'You should be ashamed,' the father told his son, Andy, 'When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.'
'Really?' Andy responded. 'Well, when he was your age, he was president.'
Near Death Experience
A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'
'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee.
'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, 'Son, are you able to support a family?'
'Well, no, sir,' he replied. 'I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.'
Those Wanting To Be Married
Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.
Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
Unusual Text Message
Had a text from my mate the other day:
'I've just been arrested and charged with being the ugliest man in Britain - please come down to the police station and prove them wrong.'
Cream Loses Its Magic
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked
'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
'What's the matter?' asked little Michael, 'Giving up?'
Learning to Fish
Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.
The voice rang out once more, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'
The voice replied, 'No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.'