Help with In-laws and holidays

[livin_in_the_Son]

I need some advice from godly women. I've never really got along with my mother-in-law, or my sister-in-law, but we were cordial enough in the beginning. An argument happened, and for years (5 to be exact), my husband and I had no contact with them, minus phone calls of his family insisting on visits with him and our kids but not me. Out of respect for me, he never went.

Well, about 6 months ago his mother decided that she wanted to move on, but without an apology, or explanation. I agreed because I knew my husband was suffering without them in his life. Herein lies my problem, the fight was between his mom and me, but his sister got involved and proceeded to send me a beligerent e-mail full of cuss words (all the big ones), but with nothing else. Now that the holidays are upon us, they all want to get together, all the while pretending nothing happened. I can do that with his mom, but I don't think that I can manage it with his sister. I have prayed for an end to my hostile feelings, but they are still there.

What can I do? What would you do? If I go, how do I act?

[ShilohRose]

Father, You already know about this difficult situation she is in, and You know the best way to handle it. I ask that You give livin_in_the_Son wisdom to deal with her in-laws gently and wisely with Your love and compassion and strength, to be a witness for You. I pray also that her husband will continue to stand by her and defend her. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

[Forgiven]

in agreement...

[Meg]

Father, You already know about this difficult situation she is in, and You know the best way to handle it. I ask that You give livin_in_the_Son wisdom to deal with her in-laws gently and wisely with Your love and compassion and strength, to be a witness for You. I pray also that her husband will continue to stand by her and defend her. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

First, a deep Amen to this lovely prayer.

Sometimes, Livin, people don't know how to say they're sorry and they just want their family back together. Sometimes, when someone's really blown it, they just need to sweep the whole thing under the rug and be forgiven. All your sister-in-law really did was vent at you. There's a very good chance that she was under heavy pressure in other areas of her life at the time, and you got blasted with all of it. I did that to someone I loved very much more than once in my life, and later, when things cooled off for me, I wanted badly to be able to come back, but was never given that grace... For this reason, I would ask you to give forgive and forget a chance with your husband's sister and place the love of Jesus Christ first with your family.

Back in 2006, the Lord asked me to forgive my Dad, who had said such ugly things to me that I thought I could never forget how much he hurt me. Jesus had chosen His timing for that particular request very carefully indeed... I didn't even consider refusing Him! So given that I had to find a way to forgive Dad even so, I deliberately remembered all the bright things, all the smiles we shared before everything went so wrong. On purpose, I dug up old pictures and treasured memories, placing the bright things in front of the dark ugly things and forgave Dad in my heart. I hope you have bright things to remember about your sister-in-law. I hope these words help you find your way back to a point before things got ugly, to which you can return for Christmas...

[livin_in_the_Son]

Thank you for the prayers, and responses. I have already decided to 'forgive and forget' the fight with my mother-in-law. We were both at fault, and after all this time, talking about it wouldn't solve anything, and more than likely stoke the fire.

As for his sister, well like I said the e-mail consisted of nothing but name-calling cuss words. She lives in another state, and before the fight, only contacted my husband once or twice a year, and then would be offended if we didn't drop everything to accomodate her schedule. She has never bought a single card, or gift for any of our children, but got irate when we couldn't afford to buy her a Christmas gift. I may be wrong, but I don't believe that she's interested in burying the hachet or is ashamed of her behavior, but more like that since my husband has refused to give in and visit in these intervening years, that she has to 'grin and bear it' in order to see him.

I just don't want to give them any more reason to point out the speck in my eye, while ignoring the plank in their's. I am not naive enough to believe that I would receive a warm reception, but I don't want to 'fake it', or worse sit ignored in the background.

At least Father gave me more time to deal with the situation....my husband found out that his mom was going to visit his sister for Christmas. I won't have to deal with this right away, and I have more time to pray about it. Thanks again my sisters.

Juli

[Meg]

May the Lord bless you deeply, Juli. This situation looks as though its not going to have a decent answer, as it seems your sister-in-law is driven by greed and pride... Sometimes all that is left to do is your best in a situation where you never really reach a person no matter what we try. When in a situation like that, all that is left to do is be as Christlike as possible, enduring the abuse quietly and giving thanks that you don't have to live with or near her... I have had coworkers who have been like that in my time and thats how I coped.

[anath]

I will hold you in prayer.
I have a difficult BIL who is an antagonistic atheist who waits all year for a confrontation at Christmas dinner!
Over the years, I would have loved to forget about him but the Lord has kept my brother on my heart year round. Thanks to the Lord,instead of hearing the arrogance of his answers, reasonings, observations and conclusions from his superior mind, the Lord allowed me to see how desperate, empty & lonely his soul is. It is only through Christ, I can love him, I mean really and truly love his soul. I pray that he will come to the knowledge and understanding of the real Truth, the ABSOLUTE TRUTH, Jesus! I want him to know God's love and feel loved(something he has never known).

[mattfivefour]

Sorry to jump in on the For The Ladies board, but I want you to know that I will be praying for your BIL, Susan.

[LivnForChrist]

The Lord has been dealing lately and this is what he said "You do right, even when others don't."
I have been hurt by family members (some of which are still back-biting ) and even by my
spouse but God won't let me get away with harboring bitterness or resentment. Forgive her. No matter
how foul or evil that email. It is over. You show Christ through your love. It isn't easy and I'm not
lecturing you. God will help you sis. I'll pray for you.

[Meg]

I will hold you in prayer.
I have a difficult BIL who is an antagonistic atheist who waits all year for a confrontation at Christmas dinner!
Over the years, I would have loved to forget about him but the Lord has kept my brother on my heart year round. Thanks to the Lord,instead of hearing the arrogance of his answers, reasonings, observations and conclusions from his superior mind, the Lord allowed me to see how desperate, empty & lonely his soul is. It is only through Christ, I can love him, I mean really and truly love his soul. I pray that he will come to the knowledge and understanding of the real Truth, the ABSOLUTE TRUTH, Jesus! I want him to know God's love and feel loved(something he has never known).

Maybe try telling him stories (testimonies) of how Jesus Christ has turned lives around by healing hearts? I don't know if that would do any good... We'll add you to our prayers.

[Lynn]

I will hold you in prayer.
I have a difficult BIL who is an antagonistic atheist who waits all year for a confrontation at Christmas dinner!
Over the years, I would have loved to forget about him but the Lord has kept my brother on my heart year round. Thanks to the Lord,instead of hearing the arrogance of his answers, reasonings, observations and conclusions from his superior mind, the Lord allowed me to see how desperate, empty & lonely his soul is. It is only through Christ, I can love him, I mean really and truly love his soul. I pray that he will come to the knowledge and understanding of the real Truth, the ABSOLUTE TRUTH, Jesus! I want him to know God's love and feel loved(something he has never known).

Your BIL needs to realize that there are plenty of people with 'superior' minds who 'do' believe in God and have been born again by the blood of Christ.
A couple of fine books you might consider as gifts for him at Christmas are books by Dr. Howard A. Kelly, one of the pioneer faculty members at Johns Hopkins University, and
Simon Greenleaf, a founder of Harvard Law School.
Greenleaf: The Testimony of the Four Evangelists by the Rules of Evidence Administered in the Courts of Justice.
Dr. Kelly: A Scientific Man and the Bible

[livin_in_the_Son]

**Update**

Well, monday evening my husband's family (minus his sister who lives in Chicago), got together to exchange gifts. I have to thank you all for your prayers and advice in advance because it went better than I expected. Of course my mother-in-law misheard me when I said that my oldest sees a therapist and said 'you're in therapy?' and she got him girl jeans as a gift, and the wrong sizes for my youngest....but none of it bothered me. With God's help I was capable of letting it all go, and ended up having a good time. Bonus was that my husband also had a good time, and since I have been praying more to be a better wife to him, our relationship is better than it has been in a long time.

[Lynn]

**Update**

Well, monday evening my husband's family (minus his sister who lives in Chicago), got together to exchange gifts. I have to thank you all for your prayers and advice in advance because it went better than I expected. Of course my mother-in-law misheard me when I said that my oldest sees a therapist and said 'you're in therapy?' and she got him girl jeans as a gift, and the wrong sizes for my youngest....but none of it bothered me. With God's help I was capable of letting it all go, and ended up having a good time. Bonus was that my husband also had a good time, and since I have been praying more to be a better wife to him, our relationship is better than it has been in a long time.

So glad to hear that everything went well with no 'events', livin.
This is a good thing to pray for, and all of us Christian women need to pray the same way. I recommend a book: For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. It's a quick read and has a lot of practical suggestions for women who sincerely want to be a better wife. Even after 42+ years of marriage, I found it a book that gave good advice. Her research and surveys of men and how they think was very enlightening and helpful.
End of thread hi-jack now.

[Bobbi]

Jesus gave 2 commands when asked what is the greatest commandment. Love God and Love others as yourself. If Christ lives in your heart you already have all the love for these people you will ever get, but the problem is how to show that love without letting bitterness get in the way. I would suggest memorizing Romans chapter 6 and changing the word sin for bitterness, for example "What shall I say then, shall I continue in bitterness that grace may abound? Certainly not! for how shall I who died to bitterness live any longer in it." on through the entire chapter. You will have to repeat it many times before it becomes a living part of you, but you will never get rid of bitterness just praying for it to go away, you have to put it to death. Next you need to memorize 1 Cor 13. Every time you think of the people who wronged you say this chapter to yourself so that it becomes a living part of you.

Applying God's word to your situation will help you more than mearly praying for God to remove the feeling you have because God has already given you everything you need to live a godly life, but you have to die to yourself for Christ to live His life through you. See 2 Peter 3-8.

Also about forgive and forget. You will never forget, but you can choose not to hold what that person did to you against them again. Forgiveness means letting them off your hook, they are not off God's hook and He will deal with them the way He sees fit and this is better anyway because His purpose is to bring them to the knowlege of Christ as savior. See Col 3:5-17.

Remember God's word is living and powerful, sharper than a double edged sword able to pierce through bone an marrow but it doesn't just pierce the unbeliever with truth it also pierces our soul to help us do what is right. Even if these people who have wronged you are Christians, Christ words are for the one who wants to be right with Him. Remember the sermon on the mount where Christ said if someone compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Forgive you mother-in-law and your sister-in-law without wanting anything from them in return. Pray for them, for example God would you please bless them with what they need today. They may never ask you to forgive them for what they did, but that is not your goal for them to be right with you, but they get right with God. When they are right with God then they may come to you for complete reconciliation, but as far as you are concerned when you have forgiven them and prayed for them your reconciliation with them will be complete and then leave the results up to the Lord and He will do the rest.

I am not telling you these things without living them out in my own life. I have been wronged very deeply and have applied these principals in my own life and have completely reconciled with the person who wronged me. God wants you to have peace, but sometimes you will be the only one in the room with the peace.

I pray the Lord would bless you and keep you, that He would lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.

In Christ,