I don't have any words, just a hug.I've dealt with thoughts of suicide, but, in the years that I have I can say that the thoughts of suicide we're not always the same. Not until I took medication did I ever have any thoughts of suicide and then when I came off of them I had "suicidal ideation" that was so bad because it was chemically induced! This lasted for almost 3 years until it was not to the same intensity and from that time forward till now, it is still with me due to the neurological damage but, it is not at all the intensity of what it used to be. Back then I was in survival mode with other drug induced symptoms like akathisia, psychosis and others, now it is not something I am overly thinking about, but, when symptoms in general are bad, pain is high or other "stressful" situations arise then I think of wanting to die just because I am tired.
I never wanted to die, I only wanted the suffering to stop. What made/makes matters worse is being so very ill and not having others around to help and or to show compassion. One can look good, o.k. but be suffering inside.
Today I am struggling horribly, it's been almost 20 years and when someone is sick for this long people just seem to be fed up and don't want to deal with it. I caught a virus last week and have been pretty much struggling to even get off the couch, although I do manage to do some things but I need help. As much as I'm sick, my relationship with DH is very difficult! No matter how much I ask for him to help by talking with me so that we can have things go better, it doesn't happen. Because of how sick I am I have just been a burden to him all these years, there is no intimacy and I am expected to just keep doing and being a wife the way I am expected to be. I really don't know how to deal with it anymore, but, I just keep doing it, I just don't know what to say to him anymore it always turns into an argument! I just can't keep up being a "normal" healthy wife when I'm not.
Then I fall into a state of deep depression and hate who I am and know that getting angry and saying things that are inappropriate are wrong and sinful and I just hate to continue on like this and that is when the thoughts of not wanting to live come back, but, as I said, they are not severe like it was 15 years ago. Now, I am just tired and don't know how to go on and I just don't want to be in this marriage anymore as I am not being the "child" of God that I should be and it is the same old same old.
I have known too many people over the years who have taken their lives because they we're suffering so so much, for years on end and it wouldn't stop. The last time it happened it was with a sister in Christ and it really was so so hard! I truly believe that those who think of suicide and do take their lives don't want to die, they just want the suffering to end. That suffering can be mental/psychological/emotional and physical. Yes, it is wrong, yes it hurts others, it is selfish, but it is also selfish to not care for someone who needs love and care and compassion during these times. I've also known people who did care for their loved one's when they we're suffering and I remember this one man who's wife quite her job for 2 years to be with her husband. I've known people who's lives we're completely torn apart, lost jobs, marriage and families torn apart.
God is what has kept me this far, yet, as I'm sharing this now, DH and I had another argument and I want all that to stop, it's been 30 years in a difficult marriage and almost 20 of them with me being very sick. Our 2 oldest children want nothing to do with us, we don't see our 4 grandchildren and it's all because of me. I know He loves me, I am keeping the faith and I am going to continue taking Him at His Word!
I'm scared of what the future holds as I'm getting older and as my health gets worse. I often think it would be better to be alone, but, I just keep praying and hoping that things will change.
My wife has spent the last 40 years in pain, chemo, grand mals and fought through the psychosis of meds. But through it all there was much joy. You are not alone out there. I pray your burden lightens, and that those in your life see the preciousness of mom, and a precious wife.