."
It helps knowing that others have waited till later in life to have kids. I'm not alone in that. The internet is a scary place. When I did a search on having kids late in life, all it did was give me the benefits of starting young, and all the health issues that come with later life pregnancies. Yeah, that definitely helped, thanks google.

Thank you everyone for reminding me to turn my eyes upon Jesus.

 

[Everlasting Life]

Just remember, this life is only the very short beginning of our very long eternal life.

Another words your life is muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch longer than here on earth.

To have an earth only perspective can rob one of a healthy perspective. God sees us with a wonderful, eternal perspective. So, events in our lives may not make earthly sense but sure does make eternal sense.

That means we can implicitly trust God in the loving work in our lives through various events we go through, knowing that He has our very, eternal, greatest good for us in His heart.

 

[caligal]

What side of Pcola do you live on Aiyanna? I live just north of I-10 in what they call Gonzales. Pensacola is known as the city of churches. I don't understand why you think of the 30s as too old? Right after WW2 many of the babies born were to mothers in their 30s.

 

[lightofmylife]

I had my daughter at 31, and my son at 32. They are a year and 5 months apart, and my son's son and daughter are a year and 5 months apart. They were born in the years March 1984 and August 1985. My birthday is October 6th.

 

[crystal spyder]

So.... Ted and I are starting a new life in Florida. We're going to be moving into our first rental. Our first place.
Ted is and has been talking about having kids. On the one hand, I don't feel ready. I want to wait a year or two. On the other hand I'm struggling with a deep depression I haven't been able to communicate to Ted or anyone. I feel like it's too late now. I'm 31. I'm too old. My 20s were a waste. I wasted it. I was stuck at home, no car, no life, nothing wishing God would just take me. I remember vividly not wanting to live to be 30.
Now I'm in my 30s, life has finally taken off. I finally have a decent job and the Lord has chosen to bless me in it. And I have a husband who loves me and wants a family with me. And yet, all I can come back to is that deep ache in my chest saying "it's too late. I never had a chance, and now it's gone".
I've shared my struggles with eating disorder, anxiety, depression, poor self-image; maybe it all ties together. I'm afraid my body will never come back after kids and my husband will lose his desire for me. I'll be a mess not worthy of my husband or my kids.
I'm sorry I'm going on so.... I just needed somewhere to pour it out. I tried with my mom and all she said was "Well, if you're going to have kids, you better not wait too long" and, though true, it just made it all 100x's worse. Now it's urgent, but I'm not ready and I'm too old. And the depression and anxiety sit in my chest like a sick knot.

If you don't feel ready to have a child, don't.

Someone who loves you will not pressure you to go against what you know are the best interests of yourself and the life you'd be responsible for.

Sometimes issues like this tear couples apart. If that happens maybe consider that's because God has someone in mind that you haven't yet met.

 

[GotGrace]

So.... Ted and I are starting a new life in Florida. We're going to be moving into our first rental. Our first place.
Ted is and has been talking about having kids. On the one hand, I don't feel ready. I want to wait a year or two. On the other hand I'm struggling with a deep depression I haven't been able to communicate to Ted or anyone. I feel like it's too late now. I'm 31. I'm too old. My 20s were a waste. I wasted it. I was stuck at home, no car, no life, nothing wishing God would just take me. I remember vividly not wanting to live to be 30.
Now I'm in my 30s, life has finally taken off. I finally have a decent job and the Lord has chosen to bless me in it. And I have a husband who loves me and wants a family with me. And yet, all I can come back to is that deep ache in my chest saying "it's too late. I never had a chance, and now it's gone".
I've shared my struggles with eating disorder, anxiety, depression, poor self-image; maybe it all ties together. I'm afraid my body will never come back after kids and my husband will lose his desire for me. I'll be a mess not worthy of my husband or my kids.
I'm sorry I'm going on so.... I just needed somewhere to pour it out. I tried with my mom and all she said was "Well, if you're going to have kids, you better not wait too long" and, though true, it just made it all 100x's worse. Now it's urgent, but I'm not ready and I'm too old. And the depression and anxiety sit in my chest like a sick knot.

 

[Mama Bug]

I had my daughter at 30, my son at two weeks shy of 34. My grandmother had my uncle at 41, my aunt was 41 when she had my cousin. They were all perfectly healthy. It’s not too late for you.

I too struggle with anxiety and occasionally depression. I’m struggling with anxiety right now as I type this. I’m worried that I may have to go back to work soon. I haven’t worked in 13 years. I’m terrified. I wish we lived closer so we could give each other a much needed hug.

 

[Epieikes]

Thank you everyone. There's a tiny Calvary Chapel nearby here in Pensacola. I've thought many times of popping in. I know I need to seek some kind of Godly fellowship. I'm just scared to look. There seem to be more cultic type churches than good solid ones these days.

Talking about it, through it, helped and everyone's wise responses definitely helped lift me. I keep going back to "my life has been a waste" but somewhere in my mind I know that God's timing is always perfect. Maybe He was preparing me. He knew I would move miles and miles away from everyone and everything familiar. Maybe He saw that I needed a longer "growing season."
It helps knowing that others have waited till later in life to have kids. I'm not alone in that. The internet is a scary place. When I did a search on having kids late in life, all it did was give me the benefits of starting young, and all the health issues that come with later life pregnancies. Yeah, that definitely helped, thanks google.

Thank you everyone for reminding me to turn my eyes upon Jesus.

Hi, Aiyanna! I'm not THAT far from you...central Alabama. We had our first when I was 29, and our second came 3 1/2 years later. It always helped me to find others who had waited, for one reason or another. For us, we wanted to get through seminary out of state (away from our families at the time)...and then, we were prayerful that it would happen while Daddy was still with us (terminal cancer). God's timing as always is perfect.

People are waiting later...and you're wise that the internet is full of more info/stories/stuff/fluff that needs discernment...so much so that if you're ever feeling low...DON'T GO THERE! (Unless you attach Christ-centered perspective with the search...)

Definitely try the CC in Pensacola! I'll be praying for your fresh start!

 

[Aiyanna]

I had my daughter at 30, my son at two weeks shy of 34. My grandmother had my uncle at 41, my aunt was 41 when she had my cousin. They were all perfectly healthy. It’s not too late for you.

I too struggle with anxiety and occasionally depression. I’m struggling with anxiety right now as I type this. I’m worried that I may have to go back to work soon. I haven’t worked in 13 years. I’m terrified. I wish we lived closer so we could give each other a much needed hug.

Me too

 

[Aiyanna]

Seems like there are many here not too far from Pensacola. We might even have crossed paths without realizing! Lol.

Fyi. Aiyanna isn't my real name. I just liked it more than my real name and thought it would be a cute online name.

 

[Aiyanna]

It's comforting to know I'm not alone in starting a bit later.
My head is full of silly ideas that only serve to tear me down instead of build me up. They make me look inward instead of outward. Make me ineffective as salt of the earth. I can see why the Bible says it's so important for fellow believers to gather and build each other up.

I'm moving to my new place this weekend. While the deep depression that settles in my chest whenever I allow myself to draw inward remains. I am so beyond grateful for how the Lord has provided for me and my hubby. I have messed up in so many different ways, and the Lord has provided. In spite of my weak faith and timid spirit, He has never failed me. I know where my help comes from. He has chosen to bless me in my place of work and He has given dh some amazing skills and a good job making more than enough to cover our new bills and payments.
Praise the Lord