mikalikat

I am a VERY compulsive person. It affects every aspect of my life, and only through trial and error and much disappointment and pain, have I learned to walk away from the compulsive behavior, step back, and let Him guide my life. Why eat one or two cookies when 35 would be so much more tasty. Why stop at one or two slices of pizza when I can eat six? Why smoke one cigarette when I can finish off the whole pack (when I smoked)? Thank the LORD I never found much enjoyment drinking or I'd REALLY have been in trouble. Last year I developed a nasty little addiction to pain killers. It was only after we rain out of them and I didn't want to chase around different doctors each time I wanted a refill that I called our dear Shelle (bghtnpd4), an addictions counselor, who showed me I wasn't alone and I needed to get a grip on this behavior.

However, this didn't just apply to eating, prescription drugs, or smoking. It has also applied to my personal and business life.

October 2001 I started on the road to owning my own business. Trial and error marked the first few months of business, but once things got rolling, I saw success build and build, despite knowing NOTHING about the wedding industry. In fact, I was so ignorant about the wedding industry that when a wedding planner asked me to address some STD's I naively asked her, "Why would anyone want to address a sexually transmitted disease?" She meant SAVE THE DATES. The road of eduction was LOOOOOOOONG. :lol:

As the years progressed I became busier and busier, thinking my life was successful if I spent 16 hours a day hand-lettering wedding invitations envelopes. Never mind my daughter found I wasn't there for her, and my husband went to bed alone many, many nights. Heck, I remember waking up at 3:00 a.m. and thinking it was perfectly normal to be up at that hour working on an order.

In 2003 a wonderful invitation designer I worked with was asked to submit items to Brides Magazine for inclusion in a photo shoot. She included me in the project for hand-lettering and imagine my elation when my work was actually pictured in an issue in Spring 2004! What should have been a sweetly humble time for me was the beginning of EGO. It was intoxicating to have my work recognized nationally (or internationally, actually) in not one but two magazines since Brides and Brides Receptions carried the same photos. Then came a local wedding magazine carrying photos of my work. Well, I KNEW the next step was to spend an extraordinary amount of time and money putting together media packets and mailing them to bridal and regional magazines, literally BEGGING them to feature my work in their publications. God just kept letting the rope out longer and longer each time, because He KNEW where this was going to end up. Needless to say, not one of the magazines I sent media packets to ever contacted me. Oh, I was indignant! Why do other calligraphers get their work featured and I don't get mine!?!?

My life was out of control. My whole identity was tied up in what I did, and not who I WAS as a child of God, wife, and mother. I didn't have time for anyone or anything other than work. My husband wasn't sure what to do with me because I made a good living, but relative to the hours I put in, the money wasn't commensurate with the hours. As he said, I was working hard, not smart. The hours and intensity drove wedges between me and my daughter and husband, yet it was feeding that ego of mine, and He just sat back and kept holding on to that rope He attached to me.

Once Alison arrived, three years after I started this business, I had no choice but to slow down. I am ashamed to admit that I was actually irritated at my beautiful newborn baby girl for needing my attention when brides needed me more. This monster was quickly growing out of control and God was about to bring it to a halt. Over the next few years, I alienated clients, lied to cover missed deadlines, made excuses for my inability to follow through on promises, spent the money coming in as fast as I could, neglected having good dinners on the table for my hard working husband, I never had time for my oldest daughter, and Nick Jr. raised my toddler.

I basically sucked as a human being.

And He started taking this all away from me, bit by bit. It took a few years, but business dwindled down as my reputation in the industry fell further and further down. I was BEREFT! I had invested so much time in building this up that to see it crashing down was more than I could handle. I was in denial and making more and more excuses.

And I could probably count on one hand all the times from 2001 to 2008 that I cracked open my Bible. I had ignored the Bread and Living Water that I truly needed to sustain me, opting instead the fleeting moments of recognition I'd obtained to feed my ever-growing ego. He took me (and my husband as well) down to where we were literally on our KNEES and the only place we had to look was UP. He'd had enough. He wanted US. Not our accomplishments. He wanted that relationship with us that only comes from spending quiet time with Him, not Him waiting for me to finish 150 envelopes.

Last year, after we moved into our new home, I got settled and everything put away, then started working on building back up the business after we'd lost everything the year before, but being smart and remembering what it was like in years earlier. True, I have worked hard and honestly, I'm not seeing fabulous results. The economy is such that I'm way down on the food chain of weddings, so to speak--there's always a wonderful Aunt Sadie with beautiful handwriting that is offering to address the invitations as her wedding gift. Fine. I totally get that. Years before, that would have sent me into a tailspin. And that is where the work He's done on my heart has come through: I DON'T CARE that I'm not seeing brides knocking down my e-mail box door. So what? God loves me and I'm being obedient to Him, not to my own ego. I'm trusting Him. He says "No, that's not the way you are to go" and my response is, "Yes, Father, I trust you," not "But that's not what I want!" It's not about what I want. It's about His will for my life.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He loves me enough to tell me of His plans!!!! How cool is that? Do I regret all the years I spent chasing after my own gratification? Absolutely not! The lesson learned was necessary and He is loving enough to not scold me for the lost time, but show me how to love others so they don't make the same errors. Sometimes those lessons take years to learn. It's OK. He's driving the car that I have started moving. He cannot direct a car that's sitting still.

Fast forward to present day. One thing you must know about me is that I am PASSIONATE about business. I truly love building business and seeing it flourish, whether it's mine or someone else's. So when a friend approached us last fall about joining a business for health and nutrition products, I joined, but then the old junkie suddenly reared her ugly head. I am literally like an alcoholic that cannot smell a wine cork without wanting to jump into the bottle. I was surrounded by stories of incredible success and I thought, "If they can do it, why can't I?" Well, did any of them ask Him, "Father, is this your will for me?" Who knows? I know I didn't! Once again, I jumped in feet first and was going to be sinking my feet into the sands of Hawaii next fall as a top earner.

The reality? I likely will never ever set foot in Hawaii, we will likely only ever use the products to our bodies benefit (nothing wrong with really improving your health), and I will not likely be spending a lot of time trying to convince others to use the products. Why? Because I have CHOSEN to seek His will in this. Do I get a "yes" or "no"? Haven't really figured that out yet. HOWEVER, I do get the sense that He wants more of MY attention, instead of waiting on me. That's perfectly cool with me. That's where my focus should be.

The car is moving forward and he's at the steering wheel. I don't worry because Matthew 6:25 tells me that all needs will be met according to His will. Last year, moving into this house was more expensive than we anticipated. We were looking at September already having problems paying the rent. Out of the blue, honestly, it would have only been God, I was contacted by an event planner out of New York that I'd never heard of before needing two jobs done YESTERDAY!!!!! New Yorkers have a sense of urgency that is unmatched anyplace else on planet earth. I love them. How much did both jobs come to? Exactly the amount of our rent. Thank you, Lord! That's been the pattern over the last several months. When He knew we would need the extra, he brought in extra work. Incrementally, He's shown me just where He provides WHEN I STEP BACK AND TRUST HIM. When I don't make my work the complete and entire focus of my life. That is so FREEING! He's in control! That's why He's God and I'm not!

It's been a really long, difficult, painful, hard 8 1/2 years since I began my business in October 2001. At times the lessons learned have been akin to jumping feet first into a roiling, boiling put of silver. Scalding, painful. Necessary. He taught me that I am compulsive in all areas of my life and in order to avoid certain destruction, I need to be seeking His face first and foremost in all things before I head out off the plank that WILL come to an abrupt end and I'll drop off into a sea of problems. God is so, so very good and giving and loving. Let go of the reins of control, compulsion, whatever your "disease" is, and let Him show you. I promise, you will sit back, sigh, and ask yourself why you didn't do this long ago.