Christian Suicide

I've dealt with thoughts of suicide, but, in the years that I have I can say that the thoughts of suicide we're not always the same. Not until I took medication did I ever have any thoughts of suicide and then when I came off of them I had "suicidal ideation" that was so bad because it was chemically induced! This lasted for almost 3 years until it was not to the same intensity and from that time forward till now, it is still with me due to the neurological damage but, it is not at all the intensity of what it used to be. Back then I was in survival mode with other drug induced symptoms like akathisia, psychosis and others, now it is not something I am overly thinking about, but, when symptoms in general are bad, pain is high or other "stressful" situations arise then I think of wanting to die just because I am tired.

I never wanted to die, I only wanted the suffering to stop. What made/makes matters worse is being so very ill and not having others around to help and or to show compassion. One can look good, o.k. but be suffering inside.

Today I am struggling horribly, it's been almost 20 years and when someone is sick for this long people just seem to be fed up and don't want to deal with it. I caught a virus last week and have been pretty much struggling to even get off the couch, although I do manage to do some things but I need help. As much as I'm sick, my relationship with DH is very difficult! No matter how much I ask for him to help by talking with me so that we can have things go better, it doesn't happen. Because of how sick I am I have just been a burden to him all these years, there is no intimacy and I am expected to just keep doing and being a wife the way I am expected to be. I really don't know how to deal with it anymore, but, I just keep doing it, I just don't know what to say to him anymore it always turns into an argument! I just can't keep up being a "normal" healthy wife when I'm not.

Then I fall into a state of deep depression and hate who I am and know that getting angry and saying things that are inappropriate are wrong and sinful and I just hate to continue on like this and that is when the thoughts of not wanting to live come back, but, as I said, they are not severe like it was 15 years ago. Now, I am just tired and don't know how to go on and I just don't want to be in this marriage anymore as I am not being the "child" of God that I should be and it is the same old same old.

I have known too many people over the years who have taken their lives because they we're suffering so so much, for years on end and it wouldn't stop. The last time it happened it was with a sister in Christ and it really was so so hard! I truly believe that those who think of suicide and do take their lives don't want to die, they just want the suffering to end. That suffering can be mental/psychological/emotional and physical. Yes, it is wrong, yes it hurts others, it is selfish, but it is also selfish to not care for someone who needs love and care and compassion during these times. I've also known people who did care for their loved one's when they we're suffering and I remember this one man who's wife quite her job for 2 years to be with her husband. I've known people who's lives we're completely torn apart, lost jobs, marriage and families torn apart.

God is what has kept me this far, yet, as I'm sharing this now, DH and I had another argument and I want all that to stop, it's been 30 years in a difficult marriage and almost 20 of them with me being very sick. Our 2 oldest children want nothing to do with us, we don't see our 4 grandchildren and it's all because of me. I know He loves me, I am keeping the faith and I am going to continue taking Him at His Word!

I'm scared of what the future holds as I'm getting older and as my health gets worse. I often think it would be better to be alone, but, I just keep praying and hoping that things will change.
I don't have any words, just a hug.

My wife has spent the last 40 years in pain, chemo, grand mals and fought through the psychosis of meds. But through it all there was much joy. You are not alone out there. I pray your burden lightens, and that those in your life see the preciousness of mom, and a precious wife. :hug
 

Kerbluey

Well-Known Member
Rest In Him,

Your words brought tears to my eyes. I understand exactly how you feel. I too have health issues. I’ve been in physical pain 24/7 since 1999. I’m exhausted! I too feel like such a failure as a wife and a human. I struggle to get the bare minimum done. I have a good day occasionally, but they’re further and further apart. I feel like I’m in a slow agonizing death spiral. Just last week I spent several days crying and wishing I was dead to get away from the pain. I’m long past any suicide attempts, but I still dream of the release death will give me.

I just want you to know I’m praying for you and to give you a hug. When you stand before the Lord He will say to you “Well done, my beloved child. You ran your race well.”

{{{hugs}}}
 

Everlasting Life

Through Faith in Jesus
I just want you to know I’m praying for you and to give you a hug. When you stand before the Lord He will say to you “Well done, my beloved child. You ran your race well.”
Great post Kerbluey! Yes, I agree that the Lord will certainly be saying this. If I may say RestInHim and Kerbluey and those who are persevering in these kinds of conditions, your testimonies and examples are precious and so important!! If there is any purpose to be drawn from your situations this is certainly one of them.

Been :pray ing for strength moment by moment.......for you too Kerbluey. :hug


:pray
 

Kerbluey

Well-Known Member
Great post Kerbluey! Yes, I agree that the Lord will certainly be saying this. If I may say RestInHim and Kerbluey and those who are persevering in these kinds of conditions, your testimonies and examples are precious and so important!! If there is any purpose to be drawn from your situations this is certainly one of them.

Been :pray ing for strength moment by moment.......for you too Kerbluey. :hug


:pray
Thank you so much. :hugPrayers are ALWAYS appreciated. I used to believe I had to be a star in my race. An Olympic level runner. I don’t have the energy for that, and most importantly, God isn’t asking that of me. If nothing ever changes from here on out with my christian walk, if all I do is crawl to the finish line, I will still hear the words from Him that I said in my post to RestInHim, as will she.
 

RestInHim

Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry RestInHim, that you are dealing with a virus this week. :hug
Everlasting Life I'm so sorry for not coming back here sooner, please forgive me, I'm in a lot of pain, but, today I resolved to come by anyway because I wanted to express how thankful and blessed I am to have you and everyone who is praying for me and for all the encouragement! And, I know that you will be thinking of me. :) As, I am thinking and praying for you and others here also.


Yes, that's what's so hard about some of the health challenges out there. They are challenges effecting inside but the outside of the body does not reflect the degree that one is struggling inside, like one who may have a paralyzed or missing arm, etc. I certainly cannot say that I fully understand (at least to the degree of what you've gone through....and man, that's really tough!!!), but, when we were living in a place that had mold issues I was so very sick all the time and mentally foggy headed. But, looked just fine on the outside. I sometimes considered wearing a sick hat to show on the outside how sick I felt on the inside. Yet, I went through the motions of being the wife/mom the best I could. Now, that stemmed from my own pressure in that I wanted that for my family (I know that's what your desire is too).

I certainly can identify with the hopelessness a person can feel in just never feeling good or well. And then that sure would be compounded by having those around just not understanding or even not really caring about it. It can be so isolating, helpless and hopeless. :sad
I remember a story years ago, it was a story about suffering, but, using a spoon analogy. I don't have the story on hand, but, it went something like this.
When someone is sick and they only have so much energy it can be thought of as having to do whatever needs to be done while using the analogy of 10 spoons and that is all that person has for the day. Each spoon represents a task, such as getting dressed, bathing, making a meal, it could mean any task and when the 10 spoons are used up there is no more energy for anything else. Sometimes it may only be 6 spoons and sometimes it could be 13 spoons.
I'm sorry you have had to go through that and still deal with some ongoing health issues. Your going through this has not been in vain, God is using it to minister to others, your love and compassion and ability to empathize with others shines through here on the forum. I believe that those who go through the greatest testings and trials in life and who have trusted in God have been able to attest to His faithfulness and abounding grace and love.
As a wife/mom, yes, I/we do want to do the best that we can. I know for me that I did have some of that pressure from myself, but, not all of it was from me. Being sick for 18 years is hard on any relationship, but, now I am that much older and I need to learn to take better care of myself without feeling guilty. God is working on me as I learn healthy boundaries.

I am strengthened through His Word and have the peace of God knowing He loves me! Even in suffering their is peace and joy as I hold onto the hope I have in Him. Even Paul had times of great distress and sorrow and even felt hurt, even Jesus as He wept over Lazarus, but, Paul also said in Acts 20: 22-24

"And see, now I go bound in the spirit to Jerusalem, not knowing the things that will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies in every city, saying that chains and tribulations await me. BUT NONE OF THESE THINGS MOVE ME; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."


As Paul encouraged the Church at Corinth, we too can be encouraged in our trouble, in our sufferings for I KNOW and as God's children we KNOW and can TRUST Him and the work He is doing in us is a GOOD work and we need to REMEMBER that and sometimes to remind each other of that. We need to stay strong in His Word!

(Matt. 4: 4)
"But Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

AND

(2 Cor. 4: 17-18)

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you.

And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak, knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."



:hug :hug Realizing and coming to terms with our own limitations health wise is difficult enough, to be expected to live as if one didn't have health issues, particularly without support certainly adds another layer of disappointment, grief and frustration. Dear RestInHim, God understand very much the situation you are in. Try not to be overly hard on yourself, but take these regrets that you've not responded well with your family to God (I'm sure you do) and trust that you are forgiven and that the situation you are in is certainly taken into account. He understands how weak we are at times. :hug

Oh, RestInHim, :pray I can see and understand the round and around frustration you are having here and the battle of this on top of the health issues. I think your answers below are good ideas.

:pray

And, that's the thing. There comes a time when one has to realize their limitations and take care of themselves as they need to. It doesn't mean you're a bad wife, mom or friend or neighbor, etc. It just means that there are things you can and cannot do and it's as simple as that. It's unfortunate that there is so much backlash in your home with this, I'm so, so sorry. :hug
Because of the lack of understanding makes it all the more hard, but, I agree that I need to deal with my own limitations first and foremost and express them properly and allow others to "accept" or "not accept" them for what they are. It is wrong for me to believe that to not do more is unloving and I should not feel guilty or shame over any of this or to even think that if I don't then I am unworthy of their love.
Yes, He keeps us and staying in fellowship with Him.




Before I share this, know that in my case my husband is a kind and good man, but even so, it was very difficult for him to understand how much I was struggling and just couldn't do the things even I wanted to do. Same with our kiddos. At some point I just resigned myself that I had to just take care of myself lest I wasn't around to even be there for my family. There was one year that I felt that I was probably not going to live much longer, things were that serious. I don't know if my family really understand how serious things were. But that's ok, God knows and He's faithful and provided day by day. He still does.
:hug:hug It is hard for others to understand, they really can't, unless they we're to go through it themselves. That I can understand! And, for some it can be a difficult task to actually take care of someone and that is where it can cause a lot of upheaval in the marriage/family. But, thankfully we are not alone.. we have our Heavenly Father and His Word and He will go through it with us.


So, I figured out what my own boundaries were and had to stick with it. And if others were upset I just had to let that be their problem as I didn't even have the energy to respond (again, in my case there was care and concern but as you said, not looking ill outside whereas on the inside Star Wars was happening was challenging for my family to reconcile). Like you, I took things to God and just prayed every day for His strength and help to get though each day. And I just asked God to take care of whatever my family needed to do to understand. By God's grace my family has been able to comprehend what's been going on with me and while they may not understand the full extent of my illnesses they do work with me. RestInHim, I'm sure :pray ing for this for you!! :hug
And, what a comfort to know that we are not alone and that He has given us all we need to go through whatever comes into our lives. I need to learn to accept other's being upset over them not getting what they want! I know He is working on that with me though. It's hard, but, it's a good thing.


In the meantime, like you, I was on RaptureReady, RaptureForums, in God's Word just soaking up so much and growing in the Lord. In fact, if it weren't for the illness I struggled with and to a certain extent still do, I don't think I would have grown in Christ as much as I have.


Oh man, RestInHim, that is just so very tough, tough for them and tough for you. I'm so sorry for these things in your life. :hug The fact that you are here with us on R.F. is such a testament to God and His work in your life and gives Him glory RestInHim. :nod

I'm glad that you are here with us. I think that it's good for you to have not only those who can identify with you a bit in your struggles, but to receive spiritual support and positive things to think about in your life. :hug
I'm so thankful for the work He is doing in you, in me and in His Church.
I am glad that I am here also Everlasting, it is good for me and I know that it is good for me to be here for others too. :thankyou

I know, I can imagine that's how you would feel and as a woman, well we do like security. But, if I may most gently say, don't be afraid. I know you know this, but it's nice to 'hear' someone else say this......God is faithful and just as He's here now helping you, He's in the future, ready to help you. One day at a time my dear friend....and we are here with you. :hug
:thankyouYes, I know He will and I have everyone here too, and, yes, one day at a time. :)

Lifting you and others up in my PRAYERS
LOVE IN CHRIST JESUS
 

RestInHim

Well-Known Member
I don't have any words, just a hug.

My wife has spent the last 40 years in pain, chemo, grand mals and fought through the psychosis of meds. But through it all there was much joy. You are not alone out there. I pray your burden lightens, and that those in your life see the preciousness of mom, and a precious wife. :hug
:thankyou and :hugto both you and your wife HeIsEnough.

I'm sorry for the pain your wife has had to endure for so long. Your right, it is in our suffering that we experience the hand of God's grace and know what it is like to have suffered with Him. He is our JOY! Thank you for your loving reminder that I am not alone, we have each other. He is with us, He lives in us and He will never leave us nor forsake us. Thank you for your prayers and I will be keeping you and your wife in my :pray:pray:hug


ANNIE J. FLINT

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
 

RestInHim

Well-Known Member
Rest In Him,

Your words brought tears to my eyes. I understand exactly how you feel. I too have health issues. I’ve been in physical pain 24/7 since 1999. I’m exhausted! I too feel like such a failure as a wife and a human. I struggle to get the bare minimum done. I have a good day occasionally, but they’re further and further apart. I feel like I’m in a slow agonizing death spiral. Just last week I spent several days crying and wishing I was dead to get away from the pain. I’m long past any suicide attempts, but I still dream of the release death will give me.

I just want you to know I’m praying for you and to give you a hug. When you stand before the Lord He will say to you “Well done, my beloved child. You ran your race well.”

{{{hugs}}}
Oh sister, I am so sorry.:hug I too feel so deeply for others who are suffering and I think it is a good thing that we do. God allows us to go through suffering so that we to can minister to others who are suffering. That is a long time to go through suffering and it's true what they say that the longer suffering goes on, the harder it gets. Oh, Kerbluey, I don't believe you are a failure and as I too need encouragement when I feel this way, it is not your/our fault that we are going through this. We need to remember that God is allowing this for a reason and I do believe that He first wants to do a work in us, for us to draw closer to Him and to have a relationship with Him, to trust Him with our lives, with what He wants to do in us and through us.

I know that you know these things and I do not want to minimize your pain whatsoever, I know what pain does and can do. I go through exactly what you are going through Kerbluey, it is non stop. And, although suicide is not the answer and I have had those thoughts quite extensively in the past and they are not with me as much these days, I too still think of how nice it will be when this life is finally over. But, we must persevere in His grace, even if it is one hour or one minute at a time.
:thankyou for your prayers and I want you to know that I will be praying for you also. Keep the faith and stay strong in the Lord!:hug
 

Círeth

Purry, roary, one.
Coping with depression is a difficult problem. Thinking no one will miss you when you're gone is.a terribly bleak place to be. I've been there myself, down to writing out my suicide note. Other people aren't always a comfort either. One time I opened up about my struggles with depression, saying it had been going on for over a decade. I actually had someone ask me "Why don't you just kill yourself already?"

If I were to give a reason why someone should go on, it's that the black cloud doesn't last forever. The inner voices go away. External problems can be overcome. There are bigger and better things down the road for those who persevere. The big picture concept can be hard to sell to someone who can't see past their current predicament but it's true. Today I can say depression no longer rules my life. I went through the dark valleys and came out the other side, and am certainly glad I did.

It gets better. I'm just sorry many people never get to discover that for themselves.
Wow. How cruel and completely devoid of compassion. That makes me so angry.
 

Círeth

Purry, roary, one.
It’s so difficult to understand the level of hopelessness a person must be feeling to view suicide as the only way to solve a problem. I think it is hard for someone who has not experienced that state of feeling to communicate very effectively with the person feeling suicidal.

I knew a woman residency doctor who seemed to have it all. She was a smart, beautiful, kind and empathetic person. She was someone enjoyable to work with and I never knew that she was experiencing such dark emotions. It was never physically apparent, except that she was very slender. I just thought she was a lucky person who didn’t have to worry about what she ate.

She graduated and went to work in Eau Claire, WI as a family doctor. I found out a few years later that she had committed suicide and was saddened and shocked. What inner demons had she been fighting that weren’t obvious to those around her? She was someone who appeared to have it all together, but she must have been a very good actress. Because it had fooled quite a few people who had worked with her.

What are the best things to say or do when suspecting someone you care about is struggling? Is it even possible to help someone who has turned to thoughts of ending their life...:frown2:cry
Hug them and tell them that their pain is important, they're not a burden and that you'll be there to be a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes that's what someone really needs. When someone is suicidal it's because they want the pain to stop and they can't see another way out. They often feel alone and that they don't want to burden anyone else with their pain.

I have depression and I was once actively told, by my mother, to keep my pain to myself because she couldn't handle it. That cut me to the quick and made me feel unworthy of help. I still struggle to confide in people now because of that.
 

aldanielle

Well-Known Member
Unless you have truly been in that dark of a place, you don’t understand.

I had a friend commit suicide 3 years ago. He is in a better place. He isn’t suffering any more. He didn’t lack faith. He was sick. My mother’s sister committed suicide from postpartum depression. She was sick. There was zero issue with her faith.

Of course no one should kill themselves. That’s a given. BUT, I’ve known some strong Christians who killed themselves. It’s an illness.

This is like saying you shouldn’t die from diabetes or heart disease. Sometimes, disease just kills you. Mental illness takes a different approach to that. It has NOTHING to do with the person. Having the courage to take your own life successfully shows just how powerful the disease is.
 

Kerbluey

Well-Known Member
RestInHim, thank you. {{{{{hugs}}}} I read the spoon story a few years ago and have been using it ever since. I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve been praying for you and everyone here.

HeIsEnough, you and your wife are in my prayers. I pray God gives you both an abundance of grace. {{{hugs}}}}

Cireth, I’m so sorry your mother was so cruel. Things like that leave such a deep scar. You have a loving and accepting family here. {{{{hugs}}}}
 

RestInHim

Well-Known Member
Hug them and tell them that their pain is important, they're not a burden and that you'll be there to be a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes that's what someone really needs. When someone is suicidal it's because they want the pain to stop and they can't see another way out. They often feel alone and that they don't want to burden anyone else with their pain.

I have depression and I was once actively told, by my mother, to keep my pain to myself because she couldn't handle it. That cut me to the quick and made me feel unworthy of help. I still struggle to confide in people now because of that.

I'm so sorry Cireth. :hug Wish I was there to give you a HUG in person. Depression is hard and some people think you can just pull yourself up by your boot straps and make it all better, but, it is no different than any other illness and you can't just make it stop. People who go through any kind of emotional/mental/psychological issues need love and compassion. I too struggle with being able to confide, trust people after so many unkind remarks, judgment and criticism and especially in those who profess to be Christians and family. It hurts.

God knows how much you and all of us hurt and He wants us to draw closer to Him, He cares and loves us and I know that I am trying to keep my thoughts on His love for me more and more as I draw closer to Him. I tend to be hard on myself like you mentioned, it makes us feel unworthy and I then start to look at every thing that could be so wrong with me, (I know I'm not perfect, I know I still sin, we all do and He is working in us) but, that is not true, we are His creation and He loves you/us.

Merry Christmas and Love :pray:hug
 

RestInHim

Well-Known Member
RestInHim, thank you. {{{{{hugs}}}} I read the spoon story a few years ago and have been using it ever since. I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve been praying for you and everyone here.

HeIsEnough, you and your wife are in my prayers. I pray God gives you both an abundance of grace. {{{hugs}}}}

Cireth, I’m so sorry your mother was so cruel. Things like that leave such a deep scar. You have a loving and accepting family here. {{{{hugs}}}}

Ah, thanks for the :hug Wish we could do it in person, we'll have to wait till we see each other in the not to distant future. ;)

And, thanks for your :pray and :pray for you too. Pain is really bad the past 2-3 weeks. Praying it let's up some soon.
 

Kerbluey

Well-Known Member
Ah, thanks for the :hug Wish we could do it in person, we'll have to wait till we see each other in the not to distant future. ;)

And, thanks for your :pray and :pray for you too. Pain is really bad the past 2-3 weeks. Praying it let's up some soon.
I’m so sorry it’s been extra bad. I’m praying God fills you with grace and relieves your pain, RestInHim.
 

yrrek

Well-Known Member
Ah, thanks for the :hug Wish we could do it in person, we'll have to wait till we see each other in the not to distant future. ;)

And, thanks for your :pray and :pray for you too. Pain is really bad the past 2-3 weeks. Praying it let's up some soon.
I’ve felt like that too. Jesus often reminds me that all my pain and tears will be worth it in the next life. He will repay every moment like he did with Job. I hold onto that when I feel extra down. In the word it says he keeps our tears. Psalm 56:8
 
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