How do you teach your kids about sex?

yrrek

Well-Known Member
I’ve been avoiding this subject and would rather just skip this altogether. However, I know I can’t. When do you talk to them about this? My son will be 12 soon. In my eyes he’s still that little baby. I was hoping my husband would take this but he says he doesn’t want to. It’s uncomfortable but if we don’t talk about it… I know he will get information from someone else. So what did you use? Is it too soon to have these conversations? He does know that kissing and showing physical affection is for marriage but we never talked beyond kissing and stuff like that. Sorry it’s so jumbled.
 

XSLaura

Well-Known Member
By 12 he’s probably already hearing things from peers. I don’t even know exactly what age we talked to the kids because we tried to answer any questions they brought to us at an age appropriate level so there wasn’t one big talk. We treated it as a natural thing and always stressed the truth of it from the Word. It would really be great if his dad stepped up because I would think a young man would be less embarrassed hearing it from his dad and not his mom especially if it’s been a hush hush topic until now
 

Leigh

Well-Known Member
We have two sons. I don't remember exactly, but with the older one my husband had the talk probably around age 12. (I don't remember them using any kind of written resources, although I'm sure there are some available.)

With the second one there was never a formal conversation. When he was a little older I kind of teased several times, "Oh no, we never had THE TALK with you," to which he quickly replied, "Please Mother - I'm in Boy Scouts - I heard all about it there!" He certainly didn't want me discussing it with him and neither did I!

XSLaura is correct in that by now your son has probably already heard things from peers, if not sex-ed class at school. But he definitely needs the Christian perspective. I wonder if Focus on the Family has anything you could use?
 

yrrek

Well-Known Member
We have two sons. I don't remember exactly, but with the older one my husband had the talk probably around age 12. (I don't remember them using any kind of written resources, although I'm sure there are some available.)

With the second one there was never a formal conversation. When he was a little older I kind of teased several times, "Oh no, we never had THE TALK with you," to which he quickly replied, "Please Mother - I'm in Boy Scouts - I heard all about it there!" He certainly didn't want me discussing it with him and neither did I!

XSLaura is correct in that by now your son has probably already heard things from peers, if not sex-ed class at school. But he definitely needs the Christian perspective. I wonder if Focus on the Family has anything you could use?
I looked up focus on the family and what I found really just stated why having the conversation is important. I would rather his dad talk to him but I figured I’d at least let my boys know they can come to me with any questions. It’s just the biology we have not brought up. That’s the part I feel like I’m uncertain when is the appropriate time to talk about it. I wouldn’t say it’s hush hush. Just don’t know what to say.
 

yrrek

Well-Known Member
I was 9 when my mom told me the basics so I wouldn't hear it in school. I remember saying "Ewww." :p Same year she told me about Santa.
I learned it from kids on the school bus. But my kids school has the elementary kids separated from middle and high school. This will be the first year my oldest has rode with older kids. My son isn’t into girls yet. He says he will be nice to girls but that’s it lol. I’m going to take it little pieces at a time. He’s not shy or gets embarrassed easily. It’s just awkward for me to talk about this.
 

Lynn

Longing for Home
I’m going to take it little pieces at a time. He’s not shy or gets embarrassed easily. It’s just awkward for me.
When our two grown sons were boys, maybe ages 8 & 11, don't remember exact ages when I decided to give them a bit of helpful information. I went to the library and checked out a book on this topic that was either written for kids or was appropriate for children.
(It's been awhile, they're in their 40's). Anyway, the three of us were on the sofa looking at the pictures together and I was reading/explaining what it was about. They also heard things at school. They've turned into very fine men, husbands and fathers, so must not have messed it up too bad. ;)
 

cheeky200386

Well-Known Member
My parents told me about sex when I was 10 years old. It was always an open door for discussion so I was never embarrassed. I even told my parents when I was planning to have sex for the first time and they reminded me on being "safe". My parents also gave me books on sex. It really helped me with my friends and I was often correcting them for the crazy things they would share. Same them about menstruation. I was looking forward to it and it was exciting because my mom had shared it with me beforehand. It was my body becoming a woman so she took me out to celebrate. Lol

Sadly it wasn't from a Godly perspective, which I will definitely want to include with my son. I'll have to see what my husband wants to do too. I hope to have the same trust and open relationship with my son about all matters.
 

Jonathan

Well-Known Member
I’ve been avoiding this subject and would rather just skip this altogether. However, I know I can’t. When do you talk to them about this? My son will be 12 soon. In my eyes he’s still that little baby. I was hoping my husband would take this but he says he doesn’t want to. It’s uncomfortable but if we don’t talk about it… I know he will get information from someone else. So what did you use? Is it too soon to have these conversations? He does know that kissing and showing physical affection is for marriage but we never talked beyond kissing and stuff like that. Sorry it’s so jumbled.
Kinda reminds me of a joke by comedian Bill Engvill that basically goes:

"Just recently, my wife and I came to the conclusion that it was finally time to teach our son about the birds and the bees. So I sat him down and told him, 'Son, it's about time we talked about the birds and the bees. Rather than make this awkward, just tell me everything you already know, and I'll fill in the rest, ok?' Well, it was only a few minutes after that, that I had a pen and a paper in my hands and I was taking notes!!!"

Seriously, in terms of "The Talk"

Don't skip it! Even though your kid(s) might already know the specifics already, it is very important that you, as their parent, acknowledge that we are all sexual creatures and them knowing that you know that is important.

Also, don't be uncomfortable about it. I don't have kids, but if I did, if it were a daughter, I'd probably leave it up to my wife to have the first talk and then, if needed, my daughter could ask me questions if she wanted. If I had a son, I think I would be the one to broach the topic.

Let them know that sexual desire is in no way sinful, it is how it is acted upon that is or is not sinful. Also clarify the vocabulary used in the bible. For example, for a long time I thought "Fornication" meant any sexual activity, whereas it really means sexual activity outside of marriage. Explain the definition of lust. For example, if you are sexually attracted to your wife/husband, is that lust? If so, is lust in that case ok?

Just make sure you give them support and let them know that the issue itself is not one to feel guilty about, but actually a gift from God. And also explain the difference between sinful sex and "good" sex.

The last thing you want to do is make it out to be is a taboo topic or something to be ashamed of.

Just my opinion, but that is how I would handle it as a parent.
 
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Mama Bug

Well-Known Member
A little at a time. My daughter came to me at 9 years old asking about transgender. At 10 she asked about something a kid said to her at school. I think she was 10 when I explained where babies come from. I kept it scientific and age appropriate. My husband probably needs to have the talk with our son. He's 11.
 

Ghoti Ichthus

Pray so they do not serve alone. Ephesians 6:10-20
Lots of great suggestions, already :smile

However you do this, use the proper terminology instead of slang. Slang can be discussed, but using the correct terms makes things clearer and less likely to be misunderstood, especially if the child isn't clear or correct about what a slang term means. Also make sure to carefully review any book, video, etc. you give your Son before-hand so you know if there are any moral or theological issues, omissions, great content, or questions that are likely to come up.

Maybe get a book for parents like How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child's Sexual Character (Jones and Jones). Make sure whatever book you pick is Christian because a lot of what's out there has PC instead of Christian values. Whatever you do, be prepared for *anything* including your Son already having had sexual activities, looking at pornography online, magazines, accompanied a girl to an abortion clinic or for contraception, putting a condom on a banana (some schools teach this), etc. If you don't know something, say so, and find an answer. Don't be afraid to set appropriate boundaries, but do encourage questions and lots of discussion, both during talk(s) and during *regular* interaction. If your Son asks about something, he's ready to hear the truth. These days, he might be looking for information about a news story or something that happened at school, and what was inappropriate to discuss at his age 30 or 50 years ago, might be both appropriate andnecessary now. If you're embarrassed, remember that God made sex, He declared it "very good," and we all had a Mom and Dad. The better you prepare him, the happier he and his future wife will be. Maybe incorporate a chastity/purity ring while you talk about sex, itself, and/or dating, marriage, etc. Earlier is better than later because of the culture and dangers out there. Since your Son is moving into adult topics and situations, a Life Application Study Bible/similar (available in various translations) might be good, too. Getting it embossed with his name and filling out the presentation page makes it extra special (if in doubt about which one, wait until after he "approves" the Bible so it can be exchanged).

There are some good Christian books, videos, and kits that are for parents, others for children, and some for both. Your denomination's publisher (if there is one) may have something. Maybe even a Bible study. Your Pastor might be able to help. Your denomination's website may have helpful resources.

Concordia Publishing House (cph.org) has some good sex education products. Search sex education on their website. Also a couple of anti-porn resources.

Institute for Creation Research (icr.org) has some good books and videos: Human Design: The Making of a Human Baby, The Human Body: Divine Engineering, and Discover Creation: The Miracle of Human Life

Focus on the Family (focusonthefamiy.com) has many free articles online.

Focus on the Family webpage with links to recommended (not free) resources
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/resources-sex-education/

Covenant Eyes has a Parent-Child Bible Study. They also have anti-porn resources.
I haven't seen the Bible study, so don't know how good it is or its theological basis. However, if Covenant Eyes is searched for on the Focus on the Family website, a bunch of free articles about porn, including among tweens and teens, come up.

LutheransforLife (utheransforlife.org) has a free nice video Touch of Life Fetal Models: A Presentation from the Chapel Life Team, which shows development of an unborn baby using 3-D models. Also information about abortion, adoption, contraception, bioethics, end of life, etc.

National Right to Life (nrlc.org) has information about abortion (and other life issues), including methodology.

Bible Baptist Publications (biblebaptistpublications.com) has some free resources online that could be helpful.


I've included the following because I learned a lot from what my parents did and didn't do, and what the church did and didn't do, and the outcome could have been horrible/disasterous. Also a few things that I found that were incredibly helpful.

How NOT to do it

When school was going to talk to girls and boys (separately) about puberty and biology in the 4th grade, Mom panicked and gave me the Playtex and Kotex booklets that were more about how to use the products and a limited amount of info about physiology. She didn't actually give them to me, she put them on the table and told me there were some things on the table and to take them into my room and read them. Of course I had no clue and a b'zillion questions. Mom was too embarrassed to answer anything. She was also naive, but I didn't know it then. So I went to Dad. Dad, of the old school of Mother talks to Daughters and Father talks to Sons about such things, referred me back to Mom. Mom still wouldn't answer any questions. I wrote her a letter with a b'zillion questions and mailed it. She never said anything about it and I found the letter in her dresser many years later when I was an adult.

The Pediatrician, who I absolutely detested, offered to talk to me and said if I was embarrassed, I could wear a bag over my head. Mom was in the room, so there was no way I could have said yes, even though I hated and distrusted him enough that I probably wouldn't have, anyway, but if Mom hadn't been in the room, who knows how that conversation/offer would have gone and I might have been more amenable. A few years later, when I saw the family doctor (a general practitioner), I would have talked to him if he had said anything or offered because I liked and trusted him, but he retired before I was old enough to realize I could have asked, especially since Mom wasn't in the room with me.

I learned a little about marriage by observing my parents as I grew up, but left home young enough/naive enough that I never thought to ask them about it or about relationships in general, and they didn't bring it up.

I didn't learn much from friends about sex, and nothing about relationships and marriage.

Ditto the Church. There was nothing in Confirmation Class, except the brief admonition, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. Not even an explanation of what adultery was. I was picked on/bullied/ignored in Youth (Teen) Ministry and didn't like or think very much about the Youth Group leader, so I immediately quit, so no idea if there was an opportunity there or not.

I ended up learning about sex in a semester-long college course called Human Sexuality at a very large, liberal, secular university. Even way back then, there was mention of homosexual and bisexual relationships, although it was still long enough ago that nothing about homosexual sexual acts.

God surely protected me because if I had dated the wrong guys . . .


Important:
These days girls and women are just as promiscuous and predatory as the boys and men, so it's important to teach avoidance of and extrication from situations, including avoiding dates one doesn't want to go on, or getting drugged and taken advantage of (not just at parties and bars; it can happen literally anywhere, even when no alcoholic beverages or recreational drugs are being served or consumed . . . *safe places* like schools, incuding during the school day, are not immune to this happening). The predator(s) can be male, female, or both. Sexual activity is starting very young. Some kids are having oral sex as early as in grade school, and girls have gotten getting pregnant at 10 and 11 :cry It's not always an adult. Peer pressure is terrible and way beyond pressure to go someplace or do something. Especially with the PC threats of being called or even disciplined, bullied, or ostracized as being "homophobic," "transphobic," "racist," etc.

The really great things my parents did for me, reference dating was ensure I always had cash cab fare with me so I could leave (I kept it in my shoe, separate from all other money and didn't tell anyone I had it). They also told me if I ever needed to leave a date, one or both would come get me, no questions asked, and we would talk about it the next day. I did use the cab fare once, and it was replaced the next day, no questions asked, but no discussion, either. Anther thing they did for me was insist my date come to the door and meet them. Dad also told me if I had to hit anyone, to curl up my fist and make it count. I ended up acting on that advice :eek (Thanks, Dad) These days, even when teaching young gentlemen to respect ladies, it's also important to teach when and how it's appropriate and necessary to defend one's self. A girl or woman, who won't accept "No" and is forcing herself on, and thus assulting your Son, is not a lady.


God bless you as you navigate this very important aspect of your Son's education.


:pray :pray :amen :amen
 
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Ghoti Ichthus

Pray so they do not serve alone. Ephesians 6:10-20
Don't skip it! Even though your kid(s) might already know the specifics already, it is very important that you, as their parent, acknowledge that we are all sexual creatures and them knowing that you know that is important.

Also, don't be uncomfortable about it. I don't have kids, but if I did, if it were a daughter, I'd probably leave it up to my wife to have the first talk and then, if needed, my daughter could ask me questions if she wanted. If I had a son, I think I would be the one to broach the topic.

Let them know that sexual desire is in no way sinful, it is how it is acted upon that is or is not sinful. Also clarify the vocabulary used in the bible. For example, for a long time I thought "Fornication" meant any sexual activity, whereas it really means sexual activity outside of marriage. Explain the definition of lust. For example, if you are sexually attracted to your wife/husband, is that lust? If so, is lust in that case ok?

Just make sure you give them support and let them know that the issue itself is not one to feel guilty about, but actually a gift from God. And also explain the difference between sinful sex and "good" sex.

The last thing you want to do is make it out to be is a taboo topic or something to be ashamed of.
Amen!

Except for the same-gender parent. It's going to depend on the child and parent(s) involved.

It's important that the child get both parents' perspectives and learn by talking with both parents (and other trusted adults), especially about marriage, relationships, dating, and communication.

Maybe I'm weird, but I would have rather had The Talk with Dad for a whole lot of reasons. One of which actually having The Talk. Mom was too embarrassed and naive to even do it, let alone do it effectively, but she did effectively teach me to be embarrassed through her embarrassment and avoidance. It took a long time for me to learn otherwise.
 

ChildofLight

Well-Known Member
Well, I never had “the talk”. Living on the farm we were around livestock in the, ahem, reproducing stage sometimes. Embarrassing. I just knew, if that makes sense. It was fascinating watching the babies being born or hatched.
I just wish I had known that there was truly such a thing as growing pains. I was baffled by aching hurting bones when I was about 15 or 16. I didn’t know about growing pains till a cousin had them really bad. She had to have medical treatment.
 

Lynn

Longing for Home
Well, I never had “the talk”. Living on the farm we were around livestock . . .
Child of Light, in my opinion, this is the healthiest way to learn about reproduction. It designed by God for all of His creation. It's wholesome, it's pure, and nothing to be kept from the young ones. It's even better if you have godly parents or grandparents who can share these reproductive moments on the farm through the lens of our Creator's eyes.
 

Leigh

Well-Known Member
Child of Light, in my opinion, this is the healthiest way to learn about reproduction. It designed by God for all of His creation. It's wholesome, it's pure, and nothing to be kept from the young ones. It's even better if you have godly parents or grandparents who can share these reproductive moments on the farm through the lens of our Creator's eyes.
I read an article one time that said pretty much the exact same thing... you just stated it more eloquently! :)
 
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