HAROLD CAMPING DISCOVERS THE BARNEY BIBLE CODE
By Ken Silva pastor-teacher on May 26, 2011 in Current Issues, Features, Semi-Satire
This just in from Internet News headquarters, where our motto is: If it’s news; it’s news to us.
Dateline Anywhere USA; maybe even Your Town: This just in…the world’s gone mad.
Ok, that’s not so new; but Scotty McCreery just won American Idol, and you may recall our piece Harold Camping Prepares 4 Judgment Day.
Therein, we told you about the much-ballyhooed prognostication of Harold “No, it really is coming this time, trust me” Camping that May 21st was Judgment Day.
Yeah, he reminds us of the boy who cried wolf; however everyone, except desert hermits and hermettes living in caves—and remember that won’t hide you during the Apocalypse—knows about:
Harold Camping, the gravely [sic] voiced, 89-year-old founder of Family Radio; the man who pinpointed May 21 as the exact date of the Rapture based on clues sprinkled throughout the Bible. (Online source)
Sure, we also knew that Camping completely kicked the ball out of bounds back in September of 1994, but now we know it was because his handy dandy Color Forms Bible place mat had a nasty possum gravy stain on it.
That’s why he told the secular media:
In 1992, two years earlier than that, I had already begun to see that there was a good likelihood that 2011 would be the end, but at that time when my research in the Bible was not nearly complete… (Online source)
Camping apparently was bequeathed a miracle mulligan because, in the world he lives in, supposedly God had later revealed to our sub-par prophet what those nonexistent codes in the Bible really mean.
Um, that is until May 21 came and went; and as near as we can tell from quietly cowering underneath the bed in our specially designed underground Armageddon apartment nothing happened.
And as hard as it may be to believe, Harold Camping had another execrable excuse; Ah…well, suddenly…Michael the Archangel, er…appeared to him and ate his homework. Yeah, that’s it; through the calculations all off:
The end is still near, radio preacher Harold Camping said in a broadcast Monday night, but the world will be around until Oct. 21.
Camping, the 89-year-old East Bay preacher who gained international fame with his prediction that the rapture would come at 6 p.m. Saturday, said that he misinterpreted the Bible and that May 21 was not really the end of the world but the spiritual beginning of the physical end. (Online source)
You see, now Camping says that even though we can’t see it—unless you have his funky dawg X-Ray spectrometer big sunglasses—we’re in the spiritual end of the pool. That’s why our feet can still touch bottom.
However, and this is of vital importance as he prepares to tell us his next whopper prediction as to when Judgment Day will occur, we can’t use the the diving board until we fast and pray over the weekend.
Why? We’re so glad you asked; because it seems that Harold Camping has now cracked The Barney Bible Code. Who, but a man with the imagination of Camping, would have caught all this from deputy Barney Fife.
Truthinator, who has been known to don his tin foil pyramid hat and closely monitor the lunatic fringe mentality of predictions, secret codes, and such, today filed this very special report for IN:
One day while watching an old lost episode of the Andy Griffith Show Harold Camping told me he slipped into a coma and one like the Son of Man, whom Camping believes may have been the Lord Himself, sat down next to him.
Camping says that he stretched forth his hand, and dipping it into the bowl said, “Mightst I haveth some of thy popcorn my buddeth? I have come that thou wouldst know what Barney really sayeth to Andy.”
Then the mysterious stranger, whom Camping sensed in his heart was indeed very, very, lord-like and not at all demonic, cleaned his ear with a Q-tip and Camping “knew” he heard the following:
Andy, I discovered a mathematical code in the Bible that reveals when Judgment Day will occur.
First you take the one bullet I have in my pocket and add that to the number of potholes down on Old Gopher Gulch Road.
Then you multiply that by the number of Apostles divided by the 30 pieces of silver and there you have it…
The end of the world is next Tuesday!
HAROLD CAMPING DISCOVERS THE BARNEY BIBLE CODE : Apprising Ministries