When Leaving Jesus Means Losing Your Family

[WhisperWisdom]

Valerie Tarico

When Leaving Jesus Means Losing Your Family
Posted March 19, 2008 | 06:42 PM (EST)


Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

-Jesus, Matthew 10:34-36

When my Gen Y friend Michael confessed publicly that he couldn't believe any longer, it cost him a full ride scholarship and all of his friends but three. But that wasn't the worst of it. Michael had to make a choice: He could stay in his parents' home only if he refrained from "spiritual pornography," meaning any media that were critical of faith. He could stay there only if he kept his doubts muted and invisible. Michael said he couldn't do that and moved out. His mother said it would have been better had he died. His father banned Michael from seeing beloved younger siblings without supervision. (Apparently spiritual pornography can lead to spiritual pedophilia?) Loneliness and despair took him to the brink of suicide.

Michael is warm, funny, and fiercely smart. Today he is back in school at a secular university, going it alone, working his way toward becoming a brain scientist. But the choices he was forced to face and the rejection he experienced are matched in our society only for kids who confess that they are gay.

According to recent Pew data, sixteen percent of Americans say that they don't have a religious affiliation. Other surveys would suggest that most of these still believe in some kind of god, and many probably still identify in some way with Christian teachings. But the fact is, a sizeable number of us no longer ascribe to the faith(s) of our fathers. And for those whose fathers serve a jealous god, the price can be high.

From testimonials at places like exChristian.net; exMormon.org; Faithfreedom.org (leaving Islam) we know that Michael's despair and desperation were not unique. Many who lose religion muddle along in silent shame -- wanting to believe, praying desperately for doubts to be removed, blaming themselves and fending off images of eternal torture before finally giving up the fight. Granted, some lucky few simply flip a bit, but others find themselves dragged reluctantly into an internal conflict takes years.

Most religions implant psychological safeguards against apostasy, little emotional bombs of fear, guilt, shame and self-loathing that get triggered by the mere act of questioning. In religious orthodoxy, doubt is the domain of fools. It is the consequence of having hardened your heart like Pharaoh or resenting God's power like Lucifer. Oh ye of little faith!

Now add to loss and self-loathing a crush of rejection by people who have loved you "unconditionally": friends, cousins, siblings, parents, or even a spouse. When I was a suicidal nineteen-year-old (still a believer), a woman I had looked up to for years, apologized for having counseled me as a Christian when in hindsight I clearly was not. But even now, despite my public apostasy, my family has never cut me off, nor I them. We walk a loving, if uncomfortable line with each other. Our compatibility depends on things not said as much as it depends on conversation, but the common ground is also real.

Not everyone is so lucky. Some families cannot get past revulsion and sense of betrayal they feel toward a member who has literally broken faith. Manifest examples of kindness, integrity, warmth, or generosity get reinterpreted. They were never real -- or the person has changed utterly.

Some former believers, fragile in either their disbelief or their self-worth, can't stand to be in the relentless presence of even unspoken disapproval. Others try to reach out to family members and get turned away with harsh words or silent shunning. Still others face a barrage of re-conversion efforts at any family gathering.

A divorce can get initiated by either side. Either way, it is the renegade who is most likely to end up alone and symptomatic. Think about it: for a person who has already lost a god and consequently a core part of the self, to sever ties with family is an act of desperation or sheer self preservation.

Returning to my earlier comparison with gay kids coming out -- we all know what the worst case scenarios look like. In major cities across the country, outreach programs offer a helping hand to homeless and often self-destructive gay teens, kids who have been given the boot by parents who think they might as well be dead. But who is offering support to kids or adults who lose their religion?

Even among my professional peers, psychologists, far too few understand the depth of harm that can be done to the psyche by fundamentalist religion -- religion that subsumes the individual self to a cult self. The irony is that few mental health professionals are sympathetic to the claims of moral dogma. The practicing therapist is exposed daily to life's caprice: biochemical malfunctions, developmental vagaries, and rotten life circumstances. In contrast to a religious perspective, psychology seeks to understand material and historical roots of symptoms rather than making moral judgments. So the problem is not that the professional world view aligns with a dogmatic world view. It is just that, in the absence of dramatic evidence to the contrary, we are all taught to think of religion as harmless.

It's time to give up the illusion.

I've reread this article quite a few times, and it has troubled me greatly. Any advice on what we can do as far as witnessing those who have tremendous doubts, fears, etc? Plus, the issues of family and friends abandoning these lost souls also doesn't seem right. If anything, it just further convinces these lost souls that Christianity is harmful....

[Carl]

This is a tough and touchy subject. The personality of the whole family plays this one out. I suspect that most of the ones that I have met that claim the church is full of hypocrites fall into this category. Somewhere along lifes path they have been hit along side the head with Christian dogma.

One of the problems is that most people don't get past the dogma stage. They don't really know what Christianity is. They have a bunch of rules that they live by. "The letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law."

I think that as much as you can the best way to handle these situations is to demonstrate real Christianity to them. Not beat them over the head with the bible. Not necessarily even mention the bible. Just leave the bible at home, and ACT like a Christian. Wait for them to ask the questions. Then be ready with answers.

[Carl]

Philip Yancy wrote a book "When God Doesn't Work" or something like that. That and my continuing argument with wife about health food supplements.

My wife's hip joint was failing. Doctors talked about hip replacement in a couple of years. My wife started taking all these supplements. Anything she could find on the internet, or that friends told her about, that promised a cure. Nothing worked. She now has cancer. She is getting treatment, but jumped upon supplements again too.

Between the hip replacement and the cancer she has gone through thousands of dollars. You get on the internet and these vultures tell anything to make a sell. I'm burned up and out over this. Because nothing has worked. Nothing has delivered as promised. It is all just a waste of time and money.

I know that there are a lot of exChristians because of foolish promises. This has been partly covered under the thread about Oprah and Rob Bel. The other side was probably covered under the thread about Ray Comfort.

The problem is that too many people spread the Gospel by telling that God is Love. God wants to make your life better. God wants you to prosper. God wants you to - - - - etc. When it doesn't work out these people reject God, because He doesn't care.

The fact is that we aren't necessarily called to be rich, healthy, have a life without problems, no persecution, etc. It just doesn't work that way. Yet with the TV programs, and movies mostly telling about the good life, sin and win, things working out, gives people false expectations about God. The All Powerfull God should be able to fix my problem. In truth He can, but it may not be His Plan for you.

The essence is that many people come to Christ for saving the life they have. When the pressure is applied to bring forth the Christ likeness in their lives they run. They have no depth. They are the seeds that fall on the path or amongst the thistles.

We better start giving the truth. In church and out of church. Because we are all supposed to be in fellowship with Jesus 24/7.

[WhisperWisdom]

Thanks for your thoughtful responses Carl! 2:

I agree that one of the biggest problems to date has been these prosperity gospels that's so popular to preach these days. Everyone wants to hear of all the things God will do for them, and not hear a word about sin, redemption, etc. And you're right...the minute the going gets tough, most folks quickly say God doesn't exist and move on to some other false idol.

In reflecting about this, it has occurred to me that folks were a tad bit more religious back in the days before television and radios. For instance, everyone cracked open a book and educated themselves. Simply reading was a luxury for many, and most did cherish it. Nowadays, most don't want to read, and they are easily influenced by television and the internet. When they don't have a solid understanding of the Bible, they'll fall for anything, as one folk put it "spiritual crack".

It's true we should all walk the walk instead of merely talking about it. What I think would also help would be if folks incorporated God more into their lives and homes. Example....have family dinner on a regular basis, and pray before eating. Not exactly common anymore. Start going to church, take the little ones too, and then eventually encourage the adults to come along in the family. Start watching more Christian themed tv shows and movies. Start incorporating the wisdom and proverbs of the Bible and applying it to your daily life and family interactions. Start getting involved in church activities in which you and your family can join in. By slowly incorporating these things into your life, you will expose others to God without having to hit them over the head with it.

As for those supplement pills, my mother was taking One A Day vitamin pills since they always recommend women over the age of 50 to start taking them. However, she started noticing that her toenails were turning yellow, and then falling off as a side effect of it, so she stopped taking them. I have noticed, especially when you're trying to lose weight, tremendous amount of support for folks to take supplements everyday. Personally, I fail to see where it really did much good. In the end, it comes down to eating right and in moderation, something I'm still working on. You're right in that God doesn't promise us an easy life, riches, and bunches of well behaved children.....But we are to hold steadfast in him, pray to him of all our worries and concerns, and live it one day at a time.