Well here it is finally......

[light4mypath]

My Testimony


This testimony just skims over the top of what I have gone through. If I wrote it out in detail, I'm afraid I would have a novel. I have been in "3" abusive relationships. My mom (17 yrs), my first husband (12 yrs), and then another man (6 yrs). A lot has happened to me during those years, and I have noticed that although I am not physically abused anymore, people still tend to emotionally abuse me.


Growing up was a painful experience for me - even into adulthood. I have been abused most of my life. I am presently 45, and only in 1997 (11 years ago), did I get away from the physical abuse. I still seem to be a target for people to kick around, so to speak, but I have been given a wonderful gift from God- my husband. If it wasn’t for my husband I would still be a lost soul, for he brought me to Christ.

The things I am about to disclose to you are real. It is ugly and it is real. It happens every second of the day to people-EVERY SECOND, EVERY DAY. It is painful, it hurts way beyond comprehension, and it scars you for life. The biggest question we ask ourselves is,

“WHY ME-WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS”?

It can, does and will happen to people of all ages, nationalities, and both sexes. You don’t just have to be a woman, or a child, to be abused. It happens to men and elderly people as well. It can happen to ANYBODY.


I am an only child. I had often wondered why God wouldn’t give me a brother or sister, but I now understand fully why He didn’t.

I remember when was about 6 years old is when it all started happening. My mom had remarried again. Of course I was always in the way, and I couldn’t understand why, because before she married him, I was never in the way.
My mom worked at a bar, so I spent a lot of time there, and I was used to seeing her hang out with men, and so I never did get attached to any of them, I actually never even paid much attention to them. But, this man was different-he was very kind to me. The day they got married, after they picked me up from my new “aunt’s” house, I said “hi daddy”. My new aunt just thought that was so cute, and I could never forget it, because my mom gave me such an awful, hateful glare, that I almost didn’t ever call him that again.

It wasn’t long after that when the beatings began. I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t even walk right. My mom would tell me I waddled like a duck, and I would try to walk right, but that would just make her even madder, and she would beat me again. Everything I did had to done perfect. PERFECT. I tried so hard to please her, and the more I tried, the worse the beatings were. My grades had to be perfect. My room had to be perfect. She hated it when my step dad and I would play, and she would make me pay for it later. She would accuse me of getting into his drawers and looking at his playboy magazines - she would accuse me of stealing her money, and then hide it under my bed to make it look like I did – she would accuse me of all sorts of things – just to give her a reason to beat me.
By this point I was convinced that she wanted me dead.

I was starting to really resent my step dad, because since she had married him, all of this had begun.
(I realize now it her behavior wasn’t his fault)-

All of my clothes came from goodwill. I was only able to have 1 birthday party (when I was 8, and I think that was courtesy of my step dad), I never had any friends. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. Couldn’t go anywhere, couldn’t do anything. I had broken my right arm while flying a kite when I was 8 years old. I am right handed. I had to write left handed, which was a very difficult thing to do, well, because my handwriting wasn’t very good left handed I got beat for that, too. My mom insisted that I do my own writing, the school was going to let another student write my work for me, but my mom insisted I do it. I also had to wash the dishes, clean the house and cook. Well, the washing of the dishes pretty well took care of ruining my cast, which that got me grounded for a year, because she said I did it on purpose. The new cast they put on me was to tight around my hand and thumb, and it was cutting off the circulation to my thumb, it was a whole week before she took me back to the doctor, and I was in trouble for that, since it was my fault the cast got wet in the first place. I didn’t get hit over that because she had hit me several times before, and I raised my broken arm to block the blow, and her wrist came down on the cast, so she didn’t hit me anymore while I had the cast on.

Then the day came for the removal of the cast. I never wanted that cast off. I even begged the doctor to please leave it on just in case my arm wasn’t healed. But he took it off anyway. So, the beatings began again. She had found my diary, read it, and beat me until I could hardly walk. I had written that I hated her and I couldn’t wait to grow up so I didn’t ever have to see her and get hit on again. I had also asked God why I was even born. She was livid. I wanted to die. All I wanted was to be loved, and even at 8 years old, I knew this wasn’t love. My mom had never discussed God with me, but yet, I would ask God why I was born. She would call me things, like, stupid, little *****, b----, ugly, say I looked like my real father, say she wished she never had me, I was disgusting, call me a thief, I can’t do anything right, I embarrassed her- just on and on. I had zero self-esteem.
I had been making popcorn (per her demand) in a cast iron skillet. I had sat the skillet down on the table when it was finished popping. (The table was glass) The table broke. My step grandma was there in the kitchen with me, and I said she did it. That was the first time I had ever told a lie. I was terrified of what my mom would do, and I had very good reason to be. Of course my step grandma said I did it when I sat the skillet down on the table. That beating took place right in front of my step grandma. Not a word was said. I was then beginning to think that what she did to me was right. That it was okay. Nobody ever told on her. I know the neighbors had to hear the screams all of the time. I would try to be quiet, but after a while of it, you just can’t.

I had started my cycle during the next school year, I was still only 8, so I had no idea what was going on. I had white pants on, and started screaming my head off in the girl’s bathroom. My Spanish teacher came in the bathroom and just hugged me and held me while I cried, and she explained what just happened. She called my mom, I begged her not to, but she said I couldn’t walk around in those clothes all day. My mom came and got me, and was ever so nice at the school, then really let me have it when I got home. She was mad because she had to leave work to come and get me. Then she took me back to school. Of course all of the kids made fun of me. From that day forth, my time at school was a living hell also.

Then, my mother had the bright idea to pluck my eyebrows. She thought if I was “woman” enough to have my cycle, I was “woman” enough to not walk around with thick eyebrows.

I did not even want to go to school that following Monday. When I did get to school, oh boy, was I in for it there. Even the teachers made comments to me. (Comments from the teachers was mostly just asking did my mom pluck my eyebrows and why would she do such a thing), but still, I wanted to crawl into a hole, and just pull it closed behind me. After that, I never had a single friend. Not one person to talk to. Just loneliness. I started vowing then not to ever treat my children like that-if I lived long enough to have them.
I then was so disgusted with my life that I began telling God that I really don’t believe He is there anyway, because if there was a God, he wouldn’t let little kids go through this kind of stuff. I never really prayed again.
Things stayed pretty much the same over the years, all the while; I am getting more and more determined to not be like her.

She became a foster parent for extra money.
She had them terrified of her, too.

When I was 14, there was a boy who I just thought was the greatest. He looked like Andy Gibb (the Bee Gee’s littlest brother). He actually liked me back. The only person in years that actually liked me back. It was definitely “puppy love” for me. I did manage somehow to get her to let him come over one day after school. My parents weren’t home, and we went downstairs to play pool. My little foster sister (she was 5) came downstairs with us. My mom came home. She called my little foster sister upstairs. She then came downstairs. She made him leave, and then proceeded to tell me that my foster sister said we had sex. I knew she was full of it. My mom took me to the hospital to see if there was any proof-there was none. But she insisted on them giving me these little red pills, called “the day after” pills. I had to take 5 two times per day for a few days. She would then invite the neighbors over to watch me take these pills, and call them my “f” pills. But during all of this, she had accused this boy of statutory rape. So now he had been arrested and I had to go to court. I did eventually get the charges dropped when I had to give my deposition. I told the lawyers I would not make a statement unless my mom was not in the room when I gave the deposition. So the lawyers agreed. When I gave the deposition, I simply told them she was crazy, he never touched me, we just played pool, and she made him leave, and then caused all of this mess.

I could not go back to school because everybody there wanted to kill me-this was a very popular boy that my mom chose to do this to.
She found out that I got him off the charges, and came pretty close to beating me to death. I ran away. I was just sick of this life, and was determined to never let her hurt me again. I went to a girl’s house that I had talked to off and on in school. She knew how my mom treated me, and I knew she had an uncle who was a police officer. We weren’t what you would call “best buds”, but I knew if anyone could help me, she could. So, I went to the police station, told them they could do whatever they wanted with me, as long as they didn’t take me back home. They took me back home. My mom beat me again. Only this time someone called child abuse on her. They came and looked at me, and asked how I got all of the bruises on my neck and so on and so forth, my mom had nerve enough to tell them I fell outside playing (I am thinking yeah, right, I am 14, and I “fell” while playing). What my mom didn’t know was that the lady was about to ask me to go outside to talk to her…. ALONE. We got outside, and I told her what happened. Told her how long it has been happening. Told her if she left me there, I would just run away again and again, until someone would help me.

Two days later, they took me, and the foster children (she had 3 by this point) out of the house. I went to emergency foster care, and I don’t know where they went. I never saw them again.

I was enrolled in a new school, and for the first time ever, made friends-A LOT of friends. I was then introduced to drugs. I did it to have friends. I was in a temporary foster home with awesome parents, and they took me away, because I was considered “high risk” since I had run away. I begged them to let me stay. The foster parents wanted me to stay. I wanted to stay. But, family services didn’t. I would have never ran away from there, they treated me like a human being, they would even say I love you at night, before I went to bed. I adored those people.

I then rebelled big time. I was mad that they would take me from the only stable thing in my life. I let my grades drop. I wouldn’t get close to anyone, but of course the friends I made. I got deeper into drugs. I started drinking. Alcohol just didn’t ease the pain enough, so I left that alone, and stayed in lala land with my drugs. All the while being bounced around from home to home.

Then one day family services gets this bright idea to put me back home-“to see if my mom has changed”…I had just turned 16, and was working at Taco Bell and Perkins both full time, because I had quit school on my 16th birthday, and gotten these two jobs. I was going to take my GED in a couple of days.

She made me pay rent. I didn’t care as long as I could just stay away from the house and her. I walked 4 miles to Taco Bell because the bus didn’t run at the time I need to be at work, but I did take the bus to Perkins. I begged both places for all the hours I could get. I put it all in the bank, except my tips, that was what I used for bus fare, to eat on and for spending. I was still into drugs a bit, but had cut back to almost nothing because I was working so much to stay out of that house.

My step dad and I had talked about me possibly going to cosmetology school, which he would let me drive his Gremlin, if I wanted to go. I was thrilled. So I did. I had been in school 3-4 months, and came home one day, and she was all freaked out, about me getting that boy off those charges, and she punched me in the face, and I left. Just left. I had no way to school now, and the money I had in the bank was gone because I paid for my school and supplies, and uniforms. I only had about $100.00. So, I went and got as stoned as I possibly could. I just gave up on everything. I was still asking the question WHY ME, I just couldn’t figure it out. I was a good-hearted person, always willing to help someone-even if I didn’t like them, I would give them my last dollar. I just couldn’t figure it out. I still hadn’t talked to God, had no intention of talking to Him either. I thought He hated me, or He would rescue me.

I moved in with a friend of mine, and started working at a Grandpa’s store, and met my first husband. He made me laugh. We had our first date Nov.13 1980 and were married Dec. 29 1980. For the next 12 years, he made me cry. I was 17 years old when I married him. The following Feb 1981, I found out I was pregnant. I stopped the drugs. He continued. He cheated on me, only worked 5 of the 12 years we were married, he had one true love-his drugs and women. He was abusive to me, and tried to be abusive to my children, but I would get between him and them. I had 3 children by him, and when my youngest was 9 months old, I said THAT IS IT. I figured I am doing it by myself, I might as well be by myself. He left, only after he put his arm through the glass door trying to get sympathy, but only getting an arm full of stitches.

During my separation/divorce, I get swept off my feet again, took some doing, but he managed to do it. He was an abusive alcoholic/drug addict. When he wasn’t beating me, or cutting his arms in front of us, or stabbing himself when I said I was going to leave, or getting DWI’s, and sitting in prison, he was threatening to cut up my face, so no-one would ever have me again. 6 years of that nonsense. He was in and out of prison for driving while intoxicated, and that was the only time I had any peace and quiet. I slept with an axe handle next to my bed. I was terrified of him. I wasn’t afraid of my ex-husband like I was this man. This man would punch himself in his head for the fun of it. I loved this man. I thought my love for him could change him. I was wrong. I never really loved my ex-husband, I married him because I was young, looking for security, and he made me laugh.
I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired, and moved over 100 miles away to get away from this jerk.

My 3 girls and I were happy. I had even went to the Catholic Church to see how I would go about getting married again, if ever the moment should arise. ( I was Catholic-even though I hadn’t been in a church since I was very little )-well, they told me I would have to pay all of this money, and then annul my marriage, which then made my 3 girls illegitimate- WHAT??????? Did I hear them right???? I told them they could stick it-in not so nice words-that my girls were NOT illegitimate, and if that is the kind of God they have I don’t want any part of it.

So, I am still mad at God.

Why have I spent my entire life searching for someone to love me, and always being treated so bad? What have I done to deserve this? Why was I even born?

Time went by, and I was just focused on me, and my 3 girls, and my chocolate Lab.

I was a manager of a store, and one day Dan walked in. Oh my goodness! I could hardly look at him. He was gorgeous. I just froze every single time he came in. I couldn’t even touch his hand to complete the transactions. Whatever it was, I had it bad. I finally did get his name and have one of my cop friends run a check on him. They said he was clean except for some speeding tickets and gave me their best regards. Well a few months later, I was being transferred to a different store. I was heartbroken; I wasn’t going to see Dan anymore. See, this was my kind of relationship-I could enjoy his presence, and didn’t even have to talk or touch him. Didn’t have to be hurt. Well, I told him I was leaving-which was pretty much the first conversation we had. He asked where I was going to, I told him to 2 other stores, that I would bounce back and forth to 2 different places. He said he would miss me, and I went home and cried. I didn’t think I would ever see him again. The following Mon, I was at one of my new stores, and he just casually strolls in. I about leaped across the counter! I said, “WELL HI!!!” He just smiled that dazzling smile of his, and my heart did a flip-flop. We continued our silent relationship. Then one day a couple of months later, we finally talked, and we exchanged phone numbers, and I am now married to him. He is a Christian. Because of him, I am a Christian. He bought me my first Bible. He led me to Christ, and I am so thankful for that. Dan is a wonderful man. He loves me with all of his heart. He treats me like a princess. He is a Marine, so he gets a little anal once in a while, but I tell him he is doing it, and he quits. He will not tolerate people being mean to me. Not even his own family. I always tell him to not worry about it, I have been treated like that my whole life, and family is important, but he will not tolerate ugliness.
We have had a pretty rough way to go, he has an ex-wife that goes out of her way to make us miserable. She caused him to lose a good job, which caused him to get behind in child support, ($1000.00 a month), plus bouncing him back and forth in court, which also added to him being behind, because you can’t go to court without an attorney, and attorney’s have to be paid BEFORE you appear, so we have barley had enough for groceries at times. I ended up getting my Jeep repossessed because Dan was out of work, and I just couldn’t do his bills, and mine, and his CS. His truck was paid for, so he sold it, because she was trying to put a lien on it, and the $300.00 left over, we bought a car with it.

It hasn’t been easy for us, it has been a rough ride, but the Lord has been there with us every step of the way. I do mean every step. He watches us, and when we think we are not going to make it, He will give us that little boost we need.

I have finally figured out why I went through everything I went through in life. I believe that God does make good out of the bad. I believe He gave me Dan for several reasons.

1) To bring me to Him
2) He knew that Dan would love me the way a husband is supposed to love his wife.
3) He knew that I would love Dan the way a wife is supposed to love her husband.
4) I am “weak”, Dan is “strong”, and together we are evenly balanced.


You see, God knows exactly what is going to happen with each and every one of us. God took the ugliness that I went through and turned it into a good thing. Even when I doubted Him, even before I became a Christian. I was a single mom, working my tail off, and God always provided for myself, and my 3 girls. ALWAYS. I am so ashamed at myself for not acknowledging it. I have since I have become a Christian, but am still ashamed for not realizing it then.

I, and two of my girls were in an accident 2 years before I moved away from our town. A combine was on the shoulder of a 4-lane highway with a divider between ongoing and oncoming traffic. I was in the slow lane, went into the fast lane, because combines are wide, and he turned on a dime right into me. Took the whole top of my car off. I was going 55 mph. Somebody should have died that day, but we got out and only had splinter cuts from broken glass. I do have a knot on the right side of my neck from my head bouncing all over the place, but we were fine, scared, but fine. I do believe that day, we were touched by the hand of God.
The old man that hit us thought the van in front of us was the last vehicle. His wife came and drove us home. I was very grateful, as we were about 60 miles from home. Everybody told me I should sue, but I figure it this way—We didn’t get hurt, and that is something to be thankful for, there is a reason we didn’t get hurt. And although I didn’t say it, I was thinking it to myself-We were touched by the hand of God.


I survived the abuse.

BY THE GRACE OF GOD I SURVIVED THE ABUSE.

I still have pain. I will always have pain, and the emotional scars. It heals, but it never goes away.

I wish so bad that I could have a relationship with my mom. But I can’t. I have tried. Just recently I have tried. She is evil, and that is all there is to it. The best thing I can do for myself, is to stay away from her, and the best thing I can do for her is to pray for her.

9 years ago, I finally mustered up the nerve to call her. I had just become a Christian, and I knew I had to forgive her, or I wouldn’t be forgiven. I had no clue as to where she was. After praying about it for a while, Dan, and I, and the troop (the children), went to Ponderosa for dinner. My uncle was there with his family. I hadn’t seen them since I was about 14. The recognized me right away. He started telling me how crazy she was, and his wife is telling me how sick she is and she really needs me, and on and on. They give me her phone number. Took me 3 months before I could call. All of those feelings came back. God was testing me. He is the one that caused that phone number to be place into my hand. So, I did it. I called. When she answered, I said, “Hello, this is your daughter”, and she said “Sandy?”-Well I have no idea who Sandy is, I am an only child. I said “Patty”, we talked for a while, and she wanted us to come over. I said maybe sometime soon. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to do this or not. We decided to go a couple of weeks later. I felt so sorry for her when I saw her. Life had not been very good to her. It really did make it easy to forgive her. We continued to visit her off and on, all the while, I am being VERY cautious, and she is going in and out of the hospital. She finally tells us she is BIPOLAR. She has to take a lot of meds, has had a lot of shock treatments over the years, and the doctor said that she has forgotten a lot of things. Well, that made it even easier yet to forgive her. She also has Gran Maul Seizures.

A couple of years after that phone call has gone by, and I am starting to feel afraid for her, she was having seizures, and hurting herself. She even wrecked her car. So, we decided to buy a house together. She would sell her condo, put 1/2 toward the house, and it would be my “early inheritance”. We would make the house payments, pay all of the bills, buy the groceries, take care of all maintenance-she would just come and stay on weekends until she retires, but it was our (my) house. I was even the one to pick the house that I wanted. She was only going to put the down payment on it. She was going to put my name on the title after closing to save time.

We moved into the house Jan 7 2002
We moved out of the house July 31 2002.

My mom started treating my youngest daughter the way she treated me growing up. I couldn’t have it. I wouldn’t have it. My older two wouldn’t even come to the house while she was there. We were afraid to have any guests over, for fear of her behavior. She wouldn’t take her meds, and the situation was awful. Then she made the statement to me one night, “Don’t you remember what happened when you were young?”…Oh, I have to tell you, the fear that went through me. She did remember, the doctor said she couldn’t remember things-but she DID remember what she did to me. Well, she wasn’t going to treat my daughter that way, or any of the other children. The final straw was when she said Courtney took $2.00.
She had arrived that week about 8pm Thurs eve. I was outside planting squash. Courtney, Kayla, and Jacob were up the road at their friends. When I finished the squash, I was on my way in. The kids were coming up the road. They were in the house 5 minutes, and hadn’t even gone back by her room, I was on the phone wishing a friend of mine happy birthday, and she interrupts my call to tell me “she needs to talk to me”. I told Dawn-“I wonder what it I this time?” So, I ended my call, and went to see what now. She told me she was missing $2.00, and she marked her money, so she will know it if she sees it. I asked Courtney just to humor my mom, I then went into the girls room, and lifted both mattresses, because that is where my mom would hide things on me. Nothing. No-one said anymore about it, until Sat, when we got home from Brandi’s graduation (2am), she was waiting for us in the dark, and said look what I found under Courtney’s bed. Well, I knew better, I looked before we left for the graduation. I was the last person out of the house, except my mom-she stayed home. When I had told Dan about what she had said Thurs, he was expecting her to do it Sat, too, just because we wouldn’t be there. I was expecting it as well. I told him she would hide it there, because she would do that garbage to me. Well, Dan told her, we don’t believe Courtney did it, then she tried to say one of the others did it. She told us we needed to get out of HER house, because we called her a liar. So, we complied, with no argument. She gave us 2 months. During that 2 months we were still there, I anointed the house, and I do mean everything in it that she came in contact with, every single week. For our protection. While Dan was at work, when my mom was there, the children and I would stay in my room to stay away from her. I wouldn’t even cook dinner, we would just load up the coolers and have sandwiches, chips, and fruit.

You could just see the devil working in her. She came and got our John Deer tractor/lawnmower and hauled it off. Just tried to get under our skin, but the Lord protected us. He placed us where we are at now on July 31- right when we needed to be out.

Now, I have thought about this and thought about this. I believe that this was her chance, not mine, and she blew it. I tried, and God knows I gave it my all. I forgave her, and never even thought about what she had done, until she made that little comment “Don’t you remember…..” It was that moment I realized that she was the one God was speaking to, not me. She was the one He was trying to work on. Maybe somewhere along the line she had wished I was back in her life, and He granted it, and she blew it. Now she has to deal with Him, I have done all I can.

I am a very tenderhearted person. So is my youngest daughter Courtney. People target us because of it. We both go out of our way to try to do good things for people, and to make them happy, and we both get treated badly-satan loves to target people like us to break their spirit. He almost succeeded with me - he kept dishing it out to me to the point I was ready to die, but you know, God gave me strength, even though I had never asked Jesus into my heart, God knew one day, I would, and He gave me strength to get through another day.

I give Him the glory for everything, for my children, for my husband, for my life.

He is always there, whether we realize it or not, and He will always use the bad for something good.

(Part 2 Below)

[light4mypath]

The last 3 years have really been overwhelming. I had become very angry at God once again. Angrier than I had ever been at Him. I cursed him even. Walked away from Him completely at one point. Put my bible in my drawer and refused to even look at it.

I find out my youngest daughter who is on fire for the Lord, and wants to be a missionary is Bi Polar, has Borderline Personality Disorder and is ADHD. She dedicated her life to God. I mean DEDICATED it to Him. Everything she did was for Him. Then she starts getting the chrinic cluster migrains. (had one for 4 1/2 months) Then BAM! has these disorders. I was beside myself. Trying to deal with her behaviors and the things she was doing that were so out of character, (believe me when I say it was bad enough to make you want to vomit), and my middle daughter egging her on and helping her run away, even going so far as to tell me she wouldn't be home if I brought the police there. I was begging her to let me come and get Courtney. Begging. All the while thinking this behavior is from the migrains not her disorders) and her response to me was "she doesn't want to come home". I finally got to talk to her the next day, and she was crying and said she was sorry and that she would come home in 2 weeks. During that 2 weeks I did not sleep one minute, and I didn't eat. I lost 17 lbs in that 2 weeks. She was having a good time and I was dying. When i went to pick her up all she could say was "You aren't mad at Bran are you". I just told her thats for another time. Her hair was dark brown (she was a natural blond) and she looked sort of goth in a naive way. The music she brought back was horrid. She now had the "if it feels good do it" attitude. She was not the same person that left 2 weeks prior. Of course she was allowed to continue her bad behavior at her sisters. Bran called me and said she thought she was doing the right thing. I told her you do not just come and take you sister and then tell me no I can't come and get her or eventalk to her. Bran then told me for 4 months Courtney has called her telling her how miserable she was--I told her the right thing to do would have been to tell me about the calls. I tried to explain about the headaches she had and that her behavior had changed--Bran just said in a real sarcastic tone "well I am sorry I cause you stress". The phone call ended and a few months later I get a letter from her saying she is disowning her family.

Meanwhile, my oldest daughter has been calling and cussing me because we have run out of money (payiong her bills while she is in nursing school). Everyday screaming at me and cussing me because I have no money to pay for this huge wedding she wants. She got pregnant and everytime she called I was hearing how his parents would do what they had to do. They ended up getting married in the park. Ate at Olive Garden and we paid for 1/2 the meal and gave them a 200.00 gift card for home depot (for the baby's room). Got her a cake. She barely spoke 2 words to us that day. We felt like 2 elephants in a room full of monkeys. After dinner, we asked when the dates of her baby showers were (she had 3), and all of them were on Fri eves except one. It was on a Sun. I asked if I could go to that one because I could not make either of the other 2. She said NO it was for friends only. My husbands mother and I looked at each other, and I said well, I can't make it. (Dans mom wasn't going unless I could go because she didn't know anyone that would be at the showers). Then Amber pops off with "You could have had a shower", and i said who would I invite? You already are having 3 others???" She just turned and walked away, and we just stood there looking and feeling stupid.

All the way home I just stared out the window of the car feeling numb to everything. I felt like I was moving in slow motion and my anger was really festering toward God. I felt more than forsaken. I felt like I was being mad an example of while I was being laughed at. I was finished with God. He was taking my children away from me. I lived for my girls. I never ever wanted to be the same sort of mother I had. If I was nothing else in this life, I knew I was a good mother, and He was taking that from me. WHY?

People would say they would pray for me and I would say "why?" They would talk to me about the Lord and my ears would close and I would get agitated. I didn't want to hear it. I was completely broken. Not to mention lost . Between my 3 girls, I was to the point that when I got up in the morning I couldn't wait to go to bed at night. That is what i looked forwrad to every day--going to bed at night. For 2 years my days were one big blur. I can tell you events that went on, but very few, and those consisted of what they said to me, or Courtneys treatments. Nothing else. i did go to work, but I was just there physically, not mentally. I felt like a robot. Everything I did was robotic. I wasn't depressed, but I was brokenhearted. Completely broken hearted and worn out. How could this God that I loved so much, allow my children to treat me this way. Why? Was this my purpose for being? To be ripped to shreds all of the time?

I re-examined every tiny aspect of my parenting. I re-examined every thing in my life. I didn't raise them to treat anyone like this. I loved them with all my heart. Gave them everything I could. I played with them, worked 2 full time jobs and a part time job and was still able to go to their school functions and do their parties and other things. Watched my husband stay and sweep floors for 2 hours of extra overtime to pay oldest daughters bills.....Was their mother, their friend, their confidant, their taxi, bank, I WAS THEIR MOTHER!!! They were my life. Yet, I am expendable to them.

Yes, Madder than ever at God.....

I have 2 grandchildren that I do not get to see (oldest daughters). I was at my grand daughters birth (again, felt like 2 elephants in a room full of monkeys), but I have never even seen my grandson, other than a picture of him. Went all out crazy and bought enough gifts for 5 babies for Maddie's first Christmas. Called my daughter to see when we could bring the presents---she said to put them in the truck--they weren't leaving his parents house......So I knew where I stood with her right then. I walked away. It's all I could. I am now to the point where I have to keep my sanity. I can't keep hurting like this. It is causing me to get migrains with vertigo. So the last time I saw Maddie was when she was 2 weeks old (the day I picked up Courtney from Brandi's when she ran away).

Now she is 2 and her little brother is 1. They are sooooooooo beautiful, but I only see pictures. No kisses and hugs. No sweet giggles. No snugglin up to watch a cartoon. No sticky little faces. No story books. No bedtime prayers.

I had to walk away from both of my oldest daughters. I had to have relief from the stress.

My youngest daughter keeps me on eggshells as it is, I was going to lose my mind if something didn't give. So I had to close the checkbook and walk away.

I felt bad for a long time. Felt like I was an awful mother for doing so. There is no reason anyone should be subjected to this behavior. These are, after all, grown women now, not little children.

I had walked away from my gardens too. I just couldn't enjoy anything anymore. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

My husband was beside himself. He wanted to comfort me, but didn't know how. Every time he looked at me I cried. He was angry. He was so very angry at them. He was hurting because I was hurting. He became withdrawn. I became withdrawn. We were now divided, so to speak. We were both at a loss as to what to do.

I remember thinking to myself---oh not my husband too!!!

I was angry and finally decided to let God know just how angry i was. I yelled and cursed Him. I cried. I begged, pleaded, and cursed some more. I fell asleep crying. I exhausted myself out in my fit. I gave up.

A few days went by and I decided to read my Bible. My head was completey empty. Numb. At the time I really don't know why I picked it up, but I did. I was just paging through it, not really focused on anything I was looking at, all of a sudden I realized that through those 2 years Jesus had gotten me through those days. I couldn't do it myself. HE got me through each individual day. I didn't want to get through the day. I was to busy being mad at God. I kept ending up in Psalms, then Proverbs, then back to Psalms. I was still trying to protest to God, I even said out loud, why don't you just lead me to Job, since I am the modern day female version...I was half joking/half serious still trying to protest to reading the Word, but still feeling led to read it......

I remember feeling peaceful after reading the Word. I didn't want to feel that feeling though. I was afraid of it. Afraid that I would praise Him only to have something else snatched away. Everything i loved was being taken from me. I was a firm, nothing going to shake my faith believer, I had already lost everything once (except my girls). I knew what faith was. But I was afraid I would lose it all again. I felt like a baby with a piece of candy in front of me and someone was going to snatch it away.

I finally just submitted and told Him--YOUR will not mine be done, and I will live with whatever that may be. What else could I do? In doing so, He has given me peace. The numbness I thought I felt wasn't numbness at all. He was protecting my heart from the pain. I experienced some of the pain, but I truly believe He experienced the rest, and just numbed my heart. He carried me the whole time, He took the brunt of the pain. I was to angry to see it. I cried my heart out to Him in repentance, praise and embarrassment. I begged for His forgiveness and mercy. I laid it at his feet. I put HIM first. Not my children. They were always first in my life. Always. I "thought" God was first, but He showed me otherwise, and the devil capitalized on the whole situation.

I still don't have all the answers, but I just leave it in His hands. I don't even ask questions anymore. I juts take one day at a time, and hold Jesus hand everyday, because when I have a day that I don't think I can get through it, He gives me a little tug to help get me going.

My older 2 and I have no contact whatsoever. I still get nasty messages left on my cell phone. Just hearing their voices makes me go into a shaking fit so I just hit the delete button. Courtney still hangs out with her sisters, that is fine as long as they don't come here.

The Bible tells us this will happen: Matthew 10:32-39
32Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.

33But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

34Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

36And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

37He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

38And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

39He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

Jesus also warns us of putting things before Him, which includes our family. NOTHING should come before Him.

Luke 14:26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:33
So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.

In other words, Jesus better be #1 in your life.

I lived for Jesus, but I lived for my girls as well. They had, in fact, become a god in my life. I "thought" Jesus was #1 in my life. God showed me otherwise. In doing so, He has strengthened my relationship ten fold to what it ever was!!!

ALL praise and Glory be to Him, for He is perfect in all His ways---even when it brings us to our knees in ways we can not comprehend!!!

[Suzanne]

Patty: I don't even know what to say. Your life has seen so very much pain, and yet your heart is still beautiful. There seems to be so many of us on this board that have suffered in our lives. Maybe, that's one of the reasons that I feel like I really know so many of you in a deep way. We have experienced some of the ugliness in life, yet God has used that to highlight the beauty He has given all of us.

Sister, I am so glad that you have kept your sweet nature and not let people take it from you. I am so happy that you found Dan and that he led you to the Lord. I'm also glad that you have children to love. God bless you and thank you so much for having the courage to share your life's story with us.2:

[PraisingHimAlways]

Wow....sending virtual *hugs* your way...thanks so much for sharing your story with us...

[mattfivefour]

Patty, I saw your testimony this morning and thought I don't have time to read it this morning, I have to have breakfast. But I started to read just a couple of lines before I shut down my computer. And, well ... a half hour later, here I still am, writing this to you. Sis, your testimony made me cry. It was so painful to read. I cannot imagine at all what it was like to live it. Yet, at the same time, it was so beautiful. God has truly shown Himself in your life ... and is producing in you such a beautiful person that shows through in your many posts I have read. You may not have felt much love in your life, but please know that we love you ... with a love that God Himself has put in our hearts ... and that is just a shadow of a sliver of a fragment of a fraction of the love HE has for you.

Yes, your mother was truly evil. There ARE people like that in this world... and there is nothing we can do to help them other than to pray that somehow God will touch them and change them. But we have to stay away from them for our own sake and that of our loved ones.

Patty, Paul said, "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory" but I don't think even with what he suffered he would come close to what you have. Yet God's Word is true and though this world seems to be everything, we know it is only temporary and we have a home waiting for us that is ETERNAL ... in which there will be no evil, no pain, no suffering, no sickness, no sorrow, no sin. No need for tears at all. Only a life of undisturbed and never-ending joy in the very presence of God Himself.

I praise our awesome God for His care for you . And I look forward to heaven where I will meet—along with all my other brothers and sisters—you and your hubby and your youngest daughter. And, I pray, your oldest two daughters as well. For I am going to pray for them with focus now that I can understand your situation. I have prayed for Courtney before without understanding. Now I can pray WITH understanding.

May God continue to bless you and I pray—calling upon Him in the name of His Son Jesus—that He give you back those precious gifts which have been stolen and kept from you ... your oldest daughters and your grand babies.

2:

[bghtnpd4]

Oh, Patty...:sorry2: Thank you for sharing your story with us, dear sister. There just are no adequate words when we read about the suffering of our brothers and sisters in Christ. I am so blessed that you are my friend, and like you, can't wait until God's promise is fulfilled that He will wipe every tear from our eyes...:prayer

[tessreis]

Its not often that I am moved to tears... May God shower His abundant blessing on your life, Patty! Thank you for sharing this testimony! 2:

[anath]

2: Thank you sister for sharing your deepest with us. 2:
I will keep you and your family in my prayers :prayer

[Suzanne]

I will pray for your family, dear sister.2::prayer

[open door]

patty, thanks for sharing your testimony. testimony like this means so much to others out there who are reading it, all the while thinking "i am the only person who all this is happening to" - well, this shows them they are not alone. there IS hope, and it's in our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. i can relate to the situation with your kids, about not being able to see the Grandkids. i can't see one of mine, either, we were so close, until satan used lies, thru my daughter, to turn her away from my wife and i. it hurts beyond belief, you mourn, as in the death of a family memeber, only the person you are mourning is still alive. i pray about it every day, and i pray for you and everyone out there who are having to endure this. but listen, God will see us thru it. Patty, every time i sit down and really dwell on it, satan just makes the hurt more and more. know what i do? i go to the Word. open that Bible, and there is THE answer - HIM. like you said, "not my will, but thine be done". listen, satan has NO control over us other than that which we allow him to have. I hate satan, and the sin and the trouble that he causes. let's kick him out of our lives, brothers and sisters in Christ!!!! Patty, may God bless you, hang in there, and continue in church with us here on the forum. it's such a blessing to me, as i know it is to you. i always say "keep looking up", well, let's do that, cause when He comes, everything will, at last, be all right. He will make it so.

[readytogo]

Thank you for sharing your story, although it was painful to read. It's painful for those who haven't known abuse to imagine a child going through that, and painful to those of us who have been abused--in a way, reliving our own abuse. And thank you for being so "transparent" in admitting your anger at God. Even when we are not believers, we still "cringe" at admitting that we are angry at God. We feel that He knew about it, and since He didn't stop it, He must be responsible.

I'm going to repeat an analogy that I used on another thread. If you walk out of a store onto a large parking lot and see someone "racing" around a corner to get to a parking space and see someone else backing out of a parking space, you can "know" that there is going to be a collision. But that doesn't mean that you intended the collision to happen (nor does it mean that the collision is your fault.) It happens because of faulty decision making on the part of one or both drivers. Additionally, it would be absurd for either of the drivers (or other witnesses) to contend that it was your fault simply because you knew that it would happen." (BTW, I'm in no way saying--or implying---that any abuse is the fault of a child's bad decisions)

What amazes me is that after all of the blame that we place on God for our circumstances of in life that, when we confess our anger, He is merciful and will forgive us! What a God we serve!

[mattfivefour]

patty, thanks for sharing your testimony. testimony like this means so much to others out there who are reading it, all the while thinking "i am the only person who all this is happening to" - well, this shows them they are not alone. there IS hope, and it's in our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. i can relate to the situation with your kids, about not being able to see the Grandkids. i can't see one of mine, either, we were so close, until satan used lies, thru my daughter, to turn her away from my wife and i. it hurts beyond belief, you mourn, as in the death of a family memeber, only the person you are mourning is still alive. i pray about it every day, and i pray for you and everyone out there who are having to endure this. but listen, God will see us thru it. Patty, every time i sit down and really dwell on it, satan just makes the hurt more and more. know what i do? i go to the Word. open that Bible, and there is THE answer - HIM. like you said, "not my will, but thine be done". listen, satan has NO control over us other than that which we allow him to have. I hate satan, and the sin and the trouble that he causes. let's kick him out of our lives, brothers and sisters in Christ!!!! Patty, may God bless you, hang in there, and continue in church with us here on the forum. it's such a blessing to me, as i know it is to you. i always say "keep looking up", well, let's do that, cause when He comes, everything will, at last, be all right. He will make it so.

Thank you for sharing your story, although it was painful to read. It's painful for those who haven't known abuse to imagine a child going through that, and painful to those of us who have been abused--in a way, reliving our own abuse. And thank you for being so "transparent" in admitting your anger at God. Even when we are not believers, we still "cringe" at admitting that we are angry at God. We feel that He knew about it, and since He didn't stop it, He must be responsible.

I'm going to repeat an analogy that I used on another thread. If you walk out of a store onto a large parking lot and see someone "racing" around a corner to get to a parking space and see someone else backing out of a parking space, you can "know" that there is going to be a collision. But that doesn't mean that you intended the collision to happen (nor does it mean that the collision is your fault.) It happens because of faulty decision making on the part of one or both drivers. Additionally, it would be absurd for either of the drivers (or other witnesses) to contend that it was your fault simply because you knew that it would happen." (BTW, I'm in no way saying--or implying---that any abuse is the fault of a child's bad decisions)

What amazes me is that after all of the blame that we place on God for our circumstances of in life that, when we confess our anger, He is merciful and will forgive us! What a God we serve!

What helpful responses both of you have made. In fact I believe this thread that Patty started is going to help some hurting person out there. And I pray as they read Patty's two posts and the responses such as the both of you have made that they will surrender their anger at God ... TO god ... and ask Him to heal them.

If only we could realize just how MUCH He loves each one of us. Isn't that what Paul prayed? "For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." —Ephesians 3:14-19

[pistache]

oh, Patty - God is so good to bring you to restored faith after enduring so much. He is patient and kind, slow to anger and rich in mercy. When you felt abandoned, He was leading you, and when you felt angry, He was waiting for you. It is all for the glory of God--all credit goes to Him when we realize how He cares for us through tribulations and heartaches. I am praying for you and Dan, and Courtney and her sisters... He will never leave us nor forsake us, and how wonderful it will be the Day we are reunited with face-to-face with Him when every tear, hurt and shame will be wiped away forever. What joy that will be!

[NoDoubts]

all I can say is that I will pray for your family but I want you to know that after reading your testimony I realize that I am not as far into forgiving some people as I thought I was.Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart.

[light4mypath]

I found rapture forums not to long after I finally submitted to God's will fully. It was clearly another open handed blessing. One I recognized immediately. The love that has been shown to me here is just indescribable. The laughs I have had, the tears, the prayers. A God given gift. Only through our Father could so many people with so many diverse backgrounds come together in the name of Jesus and love each other like we do. I have felt more love from my brothers and sisters here than I ever did with my own flesh and blood. I love each of you so much, and even though I haven't seen many of you I will know exactly who you are when Jesus say's "Come up Hither"

Not a lot of people would understand why I love the way I do. Why I still have a gentleness to me. Why I still go out of my way to help others and have compassion for even those I don't care to be around. Even stray animals find their way to me. I give Him all the glory for that. It is His love that shines through me. God has always managed to work through me, even though I had no clue who He was. He knew me. He knew me before I was even in my mothers womb. He knew the plans He had for me. He knew I would be here in the end times. He knew I would be here to glorify Him. He knew I would be so angry at Him that I would curse him over my children.

But this amazing Father never cursed me as Jesus was taking the punishment for my sins that I would do.

He patiently waited.

My prayers did not go unanswered. All those tears I cried when i was young. God cried too, I just didn't know it at the time. He sent me a knight in shining armor. Dan. Someone who would protect me and love me. The man that would show me all about Jesus.

Then God smiled and welcomed me into His family. He has used every adversary we have gone through to strengthen the ties that bind us.

As believers we will always be under attack. But we must be very careful to not take our eyes off the Lord. When we fall under attack we need to make sure our peripheral vision is working not the tunnel vision. We have to look through the trial and look to God. It only takes a milli second for satan to wedge his way in and really mess with us. It is only going to get worse. No matter how much we love some one God has to be number one and first in our lives. He has to be. If He isn't, we are thrown into a place that we can not find our way out of. A very ugly dark place. So dark, we can't see His hand extended out to us. I was there for 2 years and never want to go there again.

Realizing my children were little gods in my life was a very hard thing to do. Realizing I couldn't make it better was even harder. I can't but God can. God has work to do in their lives. (as well as my mom's), and there isn't one thing I can do about it, except pray for them. Sometimes it takes a very hard lesson from God to make us wake up and smell the coffee.

He has renewed my strength and shined up my armor. He has laid His mighty hand upon me in a way I never thought would be possible. Am i deserving? No. Am I grateful? More than I could ever say or express. I give Him all the praise and glory.

I have lost so much, but God has given me more than I have lost. So much more than I have ever lost. My life belongs to HIM. He is the Potter I am the Clay.

As far as the abuse I have endured, God has used that as a tool for me to witness and help others that are abused. I can look right at someone that has been or is abused and I know. When you have been there, you just know. I would go through everything all over again to be where I am today. Some may think that is absurd, but the blessings and gifts that have been given to me because of it, yes, I would do it all over again. To have my husband lead me to Jesus, YES! To be able to recognize and help those that are abused, YES. To be able to use my testimony to glorify God, YES. Not because I liked what I went through, but because through my afflictions I am able to glorify God. If I hadn't gone through that, would I be able to reach out to others like I do? Would I have been gifted my husband? Would I even have been allowed the free gift of salvation? Or would I have even recognized it?

Every one of the testimonies on this forum has God's hand written all over it. Faith of a mustard seed is all we are required to have. If our testimony gives just one person that tiny bit of faith, whatever we have endured will be well worth it. AMEN?

[mattfivefour]

AMEN!!!

(And you brought tears to my eyes again, sis. The work of God in the life of a person is exquisitely beautiful. And your words give ample evidence of what He has done and what He is doing in you. And, no, I will not forget to pray for ALL your girls and your grandbabies.)

[bghtnpd4]

*tears streaming* Absolutely beautiful, sister. Absolutely beautiful...2:

[open door]

May God bless you - your testimony is being used for His purposes, I know it. Keep looking up

[god_chick3]

Thank you for your testimony. I am going to include you and your family in my prayers. How great is our God to have brought Dan into your life!

[jacee92]

Patty, i knew the majority of your testimony through phone conversations but i can't even express to you how reading your story through has touched me yet again as i'm sure it will all who read it. What satan meant for evil God has used for His good. Like you stated earlier, through Jesus, you are able to help others and to be compassionate and caring toward all people you come across. You said it was a blessing for you to have been led to Rapture Forums but let me tell you i for one was also blessed by you being led here. I thank God for bringing you through your trials to become the person you are today. Always there to giggle with, to cry with, to share with, to pray with and to praise the name of Jesus with. You know i love you Sister 2: