1999-Our First Adoption

**ftwspursfan** · February-26th-2010, 01:47 AM

OK, this will be a series of posts as I tell the story of our first adoption.

By Nov of 1998, Cherie and I had been married for just over 8 years and still were not parents. We had tried many things except IVF and had no success. My wife nervously talked to me after church and asked if I would pray about adopting. I didn't have to pray b/c I knew that was the route we should take! She was completely relieved that I was enthusiastic about adoption. She had told me way back when we were dating that pregnancy would be difficult if not impossible for her and I had told her that we would adopt back then.

Infertility is not fun at all! It is very painful to see all your friends, who got married at the same time as you, become parents. We had a lot of joy for our friends but there were plenty of times when hearing that someone was pregnant just caused us to go home in tears. We did not want to be 'aunts and uncles', we wanted to be a dad and a mom! Adoption does not resolve infertility; that grief remains.

Our closest friends were also dealing w/infertility and so that just strengthened the bond between the 4 of us. When we told them that we were going to look at adoption, they got excited b/c they had just recently decided the same thing. Our SS teacher worked for a children and family svcs ministry that also had a large adoption agency. Cherie did a ton of research on agencies and liked the one that our SS teacher worked for. So we decided to go to an international adoption meeting in Jan of 99.

We could not get out of the international meeting fast enough! We knew immediately that the Lord was not leading us to adopt internationally. I can't really explain and we have nothing against international, we just knew it was not the right choice for us. Our friends had gone through the same thing regarding international and we heard about a domestic meeting that was scheduled for March. The 4 of us decided we would go to that one together.

**ftwspursfan** · February-26th-2010, 01:48 AM

That mtg in March was a fun trip. We went to lunch and my car's oil light came on. We got some oil and got to the meeting. This meeting was amazing! Cherie and I could not fill out the initial paperwork fast enough! My friend's wife goaded him into filling out the paperwork also. We had no intention of competing w/each other and God worked that out as you will see. The agency does open adoption only and while that seemed a little scary, we just knew that the Lord was leading us this way. We carefully got the car back to a shop after the mtg and we still laugh about that trip to Dallas.

The initial paperwork was for a background check and some basic intro stuff. The packet that came home with us was much more intense! We spent a month filling out a long questionaire, getting pastors and friends to write reference letters, long paragraphs on our salvation experience and our walk with the Lord. The hardest one was a 1 to 2 page summary of why you want to adopt, explain how you view parenting, talk about any infertility issues, and how you see the Lord guiding you in this decision. I got mine done and then Cherie wanted me to help w/hers!! We also had to take pics of our house and us, and get a copy of our marriage cert and various other docs. We got ours done by mid-April and our friends did not do theirs as they were still contemplating domestic adoption. Now events sped into warp-speed!!

A week later, the agency called for a phone interview and to invite us to a 2-day seminar on open adoption. The seminar was in early May! Fortunately, I was in automotive parts sales and my job was very flexible. At that March mtg, we got to hear from an adoptive and birth family and it was really pretty cool how things seemed to work. At the May mtg, we again got to hear from families talking about their journey and this mtg was much smaller and we got to ask many questions. Open adoption was a different concept, yet the Lord really spoke to us that He was still leading us in this direction. We met 3 other couples and we all bonded very quickly. None of us felt like it was a race to be won and we all connected re:infertility.

**ftwspursfan** · February-26th-2010, 01:49 AM

All states have different laws regarding adoption. Texas is very pro-adoption and the laws regarding terminating parental rights are iron-clad. Open adoption agreements are not legally binding in TX and they are just guidelines for what you would like to see happen between you and the birth family. There is a 6 month waiting period in TX between placement and finalization. The state takes a hard look at you via the adoption agency before you go to court to finalize an adoption.

At the 2-day seminar, we went over the laws, the open adoption agreement, what open adoption can look like (believe me, no 2 adoptions are the same), home study, building your profile, and education requirements. We had to read 2-3 open adoption books and attend monthly support group meetings while we were in the 'book' and every month between placement and finalization. It was a bit overwhelming, but we took the challenge head-on. 2 of the couples were already in the book and the other had just turned in their rough draft, so we felt like we were a bit behind. It was all good though.

By early June, one couple had matched and another couple was having a match meeting. We were finishing our rough draft and getting our pics together. By late June, those two couples had little girls and we were very excited for them!! As a side note, I had a great Father's Day knowing I was finally going to be a father soon. Plus my Dallas Stars had just won the Stanley Cup and my Spurs were in the finals getting ready to win their first NBA Title!!

**ftwspursfan** · February-26th-2010, 01:50 AM

By July, we were getting a bit antsy waiting on the agency to return the rough draft so we could make corrections and get in the book. On the 9th, a social worker called to see if we would allow her to show our rough draft to a girl she was working with. She had had a match fall apart and they needed to look at profiles again. We said YES! On Sat the 10th, we got a call about having a match mtg on Tues the 13th. We had already prayed a ton and we said YES. That Monday, another social worker came out for our home study. It was barely more than just talking w/her about our match meeting and going over the profiles of the potential birth family.

The next day, we met our birth family and we bonded quickly. The birth mother was 16 and very nice and the birth father was 17 and a bit embarrassed at being there. Her parents are not much older than us and we connected with them. They are a strong Christian family that was devastated by what had happened. We met w/them for a couple of hours and by that evening, all of us had prayed and decided to match.

She was due to have a boy by late Aug and we met w/them every week. Cherie got to go to Dr visits and we really enjoyed getting to know them. Our open agreement was interesting b/c they wanted a lot of contact. She has 3 sisters and they were all pretty young. She was the 2nd child. We reached an agreement and we just prayed that we could deal with all of this. The other thing we had to come to terms with was that it was not done until the baby was born and she signed the termination of rights paperwork. In our hearts, this boy was ours!

**ftwspursfan** · February-26th-2010, 01:53 AM

On Aug 31st, she went to the hospital, but she got sent home. Her 17th b-day was on the 2nd but she went to the hospital and her son was born on Sep 1st. They called us immediately and we got there just after he was born. We got to go in the room pretty quickly and I was holding my soon-to-be son when he was 1 hr old!!! We spent a lot of time at the hospital and by Sat night the 4th, we had a placement ceremony and brought our son home. Also, that last family from the May mtg brought their son home later in September.

Many adoptive families in open relationships use the name the birth mother named the child. Most use that name as a middle name, but we loved the name and so our son has that name as his first name. In fact, our birth mother used the middle name we picked out on the original birth certificate. The next 6 mos went just as fast and I'll quickly highlight them.

At 1 month, our Dr discovered that our son's skull plates had fused prematurely. We had to have surgery on his head at 4-1/2 mos old to correct the sagital synostosis. We learned all about boundaries, as our birth family was all over us. We love them but they were a swarm that was wearing us out especially with a surgery to deal with. My job fell apart and we ended up moving back to San Antonio just before the end of the 6 month waiting period. Our birth family was not happy about that! It ended up being a good thing even though we moved back to DFW by Mar of 2001. The distance gave us a break and it enhanced our relationship w/all of our birth family. Our birth father left his mom's house and moved away. We don't have much of a relationship w/him but we do still see his mom.

Open adoption is all about what is best for the child. If a relationship is not healthy, then we use boundaries to protect our children regardless of who that is. Our birth family has seen our son get baptized and hundreds of other things in his life and he is blessed to have so many people who love him. Some people get concerned with whether our children are 'ours' and they can go jump in a lake. Believe me, my son is mine! I'll close with this that I tell many people, 'we are all born with a personality, but our character, who we really become, is learned' and I'm doing my best to make sure my kids have a strong character based on who Jesus is. As a father; that is my prayer, my goal and my aim!

**ftwspursfan** · February-26th-2010, 01:56 AM

BTW, our friends went with us to the placement ceremony and came back to the house to celebrate. They were a huge support for us the entire journey and we got to watch them make the same journey a year later as they brought their son home! Tragically, the wife passed away of colon cancer in March of 2008. But they are doing great and he got married to a wonderful lady, who also lost her husband, in June of 2009!

The 4 families from the 2-day seminar are now celebrating their 10th year as friends and each of us have at least 1 son and 1 daughter through adoption. We are one of the quickest seminar groups to have placements in the agency's history!

**mattfivefour** · February-26th-2010, 07:51 AM

Thanks you so much for sharing this, Mike. What a beautiful story. God has blessed you.

**myinnuendo999** · February-26th-2010, 10:00 AM

Amen ftwspursfan, He indeed is your son and we are God's Sons by adoption also-Eph.1:5, Rom. 8:23, , 9:4

Thank you for sharing with us the wonderful blessings of how God has truly graced you and your wife' life.

I think of the verse in Psalm 127:1 "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat --for he grants sleep to those he loves. Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.".

Praise the Lord!!

**LivnForChrist** · February-26th-2010, 11:38 AM

It was such a blessing to read your story. Thanks so much
for posting.

**ftwspursfan** · February-26th-2010, 08:06 PM

At 1 month, our Dr discovered that our son's skull plates had fused prematurely. We had to have surgery on his head at 4-1/2 mos old to correct the sagital synostosis. We learned all about boundaries, as our birth family was all over us. We love them but they were a swarm that was wearing us out especially with a surgery to deal with. My job fell apart and we ended up moving back to San Antonio just before the end of the 6 month waiting period. Our birth family was not happy about that! It ended up being a good thing even though we moved back to DFW by Mar of 2001. The distance gave us a break and it enhanced our relationship w/all of our birth family. Our birth father left his mom's house and moved away. We don't have much of a relationship w/him but we do still see his mom.

Thanks for the replies; it has been a wonderful experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've had this saved somewhere else for quite some time and I realized that I never told how Zach's surgery went. He came out fine and the Dr was very pleased with everything. Zach has a perfectly shaped head now and he is an awesome 10yo!

I've never written Emily's story but I'll have to do that soon. There is some good stuff in her story as well. If anyone else has adoption stories, then please share them. If anyone needs to discuss adoption, I'm all ears. We have told our stories to many many people and we always enjoy talking about adoption!